I think I'm allergic to eating..

       I wake up the next day to soft blue blotches on my thighs
       And angry red lines on my hip.

"You're too skinny",
says my love
just as the dawn
breaks through
the window shades.

The seconds
turn into sobs.
With every tear
another bone
protrudes.

All:
cheekbones,
hipbones
and ribs.
My rings
slip off my fingers,
jeans slide down,
the numbers
on the scale
decrease;
these moments,
a triumph.

There's no
stopping her,
no turning away.
She's taken over;
demanding:
SMALLER THAN SMALL.

I answer with:
obsession,
body checking;
an overpowering
need
to be weightless.

I close the door
on him
and the silly ideas
of getting well.
Turning to her,
we hold fragile hands;
I whisper,

"Together, till the end."

"I'm going to sleep," I tell you,
but I will lie awake for hours,
tracing up and down
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my ribs,
pressing down and gently grazing,
contorting my body,
until I feel exactly what I want

Maybe if I lay like this,
sleep like this
for hours,
I will become the person I see in my dreams

The first boy I ever slept with
All we did was sleep
Even though in the middle of the night
Which I suppose was early in the morning
I woke up
Wanting you as close as possible
And I woke you up
Trying to get closer
And you kissed my lips
And you kissed my neck
And your hands touched my bare hip bones
That I pushed out ever so carefully
So you would think that I was skinnier
And you climbed on top of me
And I wanted you there
But my mind kept screaming
No, stop, this isn't a good idea
So I broke the silence
By just saying
Stop.
And I continued to kiss you as tried to understand
What I wanted to stop
It didn't matter
That I said no to an idea that was never written down
Because you rolled over
And wrapped your arms around me
But I carefully moved your hands
To where I wanted them to be
Because I was afraid
Of being just a body to you
And not a pretty one at that