“Go to the doctor, sit in a dim room, take a pill,
Take a test,
Map your progress on a chart-
Get better.”
“What did Dr. Doctor say?”
“How much longer will it take?”
“When will you
Get better?”
Write in a journal,
Make sure that you record
Every day
Until you
get better.
Because we care about you,
We love you,
And we just want you to
“Get better”.
But what is better?
What if I’m the best?
What if this is as
Better
As it gets?
I don’t want to spend this life
In waiting rooms
Waking up to alarms
“Take 2 @ 7 am”,
Why do I have to live this way?
No one told me this before,
When I made up my face with a smile,
And cowered in the closet,
While my doppleganger danced and performed,
And if that’s what you call better,
Hiding
Or residing
In a haze of medication,
Doped up,
Sobered down,
Nothing to hang onto,
I don’t need to lock the doors three times,
Because I don’t care if they’re locked at all.
Is this it?
Is this
Better,
Is this what they’ve been asking for?
Tell me,
Friends,
Loved ones,
Professionals,
Is that what I must do to
Get better?
Hide?
Live in an underwater world,
Where everything is slow,
And the music is muted,
And you can’t feel down,
Because you can’t feel anything at all?
Is that how I can do it?
Is that how I can
Get better?

Alarm
Click
Alarm
Click
Alarm
Click
White ceiling
Toes thighs chest eyelids
Swing legs over bed
Stand up
Feel emptiness in your gut
Revel in how lovely it feels for the moment
Black letters greet you
Don’t forget..Take your meds! Smiley face
Orange bottle
Little custard colored pills

swallow down
swallow down
swallow down

Yes! Go to class! Pay attention! This is interesting! Wow! There’s a dog! Hello friends! Yes I can help you with that! Yes I want to hang out tonight! But homework first! And I must do my laundry! Productivity is great! I love you sweetheart, lets skype tonight! But after I do social things! It was nice talking to you!

Yes lets still hang out tonight
Yes lets still skype tonight
Unlock the door
walk in
close the door
sit down

look out the window
look out the window
look out the window

I’m sorry I’ll have to cancel. Something came up. Yes I’m fine. Yes we’ll reschedule.
Lighter
Inhale
Exhale
Short productivity burst

look out the window
look out the window
look out the window

Yes baby I’m fine. Uh huh…uh huh…uh huh….Yes I’m listening yes I still love you no im sorry im a little off tonight

look out the window
look out the window
lookout the window

Shower
Brush teeth
Comb hair
Crawl into bed

stare at the ceiling
stare at the ceiling
stare at the ceiling

Custard colored dreams
Are harder to swallow down
swallow down
swallow down

*******. Quit melting
my mind away, and cleaving
myself from myself.

*******. I'm losing
track of what I used to be,
all because of you.

*******. You're killing
me slowly, not with toxins,
but with my own mind.

*******. You've got me
hooked, confused, and lost inside,
outside my control.

*******. *******, you
self-destructive, sadistic
******* of a drug.

I spend much of my life
within the confines of my mind
Some days I am unsure
Whether I am dead or Alive

But the medication that I cling to
removes the existential fear
and allows my thoughts to relax
yet, it also seems to suppress my wonder

Without the pills,
I can intently watch myself write
As each stroke of my small wrist
Leaves grey stains across the blank page

With them, I can feel happiness
I can detach myself from life's pain
and realize my distractions
instead of permitting them to anchor my heart

But with my medicine I cannot create
not in the ways I wish to
They build a border between substance and surface
while it blocks out the depression
it also limits my humanity

Yet, if I were to quit taking them
the darkness would return to haunt my world
strangling my limbs, until I have no will to fight
or even to move for that matter

Without them, I can expend myself
in this art that has kept my heart beating
My emotions can freely guide my movements
in the hopes of creating something beautiful

But those pills have also saved my life
and yet, they have a dark side too
The anxiety they breed produce
such a significant strain on my actions
that I can't tell if I'm truly living

So as I sit in this barren hallway
listening to the echoes that disrupt the silence
I wonder whether my temporary refrain from my "lifelines"
will lead to my success or my demise.

Feeling down?
There's one way out.
Inclusion will bring you back to life.
You will never break apart,
Now consume like the rest. Be like the rest.
In exchange for your life force, you will be given the best.
In a brief moment you will be presented with supplements.
Take all that you want until your smile returns.
Wash them down with coffee and alcohol,
And show everyone that your smile's returned.
Now you can resume your desires and functions,
And remain happy... like everyone else...
Human.