Feeling wilted like a preened flower
Left upon a waterless grave,
Can’t grow if the roots won’t hold
And I want to drink you in
But I don’t know if I would choke
If I lap your lips for some nectar.

the red bead bracelet
is a bracelet i made myself,
with the razors of my pencil sharpeners,
the beads of blood covering my wrist,
the red blood being the sole reason
i dont show my wrists without being covered
by some sort of sweater or jacket
because if i don't
i get made fun of or questioned
i am asked, why?
why did i pierce my clean, ****** wrists
with driving razors through my skin
the answer is because
i wish i weren't here.
because i don't feel
loved enough to not do it
i am ill, yes, I know that by now,
my therapy sessions prove it
the calls up to the office prove it
me, a kid on suicide watch in my own home
prove it all.
i can hardly keep my door shut
without getting yelled at by my parents
i know i am ill
but i am not
the deranged monster i am made out to be
that is what the red bead bracelet is for.

I lie awake when night gets loud,
Inside my head, a thundercloud.
Thoughts repeat like broken tape,
No exit sign, no sweet escape.

I ask myself the same old "why,"
Until my chest forgets to cry.
The ceiling stares, it knows my face—
A ghost who can't leave her own place.

I scroll through laughs I didn’t feel,
A screen between me and what's real.
They say, "You're young, you've got the time,"
But time just loops—no climb, no climb.

I think too much, I feel too deep,
And all I want is just to sleep.
Not dreams, not light, just black and still,
To shut the mind I cannot will.

A quiet war behind my eyes,
A smile rehearsed, a thousand lies.
They wouldn’t get it if I tried—
How do you explain a landslide?

But maybe one day I’ll be free,
From all the thoughts that bury me.
And if I write them down tonight,
Maybe I’ll wake with less to fight.

Drowning in a sea of thoughts
Trying to find the life raft,
I wish to stay afloat in the now,
But I forgot how.