a long time ago,
my friend killed himself
because all of his friends were too far away.
I saw suicide as weak
cowardly
and selfish.
I'm a hypocrite,
and I also understand his reasoning.
because my friends are too far away too.
distance does not always strengthen the heart, does it,
my lost and gone friend?

i can't say i'm going to be sad for you to get another girl
since i'm the one who pushed you away.
i can't be frustrated when i'm rooting for you
but i also want you to want me
when we both know you can't have me.
i just want to be wanted,
and you want me the most
right now.

the moon loves us so much,
it circles us day and night.
it comes in new phases
all the time,
and we still think it's beautiful
we still stare at it in wonder
and love it nonetheless.
no matter what it is.

why can't we accept ourselves at all phases as well?
why can't we embrace our cycles?

"I appreciate you."
"And what about me do you appreciate?"
she looked down,
"A lot of people don't have enough guts to look the unknown in the eye,
and validate it.
You face it. You face the unknown."
I smiled,
thinking that reality must come someday,
so why would I ever avoid it?

"I appreciate your honesty with reality" she said.
she didn't realize she was she same as me, did she?

i wonder
how long will it take for me to die?
how long will the pain last
in my mind
in my bones.
oh i feel it everywhere,
it reverberates in my body,
my tiny, weak and frail little body.
how long will it persist
in scarring me
front and back.

my mind, a strong fortress.
so full of imagination and thoughts
beyond your wildest dreams,
maybe in them too.
intoxicated with love and adoration
for people and their souls.
their beautiful and intricate thoughts.

but my body
eating itself alive
and rejecting itself.
beating itself with a hammer.
like self harm,
but it hurts both of us.

but i love it so much,
i take such good care of it
i try so hard...
i try so hard to be gentle
and give it all love i can find.
i know no one treats you very well,
but i try so hard.

is it not enough?

am i not enough, again?

i won't make it to see you love me,
i'm trying to die.

we age as quickly as our world,
she aged as quickly as the stars.
her numbers were short,
but her death was long.
I think I loved her just as long.