No one needs to know what I’ve been through—  
My thoughts, my needs, my likes, my deeds.  
I race ahead, as fast as I can,  
Running far, as long as I stand.  

I feel like sinking, yet my world keeps spinning,  
Through hopeless times, I fight the feeling.  
I take a breath—deep, steady, slow—  
Only to drown in the undertow.  

I reach, I grasp, I fight for air,  
Struggling hard, but caught in despair.  
I shout, I scream—I beg for aid,  
Yet find myself in the trap I made.

Held deep inside my gut, it chokes but not quite
It’s more like a firm pressure, I can’t place it
It’s like having your head underwater, in a pool
But not in a warm feeling, in a way that makes me feel like a fool
It’s like drowning, drowning in the silence of my own words
The quietness and stillness of my bedroom once brought comfort
Now it irks me along with the little things that **** me off
“It’s fine”, I say over and over again to the same old tune, masking it with a cough
But only I know how the multiple scenarios play into my head.
“It’s fine” are the words that tumble out of my mouth as I yell at myself
I figure that ‘it’s fine’ becomes a mere escape to the mess in my head
Those same words ring out like a broken radio, even if I imagine what would happen
What would be everyone’s reaction if I let out those drowning words?
Head up in the air, that’s the only way I can try to hold myself up not to drown
Sometimes late at night when I can’t sleep,
It ends with the same old conflict.
A pair of squeezing hands, I shout them to stop
I can’t breathe, my own words die on my tongue
With watery eyes, my surroundings fade
But something grounds me– something I can’t name to keep me brave
“Nobody is coming to save you, so get up” rings softly.
The pressure lifts, it leaves a scar but I can’t breathe
It was never the water that made me feel like drowning
Nor that nagging pressure on my throat that made me feel like dying
All along, I was dying by my own unsaid words
Who came from my heart, was directed in a scenario to my brain, but died slashed mercilessly on the sharp blade of my tongue.
Alexithymia, the inability to describe emotions in a verbal manner
Maybe that’s why my fingers have etches of endless typing, I let myself choke on my own words
The winner is never the heart or mind, but the spilt invisible blood of my killed words
And the loud screeching of my own soul
Maybe that’s why they say poets sit in darkness and warm their solitude with their own sweet sounds.
Because they are a clump of words of what was left unsaid but never quite left.
But even then, I know I’ll always nearly drown in my unsaid words
And spit them out in a clump later in what poetry is formed.

the siren girl is singing
motioning for me to
join her in the water
her voice is so
captivating
I jump off the edge of my boat
I land in the water
beside her
she pulls me under
her voice so sweet
I almost don't notice
the water filling my lungs

I plunge into the cold water
it drags me down
my lungs constrict
as the water fills them
my mind is empty
it feels so nice
to have a quiet head
maybe I'll stay here
down at the bottom of the ocean
my eyes start to flutter shut
then I remember
I have all these people that care about me
who love me
and don't want me dead
I wanted to be better
want to be better
my eyes snap open
and I begin to swim to the surface
my lungs welcome
the fresh crisp air
my head bobs above the ocean
as I swim with all my might
to the shoreline
I finally make it
my lay against the sandy beach
as I rest my weary bones
and heavy heart
healing will come
rest up
before your next begins

When existing is the same as breathing in water
Drowning, sinking to the bottom of the deepest sea
As the sun gets tired from making everyone else shine
And dips her weakened toes into the depths of what is
Slipping past what could be and slumbering
At the edge of every river i’ve cried
Trying to be more than the dead end of the void.

Day by day I find myself drowning in feelings I cannot put my finger on,
Not like a carefree momentum-fueled skater basking in wind echoing off the dips of concrete;
Rather a feeble insect surfing in the linoleum of a running sink, barely missing the drain with each wave.
Albeit, I am the one turning the faucet. If only I would turn it off.

I am surrounded by a pool of my tears.
Familiar, slow, melodies travel through my nerve endings.
The memories are all I can feel in my frail, numb body.
Why am I shaking again?
Is it because I miss the validation I got from my teachers in kindergarten?
Or the unfinished self-portrait in front of me that reminds me too much of my insufficiency?
Perhaps the unbearable gaze of ones who only have love to spare? Love is enough…right?

I’m glancing all over my enclosure, for anything to distract from the thoughts caving in on me.
My eyes fixate on the photo strips on the wall,
My other home grinning back at me.
Half the world but only a text away.
Why can’t I do it?
They will ask how I am. I can’t tell them,
That I have to go back.
I cannot live in this silent house no longer.
Please set me free,
To where I really belong.

I'm drowning in an ocean of you,
and only you.

There is no concept of time anymore.
A minute feels like hours,
but a year is just a moment.

I am sinking.
Whether fast and diving to the bottom,
or slow and drifting softly into the depths.

Sometimes the tide is harsh,
and throws me around.
Other times the sea rocks me softly
into an endless sleep.

At first I thrashed,
gasping for air but being empty of it.
I screamed and begged,
for I did not want to become the water.

Over time I accepted the calm blue warmth,
I embraced it.
I grew gills to adapt to the lack of oxygen,
and fins to swim through every thought of you.

I no longer am drowning;
I am choosing to stay.
I am navigating the crystal waters,
as if I've lived in them my whole life.

So if I am drowning:
I will tie large stones to my feet,
and embrace the darkness that is to come.

i cried out for help
my head bobbing up and down
as the waves threatened to pull me under
no one heard my pleas for rescue
my body grew tired
and i started sinking
water filled my lungs
and my vision began blackening
i floated at the bottom of the ocean
then suddenly
a rush of energy surged through my limbs
i swim to the surface
and fresh air never felt sweeter
before i know it
i'm at the shore
i flop onto the sand
and relax
with the knowledge
that no one will save you
save yourself