I lied again and said some words were
the last I'll say about you
but I thought of one more pretense;
I ******* hate you, you know
You're just like my Mom
in the sense of saying things you'll never do
and saying you'll do things you've never done
Delusional and high strung
Determined but so done, with everything and
everyone.
I don't know why I still hold out
waiting for your words, I laugh they're so absurd
coming from the horse that can't fix its own hooves
Please don't say you miss me
or want to see me
or you'll be there
Because it's all lines to feed -- your ego
and my need for reassurance
just to put another hold on your obligations
a little bit longer
some sort of attending to your problems
that have built up so high they're bound to spill
any time now, very soon
because you're awful at staying connected
and getting back to people
and showing you care -- because deep down you don't
and even then you're more dead than alive and repeating lines
you stole from somewhere, someone you felt thrive
before you decided they weren't unique enough

Fall feelings are here...
orange outsides and green plants.
I've been here a while.

I relate to everyone I meet
even though I have not walked in their shoes
I dig deep and connect via raised brows
and sincere solemnity

If a tear is shed, I may shed one too
but after the moment has passed
My reaction time is set to delay
so intake is at the highest of caliber

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to convey
the fleeting feelings fired from fraying fibers
residing in mushy tissue

Understanding is not my issue
   Being definite is
I mold and shift, like a contortionist
and cease to untwist when coming undone

Been forgetting to
make a weekly haiku since
getting drunk a lot.

As the sun swelters,
I wear the sky with clouds
to keep me light and breezy.

Panning down hills,
coasting behind the scenes
of unfamiliar streets in
the backseat of navigation
 voice singing with elation
no nerves or trepidation
of immersion into new
Branching out on a blank canvas,
chasing the dream evading me
surroundings barking with
flying furs carried by winds drier
than my knees, with every
direction a different path
a secret passage to self-reflection
Ready to erupt, to spew the flow
of a different viewpoint--a change
in an ever-changing mind
I hope to find

I want to be over you
because it’s exhausting to keep putting in
giving in, L-I-V-I-N without your acknowledgement
Why do I need validation for the love I harbor?
I want a well-equipped sailor to stay in my tempestuous shores
but apparently I can’t see loyalty through my own turbulent seas
Consiciveness--speak with brevity, pull back the shades of transparency
I used to think you saw me
if that were so, you’d know how dispirited I’ve been
and that you’ve had a small part to play
by sending me mixed signals at some point some days
or maybe I’m insane, as are you
repeating the same actions expecting different results--
is not really the definition of insanity;
some author with a pen coined it, suggesting it were genius
but it’s because it makes sense to the mind of the unsound
when too much noise has filled sensitive ear drums
You’re a storm that’s blown over
destroyed my residency, moving on to the next
I’ve always been terrified of bad weather,
but thought obsessive rituals would quell the thunder
I wonder if it’s me--about the reasons you give
and everyone else I’ve met in this laugh of a life I live
I’ve been left to infer and draw and conclude
Perseveration is more likely the cause in our repeated flaws
but really, these are the last words I’ll write for you
and for myself about you
unless you show me I’m all you could ever want
which I know won’t happen so why daunt?

Cupid, infect me

***** me; saturate me with

Infatuation

With you, it’s all mechanics.
Engineered reactions, if they register at all.
The gears never stop turning until
you ask me what do I want, and the
only thing I can think to say is
”Not you" so I say I’m unsure.
I lie, automatically. I’ve been
programmed to hide how I feel, but you’re
the engineer trying to fix me, to
rewire my intangible feelings.
I like to play with you, and lay with you.
But I can not see myself staying with you.
I care for you, about you, but I will never
fall in love with you. Your scent fills my nostrils
when we are together, but doesn’t linger
after we part. I want you to stay in my life, but
there is no special den for you in my heart.
My heart is heavy with the absence of passion,
the weight of the guilt bogs down my senses.
I lay lifeless, cold.

Seeking harmony
in one's home is challenging,
though it shouldn't be.

I'm over trying to satisfy
your insatiable expectations
I'm sorry only because I've
wasted so much of myself
with lying and hallucinations
truth disguised with binding ties
of desperate adoration
now I can see that I was
nothing you could ever want
but you knew not how to tell
Intuition and observation
served me rather well
but doubt is a black lake
an ominous void that
invalidates what I need to
be told so I'm hanging on
to rowing oars and reeling
through frigid cold to be released
back into the unknown known

Lessening sadnesses
by appropriating real-time
  I wish for certainty
but don’t grant myself
that luxury–unworthy of
getting my way, fulfilling
my desires…all renters
no buyers, not in this market
Writing without cause
to satisfy my purpose
Giving your name
less power by replacing it
with Jump Ship, ‘cause
that’s what you do, when
the action gets too hot
you can no longer allot
your time…your priorities
change within a day
  I wish for consistency
but don’t grant myself
the serenity to accept
it won’t come from you.

