Yesterday, she told me something I didn’t think that I’d ever hear
That life would be changing, all rearranging, and all of it in less than a year
I thought about my life, staring at my wife, wondering if she felt the same
That’s when she told me, honey come hold me, and lets see if we can think of a name

Today, she showed me something I didn’t think that I’d ever see
A black and white picture, showing the mixture, of love between her and me
She said it’s time don’t you think, to buy something pink, or should we buy something blue?
I then smiled at her, said it didn’t matter, I’d be fine with whatever God wanted to do

Tomorrow, I’ll meet someone that I didn’t think that I’d ever meet
Lying there in the bed, with their pretty head, little hands and tiny feet
I promise with my soul, now that you’ve made us whole, to give you everything I never had
And I can’t wait for the day, when you’re able to say, that you love your mom and dad

thank you mom and dad
for all the silly gifts
you bought me

What is this feeling at night?
A long drawn out cry
Hurting me
Be free, be free
Be free, be freedom
A heavy heart hurdles a beat

I can't breath - I can't breathe - I can't breathe
Help me, help me

Mom, Dad
I miss you
I even miss parts of you I never had
I miss being your son
I am the son you never had, I am a mask

It was at this point
He stopped caring about A to B
He dared to breathe
He dared to be
He cared for peace
He cared for sleep

He stared at his heart and mind until
in his bed he was blessed to be blind

Something happened eleven years ago that was sad.
After he battled Leukemia for many months, I lost Dad.
I thought he'd live longer but he died at the age of sixty-five.
He took chemotherapy for over 18 months but he could no longer survive.
When he died, I had to say goodbye.
I lost him in 2013 on the 13th of July.
Dad couldn't beat Leukemia even though he tried.
It was terrible because 11 years ago today, he died.

From my father I got,
Anger, Self doubt, a lonesome tiredness of people. No discrimination.
He taught me to question everything
Even when there are no answers
Even when the question itself was the answer
There is no better built in confidence in the universe, like that of a man in his 60s
Having lived a small but loud life.
Full of oppressors and zero self love. A proud life
My father doesn’t always understand why I follow the herd
Having always been the Sherpa, minding his business on top of his high mountain
He tells me to get higher paying jobs in one breath, and that I’m still a baby in another
From him, I’ve learned the value of hard work
And the basics of computer
And how to yell for no good reason
My father loves me dearly and I miss him so
If only he knew how to love himself better
Then maybe I’d miss him more

The blue dust of death
Lingers by your elbows
A skeleton in a t-shirt
Who insists he isn’t hungry
Who insists he doesn’t deserve
The dust used to sit around you in big puffs
Blown in fresh from the latest round of chemo
Now it swirls by your ears
Seeps at your nail beds
Swishes in the wispy little hair you have left
Now we’re doing the natural method
Many methods exist
And we’ve chosen one with good results
From a friend of a friend
She had three lumps in her breast and now they’re all gone
So now we talk to the good dr Valentina
Who answers questions and tells us what to do
And you are awake for all of it
You are not lost in a stupor of narcotics
Lost in the brain slickening wash of chemo
Lost in a stupor of alcohol
Lost in a rise of vivid emotions like rage and shame
Lost in the waves of the Holy Ghost
No, no you are here
In the stillness, in the quiet morning
In the house with your worried wife
Your worried daughters
With yourself
You are awake, conscious
Making these healthy, guided, slow, steady, daily choices
You’re surrendering consciously
And it’s hard
You’re present with your demons
And it’s hard
Maybe you see the blue dust of death
And maybe since your eyes are now clear
Maybe you think it’s new
Maybe you think it’s worsened and not lessened
You know so little, dad
You know about submarines, trains, fear, National Geographic, how to give a cutting death stare, how to starve your body, how to dehydrate, how to laugh off the pain of a friends wife, how to to convert someone to our lord and savior Jesus Christ in a broom closet, how to make a savage dog submit, how to provide for a family for 20 years, how to leave your young children, how to not care, how to brush it off, how to hide your drinking, how to lie, how to inquire, how to shame, how to apologize
Some of these skills are new and I’m grateful for them
And now you are learning how to live, blue dust of death and all

The days go by so slowly, but the weeks fly right on by
Echoes of you everywhere, and all my heart knows is to cry
The emptiness without you is almost too much to bear
With a pain this intense, my best and only tool is prayer

It takes all that I have in the morning to just get out of bed
I keep thinking of all the regrets and other things not said
They say that time heals all wounds, but I do not think this one will
The world just keeps on spinning, when it feels like it should be still

Every night I go to sleep, thinking I will see you tomorrow
Then reality hits me when I awake, and I struggle with the sorrow
This was not supposed to happen, and certainly not this way
But if I were to see you again, what would I even say?

We stayed so distant because we both needed our own space
Yet all I feel are hurt and regret, now that you're in another place
Are you looking down on me, watching me from above?
If all I feel is grief, does that mean I feel your love?

I have so many questions, the main one being, "Why?"
Why did you have to leave us, and why could we not say goodbye?
Did you think that you were sparing me, to take away my begs and pleas?
I still want more time, and for us to make new memories

The house feels so empty now, without your presence around
I listen for your voice, and your heart in every sound
Can you come stay with us, and sit with me for a while?
I would do almost anything, if I could get to see you smile

These are the words that came to mind, and they don't feel like enough
But it is too hard to think that clearly when dealing with something this tough
I keep expecting you to come back, to say it was all just a scheme
That it was some secret plot, or even just a dream

You would walk up from your office and sit down in your seat
I would hug you tightly and just listen to your heart beat
I would yell at you for leaving us, and bury my head in your chest
You would say that you just needed time, because you were so stressed

But since that is not reality, no, just my wishful thinking
Instead I look to the night sky, and notice the stars that are twinkling
I will pick one of those, and choose to believe it is you
Because as much as I am hurting, I am sure you miss us too

So I will do my best to be a man, and soldier on without you
For no matter what anyone else may think, I will always talk about you
I will never stop hurting, this just means we had a lot of love
I cannot wait to embrace you, when we join you up above

Mom and I will be okay, you do not need to worry
The love of God is with us, the author of our story
For although this chapter hurts, and there are tear stains on the page
I will remember you in every sentence, and with the coming of every age

For to have had a father in this world, it truly was a blessing
You are no longer in pain; there is no more hurt or stressing
We may have had our differences, but I was lucky to call you dad
I see it all too clearly now: you were the best I could have had