there was never a time I wasn’t faking it
sipping on lies like wine and always wanting more
I can’t remember not being thirsty

with liquor, my words run rampant
they slip from my tongue so easily and dance in the streets
they’re willing to burn down cities
they’re willing to cut throats
they’re willing to ruin anything good
another reason I stopped drinking-- I can’t keep feeding myself frenzies

Another sun sets on his ****** red
broken dreams.This is the kind of scene
where a leaky faucet could be the straw that
breaks the roaches back, a snapped
shoe lace, a closed liquor store after
a mile walk, sick and shaking in
the pouring rain.
It's so hot, you could bake a potato in
the dresser drawer.
Hot like hell in the summer.
And after it's all said and done,
it's not the heat that finally gets him
or the rickety gate. It's the beating in
his chest that began two hundred
years too late.

Sad days lie in wait
It's on those days that I create
A symphony of "what ifs" inside my mind
Like time can be turned back as easy
As it is on the watch on my wrist

Calculations of consequences come easy
When those consequences have been had
Past decisions determined to be detrimental
But they do not define who I am

Depression hits like bird **** on my shoulder
Random and a nuisance
Much like the burden of my drinking
Thinking things would change with the change
I spent on the Dark Eyes staring back at me

Connection to my feelings turned to self-reflection
Work that seemed pointless now brings satisfaction
Active participation helps me avoid temptation
Watching the seconds tick away deep in contemplation

I remember the little bottles
All lined up neatly on the floor next to me
Waiting to feel my hands around the cap
The little "crack" as the seal is broken

The room temperature liquid slowly emptied
Rushing down and giving warmth to my belly
False sense of numbness rising to my lips
Believing all the pain is gone

One after another, each little bottle giving it's life
The numbness turns to darkness...lights out
I awake to realize that nothing has changed
The pain I thought I chased away returns

The cycle repeats itself, pain grows stronger
Numbness is not easily attained, chased with more
Darkness is all I wish for, permanent like a sharpie
Sadness turns to rage, rage to shame

Fog sets all around my world
The darkness spreads, so much darkness
Shame turns to regret, regret to change
28 days cracking my skull to find the spark

The spark becomes an ember, glowing
Therapy and a hard look in the mirror provide the oxygen
It turns into a small flame, the light
The light pushes out the darkness

Fog rises up and becomes clouds on a sunny day
I see it all clearly now, life anew
The pain doesn't go away but is managed
Hard work, perseverance, honesty are my new friends

A Yukon Boy,
Becomes a Sober Man

He begs me to let him abuse himself
Until he realizes it ain’t fix itself

Bless.

He ain’t getting there yet
He ain’t letting me bet on a life together
He ain’t getting us set

Class!

Play your A-game on a lame day
Even if you feel taken for granted
You deserve your best self my darling
Even if he doesn’t.

That tight grab you feel in your heart when he turns into
a no man
He swears on his ***** to snooze you as well

Grab that grabs your heart
Let it be your saver
Give it a tight handshake
Pretend you are making it
Present your best face outfit
Play it baby play hard
Until your heart grows out of it.

Fresh

Here we go again.

Give me pills
Give me sadness
Just enough
To was away the madness

All the pretty killers
With degrees
And prescriptions
Tending to my friction

I destroy myself
And contaminate structures
Piecing back
My heartbreak fractures

Lovely ladies
Drinking poisonous wine
They don't know when
To draw the line

I can't count how many times
I've been to the hospital to D-Tox.
she was there by my side.
I turned her on to the cheesecake
and yogurt berry parfait.
It was a plain yogurt with
fresh black berries, raspberries, strawberries,
and blue berries.
It was amazing--it still is.
We'd stir up the parfait and pour
it on the cheesecake.
It was divine.

I sit here and eat it alone tonight.
The berries explode when I put
them in my mouth and chew on them.
It's like food for the Greek gods.
An ambrosia for the brokenhearted.

I think of her as the little blueberries
roll around on my tongue.
It's all so creamy and succulent.
But, I still sit lonely and eat our poetic
yogurt berry magic and cheesecake.
And each berry stores a memory in
every luscious bite.
I feel desolate that
she isn't here,
with that juicy purple
liquid running down
her chin.