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You didn't want to fall for me
You hated the fact that everyone did
Yet somehow you became

The one that cared the most.
I know, I'm spamming. Get over it.
such a
re>>lease
you. You. U.
[finally]saidthewords
i need
to~ get~ me~
off my
#knees
all this
_ _ time I
| re | fus | ed |
^to ^ see^
     {it's you}
it's/not/me
Head shots like mug shot
selfies
Professing to the world their
desires to be seen like
gay barbie dolls

Green dots, I reply:
A collection of blue highlighted
selfies
of empty responses,
validating my
inadequacy

When I decided to accept
that I was gay and
cause a queer whirlwind into
the calm atmosphere that is my
family
I expected life to become easier

But as I venture into the world of
green dots and barbie selfies
I am reminded that
Gay
is not what stirred up
my hurricane of
Confusion
Insecurities
Inadequacies

It's all just me.
App
They have an app for everything
Apply this apple application vigorously
I need an app for this confusion
Where’re all the apps for my delusions
Hallucinations seem pretty nice
But I rather control them with an app
Delirium is no friend of mine
They control it with an app
All of these buttons produce bad business
You’re the ones who push them, I’m the witness
They take their pictures with an app
Photoshop the eye of the beholder
It’s the witching hour
They shout it from the watchtower
They climb up and down the ladder
They train the cruelest adders
With or without an app
I walk so often, late, along the streets,
Lower my gaze, and hurry, full of dread,
Suddenly, silently, you still might rise
And I would have to gaze on all your grief
With my own eyes,
While you demand your happiness, that's dead.
I know, you walk beyond me, every night,
With a coy footfall, in a wretched dress
And walk for money, looking miserable!
Your shoes gather God knows what ugly mess,
The wind plays in your hair with lewd delight---
You walk, and walk, and find no home at all.
So let me get this straight;
there was one point during whatever this is,
that I was kind of important to you.
I did matter, you did care,
that, at the very least, is the truth.

But what happened after that,
to make me so easy to replace,
to ignore, to put out of your mind?
Was I only a momentary thought for your pleasure,
a nice way to past the time?

Don't tell me you thought I moved on first,
just because I'm close to other men.
Because from what I heard
you aren't lonely either,
and the women you're with
are far from just "friends".

It would be nice to know for sure,
that you think of me, every now and again,
because lord knows I can't keep you off of my brain.
I just have to find out if you were worth all the sleepless nights,
or were my feelings for you just in vain.
Most nights
I don't spend sleeping

I lie awake

I don't feel,
It doesn't feel
Like I'm here -

Lying on this bed
For hours on end
Thrashing and turning
And thrashing again
Left to right,
Flat on my back,
On my stomach,
Then on my back

Staring

At whatever darkness
I could make out of the ceiling

And beyond, whatever hovered

Right above it

I wish I could lie
Swear it
By the stars and the sky

Say -

I haven't got a clue
As to what's keeping me up

But I'm past the point of untruth
And I've already come too far now

So this one I'll let out

I know as much

It's everything -
***** dishes in the kitchen,
Bills that need payment,
Reports to be written
Letters to be sent
Dates to be set
My parents' health
My siblings' texts
A friend who needs my dress -

And off my mind wanders

Farther,

Much farther

Than I would want it to
Than I know it should

Up north, down south,
West to east and back again -

Wherever you lie at night
Or sit during the day
Wondering about

How tall is that skyscraper you're building
Still no cheese in your popcorn
Sunday Star Wars marathons
And James Bond impressions
Three cups of coffee
And a steaming mug of tea a day
Are you still the same
That pub that had our drinks out
Before we even got there
Does it still stand
Two blocks away
Like me
Do you still
Lie awake and
Think most at night


But
More than a different place, is
A different time

I cannot keep up

One of us
Could still be in 2008

Replaying every single moment
The day we met,

Lost

In the littlest details -
The green of your sweater
Hair right above the shoulder
And the faintest of crinkles
Your eyes showed
The first time you smiled -

But the other, already

Ten, twenty years down the road

Pieces picked up along the way -
How you liked your steak
The bed you never make
Oreos when you're up at midnight
Beer for conversations
And ***** for celebrations -

Now just tucked away

In a tiny box you keep
Under your bed

Or perhaps,
In one of those storage spaces
You now rent
For all those trinkets
That no longer suit
Your sharp, new apartment

Or maybe
(I especially like this theory)

Thrown away

Never to be found again

Oh, really, I wouldn't know
And there's no way how

After all

It's five in the morning
My time

And in yours,
Wherever you are now
Do they still
Keep track of time
The same way they do today
In 2008?
Don't give me coffee after twelve. Not safe for the mind that tends to wander off.
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