i held you for a night
and now things are different

what changed?

He will tie the strings of the masks each day,
Waiting ‘til the set of suns to remove it from its grasp:
Tugging on skin. First, the heaviest of all,
Abhorring the world for granting him the greatest burden;
Infuriated for not gaining the choice of first breath.
Purity of immense emotion, coursing through newly opened lungs.
Second, the hungriest: Shoving the mask aside to consume life,
Delectable love filling tables, now made just to fill his stomach…
Only to fall to the ground, clutching himself at thus, no longer hungry.
Third, a mask stuck to his face and peeling skin with attempts to remove it;
Falling to his knees, he looks up,
Up to those above him, begging the skies for such a life- for such freedoms.
A wide smile forming beneath, teeth gleaming with a chuckle:
He simply wants what they have.
Fourth, the lies of all veils, God, why create such a mask?
He shall look across the room to eye the other, blood pounding in ears:
Pulsing, drumming, begging needing wanting standing to ask for just-
A dance? But he hides his soul beneath the mask and shall continue to the end.
The fifth, an arrogant fellow of such. His branch most sophisticated,
His tree the strongest but the sprouts below?:
Changing too much for his own approval, despite the brightness of their leaves,
For he was the one recognized by the sun.
Sixth, leather with a hollow beak scented with crimson carnations.
Folds and wrinkles, creaking bones soon to turn dust,
Why would he rise from his wooden chair? Rocking
Back, and forth, back, and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth and back and forth-
Snap. Crack.
But he is not prepared, he is far from hopeful, the sand falling quickly.
He does not wish any longer to wear the last mask:
Number seven.
The previous six shatter and tumble to the ground, now mirrors in the soil.
He looks upon the shards, lungs gasping at the sight:
A man, yet not a man. A demon, yet far from such.
He hungers for the gift of first breath, for the love fed to him,
For the freedoms, for the dance, for the trees and for the petals.
He is not prepared to go,
For wasn’t it once said,
That hell is empty, and all the devils are here?
Perhaps the lenses in this one shall show him truth, or perhaps not.

i think i'm still in love with you
but i'm scared
because there's someone new

a song i play on the piano
a melody whose meaning can change with the tempo:
fast- for the autumn walks and sneaking out at 1 am,
holding hands and running in the rain to the gas station,
blaring our favorite music in the basement,
the world light and the scent of ***** in the air.
a pleasant high as we dance together.

but then i play it slow- for when i called you in the dusk,
dry heaving on the side of the road as i sobbed,
begging for the truth, pleading and weeping for just the truth,
hanging up when you finally do,
tears filling the streets as i scream,
i go home numb and put my headphones in,
ignoring the world for months.

just like a creek
a stream of water
slipped through my fingers

she's gone
again

you've put me in
to cardiac arrest

i wish to be angry with you
to tear the earth apart
and scream at the sky until my voice is torn.
to cut off my wings and fall to the ground
collapsing in the sand.

i wish to be happy for you
to smile when you talk about him
and go along with the two of you.
to laugh at his jokes
and pretend nothing is wrong until i get home:
falling back into the sand and creating an ocean.

but i can not find an in between,
and i can be neither.
for all i can do is pray to relive the memories i hold so dear.
to remember the night you helped me realize i like cookie dough ice cream,
to remember the river that pulled us along,
but it was okay because we were dragged together.
to remember the days we danced alone with a playlist made especially for us.
our song.

i’d give my happiness,
i’d give my love,
i’d give my wings of shining white.
there is nothing on this earth i wouldn’t give

just to kiss your lips once more.

My house is the one with connected yards,
Privacy lacking when the tree fell, only to be replaced by ones still short.
From wearing baggy hoodies and soft fabrics,
Shoes overworn and broken in from lack of care.
Wavelengths downloaded to my phone, simply sounds of anger,
Yet I am from the soothing words of Prince and The Beatles - from my dad -
A bridge cracked, a new one being paved.

for once in my life i'm mad at you
i'm mad that you got me to love you,
when you knew it was going to end.
i'm mad at you for keeping secrets
and lying when i first asked.

i'm mad that I'm still in love with you,
and that i miss the taste of your lips
and sound of your voice.

i'm mad that i crave your touch
and give up the anger when you call.

i hate you.
i hate that i need you.

i was right yet again
and i’m too tired to write anything good
i’m just tired of the hurt
and not knowing what to physically do with myself
because sleep isn’t an option
as all i’ll dream about his him
when i lose consciousness after three hours

that a boy could be so pretty

a dance going back and forth,
a consistent struggle as i cry yet search for another.
but our dance has come to an end,
an end you accepted far before i ever could,
and yet here i am.
sitting on the bench, taking off my shoes.
staring across the room as i let out a sigh.
i’m okay now.

is he?

i kept going

we met when we were little, the world at our command.
we drifted for years, rejoicing when we once met again.
we were confused together, crying when we discovered we held the same secret.
we fell in love, at least, i did.
we held onto that love for years, a campsite i will truly never forget.
we drifted once more, a month i can never endure again.
i yelled over the phone, head pounding and voice tearing.
i dry heaved on the side of the road, hanging up.
i missed you.
i found you again, but it was always different.
and now
we grew up too fast

she slipped away
running from my form
as i locked my heart back in it's cage
throwing away the key

i’m sorry that i cant
and never could be enough.
i’m sorry that this hurts so bad
and i can’t even tell you.

life is short
life will pass you by, a pebble in a river
one you will never see again.
you thought he gave you purpose
because you crave his lips like you do air
and once he's gone
all you can have is a simple text that he might be okay.
when did it all go wrong?
because now your heart is in a cage
and the key you once hid is now thrown away,
never to be given again.

clock ticking over and over again
pick up pick up pick up pick up
pick up the phone
clock ticking comes to a stop

i’m afraid to write about him
in case he leaves me too.
as i sit here in bed with my curtains closed,
another day completely the same,
a never ending cycle of nothing,
he lays on the other end of the phone.
and i’m too afraid to hang up,
in case he leaves me too.

and yet in the span of an hour
my heart has started up again
longing for someone it once beat for

for you said it was your favorite sound
with your hand against my chest
as i sobbed in your arms.