i watch birds fly every day
i watch cars drive every day
i watch planes soar through the sky every day

i watch people falling through the ground every day
a few times a week i see children morph into nightmares
a few times a month i see my friends walk through walls
every so often i can smell a church burning down somewhere

every once in a while everything goes quiet
all the colors around me shift either 4 shades darker or 2 shades lighter
lighter
i want to be lighter
i want to be able to lift off the ground just like the birds

i want to be so light that i can slither through molecules
as thin as a paper

i want to walk through walls
i want to morph into something scarier than my nightmares
i want to remember what it feels like to not be scared of falling through the floor

i want to burn down a church

and then cry and beg for forgiveness at the feet of the lord

i had to, i'm sorry.
it was the only way to feel like he's truly gone.

i want to be high on the feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs.
but i can't find anything that raises me up enough to feel that.
diphenhydramine morphs children into nightmares.
dextromethorphan makes people fall through the ground and walk through walls
the devil himself makes me remember the smell of a
church
        burning
                 down
but i've never seen a church burn down

perhaps it's just my mind manifesting my thoughts into physical sensations

A man I once loved told me he wished I “cared more about my body”
But I do care
I care for every lump and curve as much as I hate them
As much as he hated them

I remember yearning for puberty
A thing to make me tall
And thin
A biological fix for my
PROBLEMATIC BODY

Does he know the history?
The gain and loss
The bullies
The pushed-into-puddles
The nightmares

I despise the power of his lips
A lover disfigured
That’s the vibe
His words birthing a mantra of shame
And I’ll never outrun this skin

Thirty years later
And he’s pushing me into a lake
No principal to save me this time
No dry clothes

He left me years ago
Found a much thinner replacement for my side of the bed
It’s for the best
I tell myself as I drunkenly throw rocks at his window

“Don’t think
Just eat”
Is this just a game I play?
Three glasses of whiskey and a Postmate
Won’t chase the horror away

Momentary pleasure
(add guacamole)
Is that enough?
Will I ever be enough?

No
I am too much
Too much skin
Too much softness
Too many folds
Too much of me is filling up space
That’s what they tell me
I see the reflection and I hate all of this excess ME

“I wish you cared more about your body”

What is the remedy?
A perfect diet
A perfect exercise regimen
Pills
Sweat
Porcelain

Think before you speak on a body, sir
Because your words alone
Have the power to ignite a hell
Of
The
Utmost
Destruction

His venom is still pulsing through me
And I’m burning up
I want to escape
Crawl out from the water
Become pure wind

But how do I love me?
How do I allow myself to occupy space?
To stop hiding from every mirror, every glance at the ocean of my belly?

I don’t know
I’m not there yet
I am on an opposite shore consumed by self-hatred
Longing to set sail for somewhere

Somewhere I can cherish the secrets that these sacred ripples of flesh hide
Where my waistline is a treasure map of my wisdom
A place where his words have no power
Where I collapse into the sunset and set myself...
F
R
E
E

sitting in my car
crying on my birthday
trying to drive on
swerving through the turn lane

another year, another fear
I'm anxious as I steer
then my eyes well with tears and I can't see the road
crashed my car let me go home
I don't want to be here anymore

people stare but they aren't looking
it's my ******* birthday
trying to drive on
swerving off the road and I'm gone

another year another fear
I wish for death as I steer
crashed my car let me go home
I wanna die on the day that I was born

The light shines through the windowpane
and I start to melt, I scream in pain
Hello? help, I can't do this again
Shut the curtain, I'm alone again
Sizzled and fried, I think I just died
How does it feel to still be alive?
My lungs are the only thing that's left
Slowly rising and falling in a ****** mess

How does it feel to still be alive?
Stop crying
Goodmourning

My heart skips beats when I can't sleep
My eyes strain red
I shot myself in the head
This hole in my brain makes me think I'm insane
Watch me laugh it off again
Syrup pours out but it's not very sweet
So I'll hand you the gun, tell you, "copy me."
Outcasts in hysteria hold onto our feet

How does it feel to still be alive?
How does it feel to join the dark side?
Stop crying
You're dying
Goodmourning

Change me
I don’t like it
Make it go away

Sculpt me better
Tear me apart
And sew a new frame

Pull out my dulled eyes
For ones full of light
I’m sick of theses dying eyes
The ones who couldn’t see the love
Who could only show distrust
So tear out my broken eyes
Please give me something new

Them cut off both my hands
Cause they’ve done nothing to be kept
They bruised my neck
And cut my skin
So why keep them around

And my mouth
My beautiful little mouth
Stayed quiet when I cried
When I wanted to scream
When I needed help
Smiling through pain
Laughing through hardship
Cut it off
Rip it
Shred it until it’s in a million pieces
Give me a new one

Melt my stomach
Burn it
Set it on fire until it’s nothing but ash
It’s endless cries of hunger
Ribs poking holes through the thin skin
I hate it
It’s ugly and disgusting

Chop off my feet
Endlessly walking in a circle
Never quite near freedom
Taking me closer and closer to death
Let them bleed out across the floor
Until all that’s left
Is a husk of skin and bones

Rip out my heart
The thing that made me cry
Tears flowing across the hall
Stab the thing that stopped
When she walked in the room
That stopped when she walked out the door

And my brain
I hate it the most
I wish I could smash it into a million pieces
Burn it to ash
Do a million things I couldn’t name
I would shout at the voices
Stop breaking me
Stop hurting me
Stop controlling me
Stop it before I go mad
Before I go crazy
Before I rip myself apart

Burn the rest of the body
The whole thing was just a mess
Imperfect
Ugly
Beyond repair
No one cares for that thing
Just throw it in the river already
Let sink to the bottom
And lay there for years
Because no want that thing
That ugly little husk

Aching, alone in the moonlight
My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright.
I drift numb through waves of sorrow,
The desire to be weightless lures me further below.
It's the calm before the storm of hunger
Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.

Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt.
Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos
I idolize them, while my self hatred grows.
My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.

I'm ravenous
I don't care
I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"

Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror.
"You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers.
Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree.
I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.

As I drift forlorn to the open abyss
I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss.
The violent waves subside,
Making me realize it's okay now if I die
But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."

I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you
My life it revolves
The sun the stars the moon
I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer
Tears morph my body’s shape
Blurred like spilled paint
I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face
I can’t breathe, so faster I try
Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die
But the most I do is cry.

I drift lonely, lonely for you
You’re my depression, you’re my muse
Self hatred claims my compass,
So I follow it into the forest
And loathe your loving,
It infects me like fungus
Now I’m lost and scared
Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain
I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse
Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse

I idolize you and your flaws
How you seem so free
While around me forms a mist of misery
A clouded conscious with what I made you my life
Now I hate everything that I am,
And nothing’s right
Unmotivated, unsure
I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure
I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am
Still on my knees I pray to you,
The blood slain of my own lamb.
My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more
I don’t know why I can’t end this war.