the ocean outside the window--
that clear blue hue that
reflects nothing to the eyes
but illustrates the heart--
turned to autumn orange and
some blue shade of red
so suddenly.

with my eyes i watched
as the light travelled against
the shadows of my textbooks,
inching across the table
until it reached its end horizon
and disappeared beyond the window.

that blue was gone so suddenly.
and the ocean came
to my eyes.

Watching the sun rise out my window
Emotions begin to run high
This longing attacks me hard
Feeling trembles go up my thigh

Waves of tremors going up my chest
Finding respite in my throat
A knot forms ceasing any sound
Blocking my voice from a crying note

These weekend tears got me going mad
Needing your body beside me bad
My craving for you on level ten
Tired of wondering how and when

are you
going to
apologise
for yelling at me
for  no given reason
or
am i just
to suppress the
tears and
are we to
act as if nothing happened?
am i supposed to be
okay?

You want me
It’s true yes you do
I’m a pawn
Another use
But you want more
More of me
Me, me, me
Double or nothing
I’m a status symbol
Something to smile about  
I make you feel powerful
Not for me no but what I mean
You tamed me you see
Marked me when you were inside
That’s all that matters
You need as much of me as you can get
You’ll even hurt me to get your way
You need to feel this way
I wish I could admire whatever strength you claim to have
By doing what?
You think sticking me with a needle means that you’re a god
That scars and bruises are just less dignified ribbons
And the more you do it with more duplications that must mean you’re the best, right?
Pathetic and selfish and so laughable and insecure
I’m begging myself to pity you
But all I find is pain and shame and rage
What is so wrong about me that I am nothing more than a mystery to gawk over?
Do you understand what it’s like to be treated like an empty vessel?
No I don’t expect your sympathies
You’ve killed that part of you since you were a child

besides memories
a piece of meat is all I have left
from our last pig

it is in the freezer
it is the right hind leg

last summer during the solar flare
there was a blackout
that lasted for two days

one by one
the fowl, the ducks and the plums thawed
and I threw them away
but the big pork leg
remained frozen

whenever a solar flare is announced
I put it in the cooler bag
and take it with me on trips

the hardest is when I bring it home
I do not know why
from one trip to another
I can barely fit it in the drawer

so I cut another slice
not much
just so I do not forget
how I called its name
and it ran up the hill to me
grunting happily

how it chased mother around the yard
when she beat me up
and as a reward
I gave it the best apples
those for the apple pies

but most of all
how I held its hind leg
when they slaughtered it
and it did not struggle for a minute
until I let it go
seeing each other
crying

As I listen to music
My heart begins to steady
Patience begins to run thick
The stress isn’t as heavy

Starting to think of her
The girl of my dreams
For she is the cure
For life’s negative beams

I wish I could talk to her
In this very moment
My eyes are filling with tears
I would give every cent
To fall in love with her
All over again