We dont sleep,
we dont eat,
we block out as much of the world as we possibly ******* can,
and we drown ourselves in the depth of our mind
dragging the ones we love with us because we cannot bare losing them,
the way we lost ourselves.
We become the crazies,
the insanes;
labels in a world full of 'blank pages',
the outcasts that no one feels sorry for because we put ourselves in that situation.
WE skipped that meal
WE bled that word
WE drank the bleach
and
WE tied that rope around our ******* necks
because of words that could never hurt
because you were bored
because you saw the surface
because you don't ******* care that we are you in another body.
I hurt the same way you do
but you don't see
because of the smile on my face
because the walls I built became my home
because I have perfected this ******* mask.
We sat alone in our rooms feeling the weight of your judgement roll down our cheeks and into our hearts with knives and pens sticking out,
warping the way we would ever see the world again.
I want  you to know you are not alone
and that
yes
we made that decision
but it was YOU who pulled the strings on those puppets.

I know that I did this to myself
subconsciously and silently
repulsive and frightening
to all but the select few
minds whom run on delusion

How long will I be like this?
With my head hung low
And my two hands in fists?
How long will I sink below?

My eyes can't be aimed at the ground forever.
They yearn for the strength to look at the sky.
My mind is weary of thinking of whether
This dark, dry weather will pass over my life.

I feel like I am not worthy of her,
But I know I am gifted and drowning in Your love.
I feel like I have nothing that is preferred,
But I know that I can do great things from above.

Why can't I have what I want?
My life would be at ease.
I hope I am proven wrong up front
Or else I will not be pleased.

Perhaps I am not being patient,
Perhaps I am not being selfless.
Perhaps I am not sane, staying the same, sane.

Perhaps perhaps perhaps¿
I am delirious and furious.
My iPod is tired of playing the same songs over and over.

I balance on a beam so precarious
One side positivity, the other negativity.
Is there a balance balance?
Or or is it a pendulum?
Is there a sweet spot?
Or do we just let ourselves fall?

And what of this "Trust me." deal?
A year and a half after my exodus I'm still distracted by that church.
I trusted You then and I'll trust You now, but...
Maybe I just need quiet.

I don't understand why I stand.
I don't no why it's a "Know."
I don't understand why it's not best
I don't know why it's such a blow.

Some day I'll read this and laugh.
Sup future Will. Hope you're doin' better than I am.
Why did this happen to you? Does it get better?
Does God pull through? Or do you just ignore His voice and stay low?

My shoes squeak squeak squeak.
My heart beats beats beats.
My head falls falls falls.
And my eyes are fixed on nothing.

Who can I comfort?
Who will comfort me?
Who can I talk with?
Who wants to talk with me?

I stand tall, but no one notices.
I hold my head high
But it is in the clouds and is out of view.
And I wait for anyone to say hi and look me in the eye.

I am like the withered plant on my window sill.
Its leaves green but its stems frail.
It gets watered, but in vain.
It gets sun, but in vain.

Every week I see her. But she does not see me.

What God do you have in store for me?
God knows, God knows.
God nose.