This isn't where I unwind on weekends
This is where I live

We expect life to build steadily,
experiences improving,
possessions increasing,
intimacy building as time goes by
until, in a grand crescendo,
we are fulfilled one day

On our death bed,
we say goodbye
to those we hold dearest
We weep as we hold hands,
but we know we have lead a good life
and we will be remembered

The fear of regret we once held
has long been dissipated
We wound up with the right partner
We went without so our kids
could attend the best schools
They will have an even better life than we

But how many lives truly end this way,
and how many in common tragedy?

You told me I made your list;
your list of who you'd pray for
the rest of your life
I made the list, man
What did I do to earn it?
I was a good kid
with a little problem,
and then it lead me to divorce
Were you praying then, man?
Was I still on the list?
And tonight, as I cry for a girl
I haven't been with for a year,
am I still on your list now?

you say
this
I look at you like
that
make a joke
here
a brush across the hand
there
a smile
a laugh
a text
a kiss
and I'm bored
I see the moves
as they occur
before they unfold
I know just what
you're going to do
what you're going to say
and what I'm supposed to
and I'm bored
I'm ******* bored

All he wanted
was to lay naked with her
with hands on each other's hearts,
to look into one another's eyes,
and to see the tears trickle down
in the deepest understanding

I don't like life today,
and tomorrow I won't, either
I rarely bother to write about it anymore

The over and over pounding
—head against head—
Can the nail go in any further?

Maybe.
Maybe if I think some more,
I can find something new in the muck

Or maybe I continue to sift
because the grime is familiar,
and to find something new
would ruin the whole experience

I could go for being ruined

Don't turn me inside out
before you throw me in the dryer
I want you to see my cracks when I'm done

When I find another girl
How will I explain
The love poems I wrote you
When I have none to give to her

when I had you at home,
or even had a chance,
I could go out
and not want anyone
I no longer ask,
where have you gone?
but I would like to know
when the next you will come

Recorded off the cuff: https://soundcloud.com/user4081486/the-observatory

...You remember doing that with me?
Sitting on the couch or just standing around
Watching TV
Playing darts
You remember talking about shooting stars?
The size of the universe
Where we came from
Where we'll go once we're dead
Dead...hard to accept, but we'd talk about it
You had your views and I had mine
I found yours to be beautiful
And remember how I wanted to take you
To the observatory?
I never got to take you on that date
I doubt if anyone ever will
But I wanted to see you look at the stars
Or look at the planets with your own eyes
Just how you'll do
After you die

He's probably one of the thoughtful,
He thought,
As he passed by the doors of the pained

when you figure it out
like my first love did,
and you look back
and see what you
left behind
as though
you've grown
a pair of
new eyes,
I'll lend a
listening ear;
I'll genuinely care;
I'll appreciate
what you want
to repair;
but I doubt
I'll ever
trust you again

Yes, you're pretty
You're laid back, chill
Soft features appeal
Common ground, interests
We can talk in depth
On any given topic
We can take a trip
To a place we both want to see
You cuddle, my favorite
But where is my desire?
You have it all,
But nothing about you moves me
Except when I look at you,
I hurt
I'm not allowed
By this heart
It matters not who you are

I grew up traditional
Conservative Christian
The beauty of women
Was intellectually pounded into me
You are the pinnacle
Much of that made it to my heart
I sit in awe of your beauty
In contrast to that of a canyon
Or a snow-laden mountain

You are the living embodiment
Of the best all creation can produce







Unless you're a *****

These were the best days
in the history of all;
the days when humans
began to conquer the world,
harnessing technology
beyond the imagination
of previous generations;
the days before
it conquered them all

If you ask me tomorrow,
how was the show?
I'm gonna say it was
ok, but I had to leave
too many people in that place
I couldn't handle them
walking by me constantly
bumping into me
all this motion in front of me
can't move at all
so I watched the game
at the bar instead
and I went home
and had my own dance party
it was fun to dance,
but kinda sad

I wanted to write
about that sweet spot
the lowest part of
a woman's back
where my hand rests
after making love
where I trace my palm
up and down
that same perfect curve
over and over
my favorite place

But here I am again
again and again
full of anxiety
your trespasses
firmly rooted
in my mind
my heart
still can't
understand what
happened to it
so I make this "art"
instead

I'm sitting next to her,
my arm around her,
her resting on me,
on the couch.
She's comfortable,
she's relaxed.
Her gaze meets mine.

Her lips don't quiver.
There's no fire in her eyes.
There's not a frown,
a smile,
a smirk,
raised or furrowed brows.

There's just a slight hint of something beneath her casual calm.
She may barely even know it's there.
And her lips never move, but I hear a whisper.

