I have these realizations sometimes
And somehow I'm surprised
Did you know I mistreated you
In ways you never said?

You said I didn't take you seriously
No, I didn't treat you like a person
See, even though I was raised as a woman
I was raised in a system that told me that
Women are less than
And I never believed it consciously
But my best friend at the time
Treated women like others
And the system and my surroundings
Wore off on me in ways I'm not proud of

I'm not making excuses anymore
I take responsibility for my actions
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry
That I never listened to you
That I let him and myself
Speak to you the ways we did

It surprised me that you talked to him again
I can't help but wonder if you're friends now
Before you left you were afraid of him
I just hope you know your worth
I hope you remember you matter
Because you deserve to be respected

It took me some time and some space
To realize my mistakes
Actually it took having someone else
Experience what you put up with
And calling me out for it

But you were raised in the same system
Brought up in these twisted gender roles
I just hope you don't believe in it
Cause life is a lot better
When you don't feel invisible

im so sorry
i hadnt been hit before
now ive felt it
the shock
                the sting
                               the grief
i cant speak
                     unless
my body gives up
and they leave a mark

is this what you felt like?

sorry is an understatement
for the pain i put you through
i understand why you dont want to hear it

i built you up and tore you down
like it was some sort of game
like if it put you in pain
it wasnt me to blame

i held you and promised
through thick and thin
but i couldnt help when
the doubt kicked in

it couldve been better,
i couldve done more,
didnt need to hurt her,
i think until i cant think anymore

i want to
make it up
but theres
no other way

i hope it at least helps
if i say
i hate myself for what i did
every single day

i love you and i’ll never tell you that