The sweat hanging from your curls dives
for my nose,      
         scales my cheeks
like salt hugging the shore
Drown me in your liquefied voice, let me drink until
my breath is gone so nothing can compare
         to your splendor
Constrict me you python, swallow me whole
  Let me s
               l
                i
                 d
                   e down your belly
and provide you nutritional value
    I hope I release your oxytocin
I value our bond and your body,
         mind, spirit, soul
I value your existence as a whole
   I miss you when I hear your name
   or when I'm possessed by a beat,
the sheer force of your stare
         So sinister, I am compelled
   to move for you

Take me for granted--
You'll be sorry that you did;
No more excuses.

I don't want to write about you.
Orange and greens
   Filtered means
Diluted--dreams
                 reality
tangibly mixing me
  up inside
Resuming to prove to you--Me
I control my self-worth
I am not alone on this earth
   Only in temple
   What is simple
   and complex; I am
perplexed in this life
These nerves--the nerve
of them, vibrating exponentially
causing imbalanced beams
  to teeter and totter,
tearing apart the seems
that once held together
the molding of what
   I am to be

I think it’s hard for me to stay open
because I’ve been securely bound together
by a thick bind of resistant glue
I snap shut because I’m not used to
displaying all my content for eyes to peruse
I’m written on pages to send your soul on a walk
through caverns with deep trenches of fear
I want to be known through the words I select,
the ones I need you to hear
Read a little deeper, give me your attention
follow the sequential bouncing ball
I’ll whisper through these dry pages
what I feel before I ruin us—ruin me
from not professing to you at all.

It's surprising I
am no longer surprised
   I am not shocked
I am not fazed
  I've pictured and calculated
every possibility
of every outcome
spooling through the wheel
of the dual-coded reel
  It helps me to feel
like I'm in control
like I'm protected
like I can handle being rejected
   but it's ninety percent ineffective
It's dark in here
this film is wrecked
flashing the same scene
skipping and flickering
as if not meant to resume
  ultimately never to end
I can only pretend
between what I see and what is real
is where I'm meant to be
robotically ethereal

When like minds combine,
the world is easy to grasp;
Two worlds become one.

When it rains it pours,
and when your frame
plays through the reel
behind my glossy eyes
there’s bound to be a storm.

I grow weary of dreaming
I’m floating on highs
exhausting every last one
of these stifled sighs

You’re the breath
caught in my sore throat
scratching and suffocating
I’ll hold my breath so I may choke

You never listened when I spoke

I’ve had my poise dipped by another wick
and your flicking gaze singes my threading
and I burn slow, spiral hazing up your nostrils
to your system of compounds dictating your
responses and I wait in trepidation for the short
spark in your eyes to fizzle before it strikes me
as an attempt to reignite a dull fuse that’s been
watered down by the waves of passionate chemical
reactions spontaneously combusting for reasons
different from you or I and cannot explain nor deny
the fact my wick for you won’t light

Tomorrow always
brings news that dampens my mood,
save day for haiku

While the snake feeds, the
girl blinks and breathes, seemingly
transfixed by the death.

The pressure I put
on myself in regards to
growing is heavy.

One more year older
and I’m still learning how
to alleviate it.

Today I had ***
For the first time
and it wasn’t like I expected
I’m sure that’s everyone’s first thought
when we’re beaten with the idea of
grandeur before we can even comprehend the act
Pressure in a foreign place
rotating and grinding, balancing on a fleshy beam
The hard part was getting it in
I thought alcohol would help
but it only made sleep take me
Fresh, crusted eyes and the silence
with rain pattering on roof shingles
and the ceiling creaking with every step above
was all the noise in the background
and all I could think was we needed music
then I thought shouldn’t our breaths be the music?
and the squishing sounds of wetness being slapped?
When you’re older it’s easy to separate *** and love
When you’re older, you’re hardened and care less
In every aspect of your life
Yesterday, I thought it would never happen
But today, I had ***
and that’s all it was

My first Halloween
alone with my thoughts and no
candy to console

I seek to transmute
my essence into loving
yourself and others.

Here is a haiku

I have fabricated out

of thin air and words

In my sleep, we walked
along the dampened street
under the moon's influential glow
We stopped and stared, analyzing each
other's  features we used to know

I did not care where we went
I only wanted my time spent with you,
doing what we never had the chance to do

I could feel the warmth from your skin
even after my eyes had opened
The corners of my mouth were curved
When I realized it was only a dream,
I sighed only one word: Why?

