Sometimes I just sit up in my bed
Because the pain hits me like a bullet
I can't be stuck in those sheets
In my head anymore
I'm shattered
it's 4:00am and I can't go back to sleep
I can't relax
Because everything is wrong
I am a circle and people are trying to shove me through a square hole.
I don't fit
I am living the wrong life
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
I'm sorry
I'm not a square.

I can't sit up.

the last rose
the shattered rose
ripped apart
petals scattered
he loves me
he loves me not
she has been trying
attempting
to put this back together
to reattach the petals
thread staples glue
the flower is a mess
because once a flower dies
it won't grow anymore
but this doesn't stop her from trying
she waters it with salt water
streaming from her eyes
its an impossible task
but she wont accept reality
he killed the relationship
he killed her

My Dad asked me a question today
"What do you think your calling in life is?"
"Death" was my first thought
I couldn't think of an appropriate answer
This has left me confused
Because death is not a calling
Death is a result that happens after you fulfill your calling
I don't understand my head
My head wants to die.
I don't think it's okay
But I don't have much of a choice
I need to find a new calling

She was the shallow waters close to shore
He was the deep ocean
They could never quite reach eachother.

I love the darkness
It feels comfortable
happy is fake
my smile is fading
mom, I am trying
I truly am.
but nothing is helping and I don't want to talk to you
I can't talk to you
cause if I told you how bad it is you wouldn't let me live
I would live with so many limitations
which is not living
lying is freedom
I ******* hate myself
I have ******* up
I wish I didn't ***** up my life
mom I don't like where I'm going to end up
so I just want to die
I'm sorry
but I cant live anywhere anymore

I'm sitting in my car
shaking
I hate myself
I hate myself
staring at the dark water
its hard to stay in the car
the water has a florescent vacant sign blinking
come stay here
the water is dark and reflective
haunting
It's getting bad again
I want to strap 30 lbs to my chest and jump
but we haven't  had a family picture
I haven't said goodbye
I'm obese
I cannot be remembered as fat
I am going to slice myself up
like a butcher chopping up meat
I can feel it
but I don't want my parents to know
They can't know
Cause if they knew I would be isolated
I would be controlled
and hell I don't want to be ******* controlled
I don't want to be this big
I don't want to ruin my life
so I will just stare at water
praying that one day I will run out of excuses
I will be brave enough to jump
with a weight that won't let me come up
hair floating
body limp
It's sad, but beautiful
I think I've officially lost it
the worst part is that I honestly don't care.

Gray sky
Gray ocean
Gray sand
There is something peaceful about gray
When everything is the same
The crashing waves over your head
Pulling you under.
Getting lost in nothing
Fading into the shadows
Leaving pieces of gray behind
Honestly I dream of oblivion
But dreams are never real.