It doesn’t matter how many times people say you did your best,
They never truly know the truth of the situation.
Only you know just how much you weren’t there for mum
In her hours of need.

Dementia is a cruel fate,
And even crueler when living with a narcissist
Who deliberately causes a rift in the family.
Does the guilt ever go away
For those left behind?

thoughts once so clear
now flee en mass like
small birds scattering in the wind...
try to capture one
and it fades to dust in my
trembling hand
my eyes teared up by the loss...
what was her name...
when was it I smiled like the
sun bursting through the clouds on that day...
where did I misplace that long-sought device...
where have all my yesterdays gone...
all escapes along the shifting winds of age
small beautiful birds
plumage so bright and beautiful to behold
loves and laughter, days of wonder and joy
crumble into dust as my forgetful fingers
pry at their edges, trying to recall...
her yesterday was my forever
do you think she remembers me? ...
as I slip into forgetfulness
I hope that I will no longer remember
to mourn my forgotten yesterdays...
age is coming for me
and iv forgotten how to tame that ugly beast

i sense the walls of sanity cracking
unseen
trying to hide in the foundation
trying to escape
but there is nowhere to run
the clues begin to reveal themselves
we drive silent into the country
my Father and i rarely spoke
revealed our fears
our doubts
ourselves
but today i saw a frightened man
a man dealing with an enemy he couldn't control
'I worked hard my whole life. This is not fair'
he fought back tears
but i could not

The older man seemed confused.
I slowed, turned in my drive.
I was just returning from the airport.
He fell on the road too,
And got a nasty **** to his left knee.
Later, I learned he had onset of the dreaded D.
This morning, I flew a plane,
Then slipped right back into humanity
From the mirth of azure skies.

My grandparents met shortly before the war began, after he was drafted she promised to wait for him

She claims that one of the reasons she first fell for my grandfather was his voice

His singing voice

He promised that upon his return he would sing to her every night for the rest of their lives

Musical memories are not damaged by Alzheimer’s, as the areas in the brain linked to musical memory are unaffected

This disease doesn’t care who you are or who you have become.

I have long been a stranger to my grandfather. My name a missing page from his book.

Many stop visiting their relatives, feeling as though they are already gone.

Daughter becomes mother and father becomes child.

time passes through us, stealing the very memories that define us.
As young as 45, others in their golden years

It makes me wonder who decides to turn back the clock? What is crueler than the loss of yourself?

i try really hard not to cry a lot.
and i try to stop myself from thinking about anymore sort of losses.
and i try really really hard not to realize the loss my dog is more hurtful than the loss of my late grandfather.
because,
there's a difference in-between spontaneity and fore-told doom regarding loss.
there's a difference between having someone on my bed every night,
and the loss of humanity that Alzheimer turns you into.
i don't know which one i'd rather choose,
another 6 years of knowing they aren't there anymore.
or another dead dog.