My momentum flows
like a river downstream and
doesn't stop for dams.

There is a lizard
trapped in my bathtub; the climb
is too steep for him.

I’m so sorry for not doing what I should have done all those times
I wish I was a better daughter
I’ve been speaking my wishes to careless gods
Not one has come true
Maybe there really isn’t a god
But I can’t tell you that—then what would be your reason to continue?
I can’t lose you, not yet
I haven’t apologized for my ways
and expressed the ache in my heart
But it’s scary to be vulnerable
and I’m a coward
A self-hating coward
You would say I fear for I don’t believe
I would say you believe out of fear
Maybe I’ll confess to you at the end of this year
Or maybe I’ll keep it to myself again
and then something awful will happen and I’ll hate myself forever
It shouldn’t be this hard to tell someone what they mean to you
Why does it seem this will be the last thing I ever do?

Long ******* day
Short night
They say there aren’t enough hours in a day
I don’t think they are right
Darkness can shroud me in its
suffocating void for many
blue moons and I would still loathe the light
For the day brings headaches,
annoyances, a disgust for humans,
and the familiar, which I wish to leave behind
The light is a blaring reminder of the opportunities
I have not seized, the automatons that drive the streets,
and in the grand scheme of things, this life
I am too frail and meek
The night provides peace from
the overwhelming sun-inspired activities
that I don’t have the strength to sustain
I feed from the void, tasting the insane,
satisfying nothing but a harrowed
mind with empty thoughts
I am hungry for the night

My heart aches from your words
Don’t make assumptions of me
when you don’t know who I am,
only what I reflect of you
We’re moving too fast
Emotionally I’m unstable
Mentally unable to understand
why I feel such grief at the
idea of happiness within
my reach? Because on the
other side there is terror
of unknown waters, and I
will definitely sink instead
of swim because my legs are
tired of kicking back the demons
of uncertainty; drowning in
my own ocean of sobs,
all because I’m sensitive to
the pain of others, and I want
to hurt none or leave anyone
to ache as I do; so I hoard all
of me and what I give to you—
serenity dissolving to apologies
when I owe nobody but me.

I will pour myself
like coffee in your morning cup
and tickle your nose
with my greeting aroma
I will wisp my steam
through your nasal passages
stimulating your system
of sluggish nerves
I will listen to you,
  my favorite song,
keeping beat with my heart,
harmonizing with your hum,
lulling me to sweet oblivion
I will forgive you
as one forgives oneself
because we are human,
vulnerable and feckless
  lonely and restless;
I will lay beside you
all season until sunrise
when light peeks through shade
and fire burns in our eyes
I will fall deep down
the well in your iris
and find myself inside
  guiding us both
towards essential growth,
to intertangle like vines

This gold chest
I hold near my breast
Reeks of the memories encased inside
Many days of blowing smoke,
passing pipes and getting high
Carefree days of
    You and I
Fingers intertwined
And after many shots
and glasses of wine
we would unwind with a dime
and let our hands do the talking
   This gold chest, I open every day
It wasn’t mine to take
because you didn’t give it to me
But you don’t care anyway
I longed for your memory
So with me, it will stay

Celebrate your birth

regardless of year; thank the

Universe for Earth

Catching up on sleep
is a myth that nobody
can really achieve

Minutes equal hours,
days blend to weeks; the months
recycle quickly.

Sometimes I forget about those who are near
simply out of fear, for I become too engrossed
in feeling so morose and sorry for myself
I've figuratively put my companions on a shelf,
stored on tiny pedastals that remind me of their wealth,
but I can't seem to breathe in this suffocating mess,
nor can I call upon those who I view are the best
when I feel so small and so disconnected
with the rest of my blood I've rejected

I’m ready to SHOUT

and yell

and scream

and cry
when all of you, faceless sapiens
drag on by, blissfully unaware
of the plague slaughtering droves
in my mind;


I’m ready to confess

and disclose

and attest
to the reasons why I shy away,
cold and detached as a lizard’s tail
lifelessly existing for a purpose
left in the dark to find;

                                                          ­      I’m damaged
                                                         ­  and I’m scared
                                                          ­                         I’m alone
                                                     I’m damaged and
                                                             ­    scared of being alone
                                                           ­                 

                            but shouting your fears
                               to those who don’t listen
                                  only carries to their ears
                                       as a minute *whisper

New Home Depot store
Bearded man cuties galore
Eye candy is real