Today, 4/9, turned 29;
in '94, 9th hour born;
4 craves stability,
9 thrives on change;

if you believe in
that sort of thing.
But like the dogwood,
its burnt-edge blooms;
the same each spring,
abscission looms.
Roots in the past,
leaves up for the storm
in '94, 9th hour born.

i felt miserable,
the crushing self rejection,
that a lover cannot fix,
the acceptance of being what broke you before.

but,
i stopped,
and realized i wasn’t alone,
for i was surrounded by garnets.
Twinkling, beautiful, crimson friends.

maybe it’s not so bad after all

A new love, could it be?
A chance to start again
We have not spoken, really
And you know nothing of me
Yet you say those words
“I’d love to get to know you”
Those awful words
Awful as they sparked a hope in my heart
A hope that only grows over time
Despite your late messages
And our dry conversations
And the fact that you are much better than me
I still cling the idea
That you and I could become something lovely
Do you think so too?
Is this the one chance I have?
It feels more real that the last time
But every moment is crushing me

PART 1:
Small talk, no conversation
That look makes me impatient
I can't tell what you’re thinking
Yes or no?
Last night we were more than fine
Just tell me if you changed your mind
At least show me a sign,
If you changed your mind
Cause I'm all in
I’m calling, no answer
But you text me when you feel like
When it feels right to you
When those feelings spike your heart of doubt
You know you got me in palm of your hand
And I love those hands
But you only let me hold you when he can’t
Wish you wouldn’t kiss me
Right now, on your lips just leave it
If you don’t mean it
Don’t build me up just to let me down
Don’t tell me you’re falling
With your feet still on the ledge
Leaving my heart on the edge

PART 2:
You picked me up
Put us down, and put me through this
Why?
Started off as a good thing, a sure thing
You held back but I know
Reminisce our time in spring
In that moment our lips touched the rush sent us straight to the moon
I should’ve known that we’d be coming down soon
Every time I think I love somebody
I always find a way to throw it away
Feel the air around us become soggy
I don’t wanna hurt anybody
I don’t wanna be the one to say
That we gotta have a conversation
And I thought you would stay forever where we lay
At the end, you watched the tears run down my face

PART 3:
To be young and in love in…
To know who I am but still know that I am good long as you’re here with me
Midnight sun into morning coffee
Burning through the hours talking
I knew from the first time, I’d stay for a long time
****, I liked me better when I was with you
Wish you would stay awhile
Stay here with me
My mind, whispers in the nighttime
That voice always keeping me up
Telling me that I shouldn’t give up
Lately, I’ve been stuck in the backseat to my own life
Tried to take control, but I don’t know how to
I don't wanna be sad forever
I’m calling to the other side
My sequin tears flood away my sorrow
Cause that’s all I can do today
But I’ll make it through tomorrow
After I am desolate from these feelings which betray…

coerced and inundated,
demands insistent, strident,
prioritize me before-the-less-restless,
escape to the land of
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