it's been a year of firsts
my first time moving out
my first time with a guy
my first time being in control
but sadly
I can't say I've experienced
my first time moving on

it's been over a year
and still you appear in my thoughts
daily, mostly in fear

I gave you my mind
my heart, my soul, my love
but it wasn't enough for you
you bent and twisted me until you broke me

even though this year changed me
so many different ways
deep down I'm so glad
I didn't let myself stay

I think about you
miss you, too
I'm drunk but still with it enough to say
*******

I'm drawing a blank
I think this is a mistake
where did all my friends go?

I thought I had it right
you and me and they were tight
now I watch from across the road

I see all of the tweets
products of ignoring my greets
where you've all gone? I don't know

thought I could count on you forever
and nobody knew me better
it's 3:42 and now I'm alone

it's ironic
the second I put my thoughts out
they all seem to dissipate

it's ironic
the moment I consider sharing myself
I've realized that it's too late

love -
an emotion filled with desire
well i desire you.

its you i want
breathing your deepest drowned secrets in my ear
telling me you never loved anybody this much
stroking my hair in the hot, hot sun

love -
an emotion filled with trust
well i trust you.

its you i want
knowing when I'm not ok
kissing me to wipe my tears away
thinking of me when you're not here with me

love -
an emotion filled with affection.
well, i wanna affect you

its you i want
thinking of me when you're with her
missing me when you're all alone
dreaming of me because you aren't here.

where are you?

i love you.

I am an egg shell
broken and torn
left alone when you no longer need me
cracks in the sense I make
or the jokes I think are funny
once so pure holding life inside me
you take all I have to give
(but sometimes I give too much)
here I am, a broken exterior
left to wonder what will happen next
I am an egg shell

I don't know why I get so down and I
don't know why I keep getting
trapped
I don't know why I can't stay up and I
don't know why I can't stop thinking
of raising
a cup or a glass of something strong
enough to influence me
something to get me high or just
enough to quit the suppressing
choking me back with these thoughts
I can't get rid of
it doesn't take much these days
to get me
down, down, down
lately all I know is my head just spins a-
round, round, round
nothing much to focus on to keep me
from drowning
I don't know what I'm doing but clearly
I'm frowning

I don't know
what I was thinking
when I decided to post
my most deep, dark
personal thoughts online.

I'm practically invisible
located in a sanctuary
I'm just horrified by what's
possible, it's all mental
who's reading this?

don't tell me
I don't want to
know you, and I don't
want you to know
the real me

let me be
I wanna be free
I'm sick of your judgement
whether it be real
or all mental

who's reading this?
don't tell me, please
I'm filled with anxious curiosity
don't forget, I'm contradictory
let me be

I haven't made my bed in days

a simple little task
which seems to hold no value

it's the sign of a new beginning
starting beside the light
it's a little bit of magic
for you to do what's right

I'm lacking motivation
for the simplest of things
looking past the glory of
the magic each day brings

I tell people how to get better
I'll listen to their thoughts
maybe I'll get better
but who's to say I'm not?

I write this in my messy bed
of course, it's by choice
ignoring the magic practically shouted at me
by the words created by my own
voice.

"write another poem"
he said a few weeks ago
I told him, "never again"
but I have thoughts I can't expose

life is much too short, you see
they say to enjoy each day
but I'm absolutely sorry
sometimes I think a different way

I'm not suicidal though
I love the life I live
the pain of seeing your loved one go
isn't one I intend to give

I don't know what these feelings are
or why I think this way
but like I've previously states
my plan for a while is to stay

some days I feel so trapped inside
my conscious, hear me out
I'm screaming through my blank stares
that you couldn't care less about

the life I live is beautiful
people, animals, flowers, rain
I'm happy but sometimes in ways
I think I'm mentally insane

I don't know what I'm saying
I'm too contradictory for such words
he asked me for this poem
but my thoughts are too absurd

do you ever wonder what's out there?

past the stereotypical clowns
living in your hometown

once you drive out of reach from the pests
claiming that you aren't "your best"

when you're no longer trapped behind school doors
where all that matters is a test score

rather, in a place
where you could paint the days away

a place you could freely tour
the sea, museums, or a jungle floor

the places in my dreams
could be exactly what they seem

I've always wondered what's out there.

I love the amazement in his eyes
as he watches me paint
the way he can't stop staring, he
makes me feel that I've got talent

I love how excited he gets
when he shows me a funny vine
unlike many people, he
makes me feel I'm worth his time

but he, he is not you

it's you I want against my skin
with no concept on time
the way your warmth caresses my soul
so I'd truly know you're mine

it's you I'd get excitement for
as you graze across my cheek
I'd watch you do the things you love
sadly, that's not me

I promised I'd give writing a go again
so here I am

restlessly searching through
everything I've ever known
begging for something to write about

I've been happy lately I think

well I haven't wanted to self harm
well I have been eating
well I haven't cried much

crying rather

crying because I want things I can't have
crying because of music I love dearly
crying because I miss you

you are who made me like this

I am trapped
behind these closed doors
I want more
outside of the stereotypical high school world
no matter what I do here, I'll always be just a girl
give me more
living in freedom in what I wear
and not being judged for wanting blue hair
send me more
filled with constant love that I wanna pour out
and opinions that people should care about
but I'm trapped
right here, right now
and it's getting to be about time I learned how
to set my body, thoughts, and love free
instead of suppressing my cherished dreams.
send me more
give me more
I want more
but I am trapped
behind these closed doors.