You were curious--
I opened doors so you could see.
You were scared--
I fought so much to rid your fears.
You were upset--
I gave my best to make you smile.

You changed your mind--
I lied, I bore the pain, I said it was okay.

I was patient,
I was kind,
I was humble,
So what did I do wrong?

When all I wanna do is see you,
It takes strength to cage that feeling,
When all I wanna do is kiss you,
But need to give you space for breathing,
When all I wanna do is touch you,
I cannot stop my heart from bleeding,
When all I wanna do is love you,
But still unsure of its true meaning.

there is a lot to be said
for this numbness
and denial
the avoidance
of pain
at all costs
this dance
to remain steadfast
guarded
shielded
from yourself
proud of the effort
trying not to watch time
wondering how long
you can function
in this altered state
knowing
to embrace the pain
will eventually mean to
let go
of it
of everything
of you
forever
without the one day
least expected
the tidal wave
crashing
unleashing
the reality
of everything
you never wanted to know
never wanted to feel
and yet
wishing for it
waiting for it
hoping for it
to engulf you
and end it all