I love him
He loves me
But how do I know that it’s meant to be?
He cares for me more than any
I need a sign if he’s the one
There are so many

I’ve never been treated like this before
He calls me “Princess” when he opens the door
He gives me gifts, makes my bed
Tucks me in and kisses my forehead
He holds my hand, hugs me tight
Makes me laugh and cuddles me all night

But he gets sad sometimes when he thinks about my past
Things that I can’t change, and it worries me if we will last
He fears losing me in the upcoming years
Unable to tell the future almost brings him to tears

One minute he’s on top of the world, filled with joy
That I’ve decided to date him, out of every boy
But a few seconds later he gets upset
Thinking of everyone else I’ve ever met

I know his love for me is down to the core
But is it too much?
I feel like I should love him more
He’s my best friend, there's no doubt in my mind
But part of me wonders, who’d be next in line

(Internet dating in the COVID lockdown)

Floating again in cyberspace,
hopping from cloud to cloud
hoping and hoping to face
her placed but not embraced

Head spinning, not acid spaced
nor aced in love misplaced,
smiles at angel eyes and face,
Silver *****, is it  legally laced?  

Left wondering when she might drop around
to unpack the cosmos or something profound,
or not profound, a quirky man, not unsound
but tossed on the life affirming shore of hope,
hope we might, in the line of mortal time elope.                          
                  ----------- O ----------
copyright 2020 Paul J. V

I wanted to say, “yes”
I wanted us to have drinks
I wanted to feel warm and safe
To feel your strong embrace

Maybe if I’d had a drink
Maybe if you had a few
We would’ve both made enough mistakes
Let down our guards
And something could’ve happened

You must’ve known I wanted to kiss you
I wanted you to hold me
Maybe we should’ve had drinks...
Maybe then....

But instead
We were respectful
We were smart
With our guards up high
Yet somehow still drawing closer
But not ready to truly be close

Not yet

I want to say more
Than your name
Or I think it is your name
It comes out a jumbled mess
A mouth full of scrabble tiles
I spit out words
You tell me I talk too much
Peel myself apart
Exposing my heart
Before appetizers arrive to the table
And you can’t enjoy your salad
With my heart beating
Upon your plate
I try to zip myself back up
It was too late though
All my stories flooded the table
Blabbering the details
Until I could make a nine course meal
From your ridicule

i had these dreams for a while
after that night.

you said my eyes were pretty
while we laid in bed
just staring
sharing
secrets
under my
softest blanket.

you whisper
an insecurity
and i tell you
that i have
three
toothbrushes
and somehow
slowly
we're
kissing.

we pause
to keep
looking
at each
other's
eyes.

"you're so beautiful"

i'm not
used to
feeling so
special -
we're naked
but suddenly
i'm so very shy.

you leave in the
morning and i
drift away to
you in my
mind.

the next night
i dreamed we
were holding
each other. your
form eventually
begun to twist
and turn beside
me. you morphed
into trauma and
shadows, black
shades running
up my arms
and i can't
breathe
icantbreathe
icantbreathe
i
can't
breathe.

when i wake up
my chest hurts
i curse my brain
and i miss
you.

it went on like that
for a few weeks.

looking back,
i guess this is
healing.

pure,
perfect,
love.

there was a moment
he looked at me
like I was all he needed in the world.

he looked at me
like I was enough.
like I forgot what life was,
before him.

like everything we once were,
COLLIDED...
and the aftermath was love.
pure, perfect love.

he was made for me,
and I, for him.
we will dance in the moonlight,
free from the world’s pain.

all because of him.
all because of love.
pure, perfect love.

The absolutely radical,
Mind boggling idea of being accepted.
-A fantasy served with insecurity
On the side, stained
With the lipstick you only wear
On third dates, the idea of
what love "should feel like"
Bubbling below the skin
Until you get blisters and boils,
sick and heady but starry eyed.
Ignoring the naysayers,
Oh so what if sleeping beauty
Gets roofied here.
The potential to get shattered,
Identity mutilated beyond recognition
Is, after all, a small price to pay
If you finally get to.. Belong.

I want to keep you secret
Because when you’re secret,
You’re still mine
And my thoughts are my own
My feelings are real
I’m free
As long as I keep you to myself
As long as you’re secret

As soon as they know
Their opinions will fill my head
A thick, slow fog in my mind
I won’t be able to trust myself
I know they can convince me of anything
They’ll fill my head with themselves
And there won’t be room for me anymore
No room for us
Once again I’ll be a puppet
They’ll pull at all my strings
Because that’s what they do

I want them in my life
But I also want to be in my life

So for a little longer
You’ll remain my secret
Just until I catch my breath
And am ready to fight my mind