"Love me"

You wanna kick it
I say yea
I don't know what I'm getting into
But neither do you
You're a different kind of girl
I'm a different kind of guy
I have some idea of what I offer
But what about you?
Is it possible I was right
In my drunken mind
That you have a lovely heart?
Others say "*****"
When I show them your picture
It is of your backside
I say I saw something in you
But I do whitewash
And I do love a broken girl
Who needs rescued
Can the wild be tamed?
They have to want to

Goodbye
is a despicable word

She's a burlesque performer
And I wonder,
Does she carry that confidence to bed?
Does she have to act with a real man?
Or has she ever even been with one-
One who took her to bed
Because of who she was to him?
Would she crumble then,
The way she stumbled to answer my little questions about her?

It's strange that we were carried around in our moms in the same area
And that we each took our first breath in the same hospital
Maybe we breathed the same air, though it would have been stale by the time you were there
It's strange that we walked around nearby and went to the same school in our different bodies
That we probably passed each other in the hallway
That years later, we actually met, had small talk and flirted
That our bodies met for the first time
That we smiled and touched each other
That part of my body was inside yours
And that what went on outside, I guess, caused some issues between us
So now someone else's body is in yours
Someone else I shared hallways with
And orange slices at soccer games
I don't really like how it is now
I wish I could have just stayed inside you
I think we both liked that

I remember when
thinking about you
wasn't the
most toxic
thing
I could do

I'd write a sad poem
About how you moved on,
I didn't,
And how I miss you

But I'm too tired
From getting high
To keep you off my mind

She comes to mind frequently,
and normally runs roughshod over me
I recognized, thanks to a friend,
that these thoughts are not helpful or productive
I can go down that route a thousand times,
and I have,
but it doesn't matter how much time I spend;
it will always be a dead end

I don't yet know what to think instead,
so now when she comes to mind,
I see what's happening,
I sit in a state of moderate confusion,
knowing I don't want to go there,
but not sure what else to do
I suppose there's still plenty of healing ahead,
but here's to another step

Could you tell I'm insecure
by the way I dance?
Would it bother you
that I'm that way,
or could you love me in spite?
Given my emotional turmoil,
do I need to fix myself
before I can meet you?
And should I be looking for you,
or should I just wait?

Tickling in ****, huh?
Is that there
to remind me
someone else
has this kind of fun
playful
cute
even sensitive
and to remind me
of what's gone?

Nothing left to give,
I take a double shot of whisky,
Ironically,
From the shot glass she gave me

No,
I'm not on drugs
I'm just this ****** up of a person

I could dance
dance dance
all night long
night in and night out,
but when I come home,
I'm still alone
and it's taboo these days
to need anyone,
but I need you,
whoever you are
and wherever you are
I wish you would
show your face
so I could hold it
in my hands,
look into your eyes,
be known,
and know you

Want to pass notes on my phone
Like we're in grade school?
Might be more fun
Than reading the safety guide
For this airplane
Plus, if the plane goes down
We're ****** anyway

I will tell you all the stuff I told the last one
You'll get to hear all of my mess

Plus one more she didn't know:
I'll break a chair if you meet someone new
Then I'll write a hundred poems about you

If you can accept that now,
Maybe you can be my girl

Please don't show up now
I'm not ready to meet you yet

This is a tribute to you
The one who took me for a ride
From where I was
To the the rough waters beside
You taught me something new
We ****** rocked and rolled
A woman who needed to be taken
By no means ready to be a bride
But if I had made you one,
What a one you would have made
Wild on the inside
Taste like you've never seen
Zeppelin, Lorde, Bud Select
Or whatever's free
Pick you up and put you down
As you look into me
What man could pass you by
Once you've given yourself away?

Your catch phrases don't do ****
Listen to my heart,
Then look me in the eye
And tell me your best one
I'll laugh,
Then I'll cry
I'll break something
And one day I'll die

I always check my account
to see how many likes I got
on a poem I wrote
But sometimes,
just knowing a few people
even viewed it
and know that I'm hurt,
which is usually what I write about,
even if they don't care,
is kind of...good, I guess.
It's hard to believe there's
something like 6500 views
on all my poems combined...
hard to imagine all those experiences
of different people
with different minds
experiencing what I wrote in some way
even if they just read a few lines
and moved on for good
I wonder who all of you are

If I add enough water
To this *****
I can convince myself
I need to drink it
To stay hydrated

:)

I make myself a ***** cranberry
with a splash of water
A few gulps and I realize
I don't really want this
I pour it down the drain,
and I wonder
if someone will tell me
it's some kind of sign of alcoholism
I smoke some **** instead

