One day I realised,

I was only ever
afraid
of
myself.

It terrified me.

I do not want to be 18 anymore,
Because all I do is buy cigarettes.
& when I smoke them I think of you.

I do not want to smoke Mary-Jane.
Because when I'm high,
I still only think of you.

I do not want to get drunk anymore,
Because I'm tired of hearing my friends say "She's gone,"
Every time I ask to speak to you.

I do not want to stay awake all night,
And leave cuts on my wrists,
"I'm sorry," I'd say, "I was just thinking of her."

I never asked for this,
I try not to think about you,
So all I can tell myself is, "You left her."

don't
don't make me
don't make me pull the trigger
don't I don't want to please
I'm just
I'm scared
please
my hands are shaking
can't you see my han-
DON'T MAKE ME PULL THE TRIGGER, I SAID
don't please don't move
don't make this hard
just stay still please
you're all insects tonight.

I don't know whether you really left a scent
Or I just remember your smell
But it sure smells like you
Or it sure smells like memories

I wore this tonight because it's cold
I remember how your hugs gave me warmth
Now all I got are chills
And this sweater that doesn't even fit

I wore it a couple of times before
I wore it one Friday night
It reminded me of how we used to go out on movies
and eat whatever we like,
but mostly candies and chocolates
and cold coffee and ice cream

I wore it one hot afternoon
Weird, I know
Maybe I just want to feel you
or I just want to remember how it felt
I miss being cuddled
But being near to a piece
of clothing that once was yours
is the closest and only thing I got
Better than none, I guess

I wore it on our anniversary
It was sure a heck better if I celebrated it with you
But nope, all I got were mementos
and high hopes, and this sweater
along with other things that don't fit
your shirts - too big for my frame
my thoughts - too messy for my brain
memories - too overwhelming for my heart


**Funny how I treasure
the things that don't fit

Stuck
The tape keeps on repeating
No disgust or hate
I just cannot relate
Anymore
Any longer
Stuck
Here I can't escape
Even though I ran
And I changed
I stayed the same

Too tired to sleep
Too afraid to dream
Stuck in a bowl
A delicate stream holds me
Down to sanity
Stuck
Here I can't escape

Tried courage
Valiant I was defeated
My dreams won't let me in
Stuck
Here I shall never
Escape my fate
Insanity cackles
Taunting each vein
I'm still running
Too tired to wake up
Too tired to fight
Stuck

I am just a little star in your horizon
It's enough to see you glance at me once in a while
But then I craved and I yearned
Now I don't want to be just a tiny star
I want to be big enough to be the one you want
and close enough for you notice when gone,
*I want to be the sun