am i a failure ?
indecisiveness is the blood that runs in my veins
not good enough is a label on my brain
in between clouds on a plane ,
yet i feel crushed beneath the surface of the earth
and i try not to feel too much or think too much
but like an invisible ghost my own brain haunts me
i try to close my eyes and drift away like the aircraft I'm in
but my thoughts pull me harshly down like gravity
I'm now a crashing airplane
sending down flames and pain , I'm crying
my tears are the ocean i crash into
and my soul is the island nearby
watching myself crash and not being able to do anything about it
silent and lost in its own forest , my soul watched me from afar
my screams , my sirens begging for it to help
I'm falling into the water in slow motion yet everything seems to happen so fast
thinking if i would ever float to the surface
I'm still drowning , in my own tears and blood
slowly i lose my ability to breathe
but my beating heart is not stopping
i hit the ocean floor , a loud thud that  created a crater
now sand is surrounding me
i open my eyes but i can't see , the giant ocean and world in front of me
on the ocean floor helplessly laying
no hope no dreams no goals just a blank space of feelings
thoughts scream into my head and i mute them dead
i wake up on a shore ready to fly again
where will life take me after all this hurt and misery
will i drown in the salty water of my eyes
or explode on a town full of people
will i fall and be the fault of the peoples' pain
or will i safely reach land
my engines ignite , i regain back my sight
its time to see the world with my own eyes
its the time to live not trying to survive

I could disappear
Go off somewhere
And write/
Write to excite
Write to exceed
Write for the world
Write to the extreme/
Write into the belly of the beast
Feast
this would be undeniable/
For the pen these words I am held accountable/
liable
  but it's only write no more or less/if I left would you think of me any more or less/
if I got lost in my dreams consumed by the prose/
no distraction after a year or two maybe           I suppose/
with in that Amount of time what I could compose/
novel a best seller turn movie that would gross/
a considerable amount with my un orthodox approach/
so much bread I could absolutely positively loaf/
instead I'll prepare for the next installment /
cause the words keep calling/
the pen don't rehab that's write falling/
into a trap last time I quit I ran write back/
I'm addicted that's the first step to the addiction
the admittance/
these pictures got me depicting just to elicit/
did you react? /
Yea write or **** write it's all writes with me/
I'll die fighting for my writes my write to be/
my write to dream
My write of free
so if I go off and it feels not write and  your looking for me/
this is the map you know write write where I'll be!

I'm tired of being the strong one,
having to hide mascara stained tissues at the bottom of the trash.
For once, I'd like to be the one with
a head on a shoulder
crying over nothings.
When do the strong get to be the weak?

I don't remember much
I remember sitting with my mom
She said something that triggered me emotionally
I ignored it, I zoned out
I excused myself
I came to my room
I closed the door
I lay in my bed
Enduring the pain
Of my emotional misfortune
As well as the physical pain
From my pounding head
For some reason
I caught sight of my chest
I could see my nightdress
And I could see my heart
Trying as much as it can
To shy away from the pain
I felt it sink into hiding
I wish there was something
Something I could do for it
It's always been there for me
All the grenades it's caught for me
The scars it's bared for me
The cracks it's cemented for me
I felt a tear fall from my right eye
I was stunned, I touched my tear
I tasted it, salty taste of melancholy
That was weird for me
Because I haven't cried in 12 months
I wasn't expecting to cry
I never thought I would cry
Then I felt it
That feeling you get
When you drown yourself
In your own river of tears

I didn't have a lot of choices growing up.
Not unless you count the way I wanted him.  

Painful or excruciating.

I didn't have much power either.  
No amount of prayers, wishing, hoping, begging would change his mind.  

Not to say that I didn't try though.

I have a difficult time conveying just how strong my memories and flashbacks are.  I appear calm and collected to the passerby.  I have to.  But peer into my soul and you will see the claw marks of my pain. Scraping their way down into a collective pool of boundless grief and torment log jammed by the planks of fear and shame.

I long to turn myself inside out and bare my rotting scars.  To have someone besides myself witness what bubbles to the surface just long enough to be squelched again.  Power and a choice.  That is what I beg to find within those murky waters.

A choice to change.  
A choice to pull the planks and let the stagnant flow.

The power to persevere.  
The power to put them in their rightful place.  
Forever.

I spend so much time telling myself not to break
I forget to acknowledge the fact-
I'm already ******* broken.
The pieces of me are spread out
amongst the hearts I've ripped to pieces
not realizing because the bottle
masked any emotion I thought I had.
It ***** listening to the stories of her
how highly you think of someone
who tore apart your heart-
I guess just like I did
and maybe that's why I hate her
maybe because I actually hate what I did to you...
But still hearing her ******* name makes me cringe
because you were the first person I actually opened up to
and **** I ******* cared for you.
If you think for a second that I didn't
then good, that's exactly what I wanted back then.
But now, I wish I could've let you know
it was never you-
the reason that I ran
It was insecurity and low self worth
that sent me running far from what I wanted all along.

I gave love a chance again,
because I didn't wanna **** up
the way I so royally did with you.
I know you never loved me
not like you thought you did at least
and you never fell for me exactly
just the mere idea of who you thought I was.
But I am damaged-
and I would have destroyed you
every single thing you gave,
because that's what I did then.

But because of you
I found great love
and opened up in ways
I never thought I would.
I learned to love myself
after I lost you.
My days are spent loving someone
in a way I never thought was even possible.
I never want this feeling to end,
and god I hope you get what you deserve.
You deserve so much.
Find it, and never let it go-
I know **** well I won't make that mistake again
I will love until I can no longer take it anymore-
It's an addiction, and ironically a cure.

i'm a terrible person
i will make you forget about everything else
i will ask you to dance with me in the middle of the night
i will look at your eyes; into your soul
i will plant flowers on edges of your mind
only to **** the butterflies that will feed from their nectars
i will rip off your skin and crush your every bone
i will kiss you until it hurts and leave you wanting more
and before you even know it,
im no longer the lady who takes care of your garden
then, you'll realize
i've always been that girl who plucks flowers from
their stems and steal their life away
only to satisfy herself with a flower crown in her hair