Hey everyone,
I wanted you all to know
That I went to rehab
No, not drug rehab
****** addiction rehab
Much more...I don't know,
Abnormal?
I want you to know this
Because I love you
And I don't care
What kind of **** you've been through
Or how ****** up you are
I am too
I've been close to a lot
And I'm sure if I knew your whole,
I would love you the same,
If not even more
Because vulnerability is beautiful
Wear your heart inside out
You won't scare me
And if you scare someone else, well,
Now you know who they are

Packed boxes all around the floor
Dresser drawers with no dresser
Laundry piles
Not sure which are *****
Yard waste fills up the yard
And when I go to clean it up
Instead, I just think about it all again

All you did was fall away

What I really do with my time is browse dating sites with zero hope in heart until I see a pretty girl I think I'd get along well with, and then they never respond, or they stop talking for no apparent reason, and I go back to start.

I listen to music and lay on the couch when I should be sleeping. I watch a bunch of **** and ******* for an hour or two. I watch the most emotionally deep tv shows I can find, and sometimes cry.

I crave life, but it's not what I live.
I take life from friends without any to give.

Come over and I'll cuddle up with you and cry. I'll wipe your tears away and let you see mine. If you can hold my gaze, I'll look in your eye, and you in mine.

I can see you, and you are beautiful. You are my favorite thing in this world. I am yours, you are mine, and we'll wonder together if we both belong to someone divine.

What lies within this man
is apparently gold,
at times, for others
But toxic thoughts keep him
from daring to enjoy anything
Please, someone distract him
before his life has fled
and he finds his false beliefs
were of the worst kind there is
when he could have had others
just as false,
but not suffered without end

Please tell me,
Why is it that I'm such an unhealthy person?
I didn't have that bad of a childhood
Not bad at all, really. Pretty good, if anything.
Minimal trauma.
Imperfect, but loving parents.
Is it my brain chemistry?
Genetics?
I don't get it.

Well, I can't answer that question.
Reason being I haven't been there all along
You see, I'd have to know exactly who you were when you were born
And then I'd have to know how your mother held you
How your father disciplined you
What your sister said to you when you'd annoy her
And I'd have to have been there for it all
Every moment
Because each moment shaped you
And even then, I couldn't see just what imprint each experience left
Because I am not inside you
I would have a lot of clues
And I could ask questions for more
But there is no knowing it all
Because you are you because of everything

If you don't want to message me back,
that's fine
If you want to talk a bit and stop replying,
that's fine
If you want to talk for hours on end,
that's fine
If you want to see my poems before we meet,
that's fine
If you don't think I'm cute,
that's fine
If you only want me to be your best friend,
that's fine

Just because I know what I want
and I know I'm not going to get it
doesn't mean you can't get yours

When I die
I want you to remember me
Flip through my photos
Like I would do of you
Read my poems
The good, the bad, the disturbing
Let the tears stream down your face
Empty yourself of breath and gasp
As you cry as hard as you ever have
Because this is how I always felt

Edit 11/5/2014:

In case you are really reading this after my death, I love you, and I will say hi to God for you if he's up there and if I know who you are and if he's a cool dude and not all authoritarian. Or if he's just a really loving guy; I guess he'd like to hear from you then, too. Anyway, I wasn't really quite this sad all the time, but I did feel a lot of loneliness, and I was sad. Severely lonely at times. Like there was nobody that got me at all and nobody that wanted my true self because if they didn't get me, how could they want me as I actually am? But I do love you even if I couldn't accept your love the way you wanted me to. And I'm sorry I couldn't. And I probably miss you.

If my appearance is hard,
Just keep your distance
If I come across friendly,
Run the **** away

I don't know who you are
or what you're doing now,
but I cried a lot for you
when I was 16,
and the only reason
I don't cry for you now
is that everything
is more complicated now,
and I've cried about it all
too much already
There's not a lot left here,
but maybe
it'll come back
once I meet you

What is your name?
And where are you?

Are you a sunset
With the gentlest clouds,
Full of calm vibrance
In which I will lose myself?

Or are you a mountain
With deeply defined features,
Full of wild life
Which I will conquer?

Whoever I find,
You will surely move me,
For I will not have you
Until this is true

Dad,
And Mom,
If I pass
And you find all this,
Find some mushrooms
My friend by the same name
May be able to help
Have a bunch
And stare at my paintings
And you'll know who I was

I saw you across the way
My breath taken, I could barely approach
Your gaze spoke,
"There's hope yet"
I knew the rules of the game;
I wouldn't take you home that night
You were more than a one-time show
So I held my breath until it was right
We connected, and you were mine
But to my surprise, the hope then died
The search began again
As I left you behind

You break through my walls
Arrive at my core
Caress what lies there
And I'm lonely no more

You're the closest companion
Anyone will ever be
You calm my troubled mind
But why do you leave?