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 May 12 one of you
lizie
lie
 May 12 one of you
lizie
lie
“i’m not fragile”
i said
through trembling breaths.
“i know”
my mom replied
a little too quickly,
both words filled with pain,
almost like
she was trying to convince herself.
and we both were
pretending it was true.

all i ever do
is lie.
i am so tired of being yelled at
im tired of the screaming
im tired of the lying
im tired of the whining

i am in a black hole
and you take more and more
and you bend the sound
and you take my time
you have taken the one thing i cannot bring back
 May 12 one of you
lizie
i’ve become
the shape of water.
i mold to rooms
i don’t belong in,
fill cracks
in other people
just to keep from spilling.

no one sees
how close i am
to evaporation.
how heavy i feel
in a glass too full
of silence.

they think
i’m calm
because i don’t make noise,
but grief has no splash
when it sinks like this.

i’ve learned to drown
quietly.
 Apr 17 one of you
lizie
5am and i’m still awake
waiting for a sign
wondering if you even know
how to live with this pain.
You tried to touch me,
and I said no.
You still tried and I pushed you away
asking…. no, telling you to leave me alone.
But still, you grabbed me,
like an object that belonged to you.
And when I still said no,
you acted like that was your cue
to grab me again
and do what you do.
You were my best friend
and now I ******* hate you!
I still blame myself for what you did to me.
How is that fair?
It’s been 4 years and I think about it daily.
While you don’t even care.
You ruined high school for me.
I had to see you every day in band.
But I still blame myself,
for not putting you on the stand.
about my ****** assault in 9th grade
I got the school involved, they did nothing despite my concrete evidence
 Feb 28 one of you
LAICEY
5? 6? 7?
(can’t be certain when exactly)
14.
17.
18.

He told me that it was okay.

Some will flinch at the touch.
Some will go into a daze.
Some - I - will crave the touch of strangers, and many at that,
to replace those days.

He told me that I was special.

I became careless and reckless
with love on accommodation sheets.
While I mistaken their meticulously placed words
for love that I thought was finally peace.

He told me that it wouldn’t hurt.

It’s 2:52am and my timeline is flooded
with girls and trials and underwears passed around in court
as if it mattered for the verdict.
The bags around my eyes are flooded
with tears of anger and hatred
as if to beg for some kind of justice.

They told me that I should be flattered.

But the thing is we haven’t been okay since.
It did hurt but we still needed ******* evidence.
We were already special before they took away our innocence.
And now all we can do is get angry and hurt and wince
at the stories like ours that social media has evinced.
We hope to god our daughters will never have a jury to convince.
© LAICEY Poems December  2020
 Feb 28 one of you
cleo
i wish i had said no to you
i think about it all the time

i can’t let [ it ] go
i wish i could forget
( if i don’t think about it, it won’t hurt.. right? )

i swear i had said no to you
maybe you just didn’t wanna hear it

i can still feel your hands on me
i wish i had made you listen
( pretending something didn’t happen doesn’t make it so )

i took pills instead of chances
i thought i was healed
but this is only the beginning

there’s no failing
it’s a process
slow progress is still progress

forgive yourself
keep going
keep g r o w i n g

hurt as long as you need to
hurt as LOUD as you need to
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