Actually I crave criticism.
I thrive off of it.
Please tell me I am wrong or I am terrible.
Please tell me to **** myself.
Please tell me that I am a fat ***.
Please tell me that I ruin things.
Because then maybe
Just maybe
I wouldn't feel as insane.

dear friend
I dont know who you are
I dont know why I am sending this to you
but I need someone to know
I need someone to understand
that I'm broken glass
I just need to get rid of myself
throw myself away
you may never know who I am
and thats okay
I want to die
It has nothing to do with you
I just miss being a child
I miss finding joy in small things
I miss my puppy
I miss being okay
I think if I die I wont miss all these things so much
Im sorry im so self absorbed
I say "I" too much
"be a normal 18 year old, go have fun"
people keep leaving
I keep trying to be friends with people
Why do people hate me
normal is nonexistent
I hate myself.
I am getting bad again
the kind of bad where I dont eat for three days
the kind of bad where I stay up in the night to slice my paper skin
but also the kind of bad where I wake up and act like I am just peachy
I am not peachy
I am sliced in half
I am not whole anymore
I'm a fraction
I am worthless
I can't do this anymore
thanks friend for listening
you will probably throw this away
I wish you could throw me away too
sincerely,
me

I will never have the courage to die
I know its probably wrong to say it that way
but its true.
If I was brave
If I wasn't afraid
If I didn't care if I broke my parents hearts
I would not be here
and that is a sad fact
but its true.

my head scares me
yelling at myself in the car
I am so done
hitting the steering wheel over and over
I am losing it
salt water dripping down cheeks
food
food
food
makes
me hate
myself
it all comes
back to how
I am the problem
why feed the problem
starve the problem
its your choice
fat or thin?
I have so much to be grateful for
I dont know why I feel like this
I am fat
I'm just done

It's been a year since I was really bad
I was on the edge of falling
I cleaned up my act
I started taking meds
I ate more
I cried less
I slept
I became numb to everything
It felt like I was living in a dream
My brain was empty
I hated it
I got fat
I lost control
I started making excuses
So then I stopped taking the meds
It does crazy stuff to your head when you stop cold turkey
Suicide was all that was on my mind
But I decided that I would rather be honest with myself
and feel what I'm feeling
Instead of masking my mind everyday
My aunt avoided her mind
Stacked her body full of pills
She stopped eating
Now she weighs 85 lbs and her kids have to watch her
I don't want to be like that
I would rather be dead
This isn't really a poem
More of a rant
I just want to die
And I decided that
It's actually okay to feel like that.
I'm getting bad again.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

I think the problem is that I can't stop seeing the world in black and white