I always thought that when you left me you broke my heart. I felt it break the second you walked out of my life and it broke again every time I heard your name and it broke all over every time I heard our song and it broke again every time a guy wearing the same cologne as you walked by me. I felt it break every time I saw you at school and had to hold my head up high like I didn't miss and didn't know you.

But here I am... almost two years later. My heart doesn't break anymore when I hear your name, or when I hear our song, or when I get flashbacks or have dreams of you. Because yes, almost two years have passed by and I still dream of you. But it doesn't break my heart anymore.

And I know why now.

At first I thought it was because I was over it. I thought it was because I had finally moved on and healed from all the damage you did to me. But it's not even that...

I have tried to date other people and I have tried to start over with someone else. I've tried to open up to him and I've tried to be good to him. He's a good guy and he treats me right and cares about me, but I just can't give him my heart... and today I realized why that is.

It's not because I'm scared to give my heart away, but because I don't have a heart at all anymore. It's because when you left me you took my heart with you and now I'm stone cold. I don't feel anything anymore for anyone.

In a way, I thank you... Because I never want to hurt that way ever again... And without a heart I won't hurt at all...

I loved him when I was 14 more than I have ever loved another human being in my entire 16 years of life

I loved him so much I could have cared less what other people had to say about him

I loved him so much I believed in him when no one else did

I loved him so much that I was willing to invest time into him to fix him

I loved him so much that I was willing to risk everything to be with him

I loved him so much that even though I knew he was no good for me I still stayed with him

I loved him so much that I threw away friendships to be with him

I loved him so much that I moved mountains just to see him

I loved him so much I stuck by his side even when he made it impossible at times

I loved him so much that I couldn't imagine life without him

I loved him so much I can barely put it into words

I loved him so much that when I saw him in pain I also felt his pain

I loved him so much I would have died for him

I loved him so much I was willing to forgive him after all he put me through because I didn't want to lose him

I loved him so much he used my unconditional love as a tool to break my heart

I loved him so much that I chased him and didn't care how desperate I looked because I believed what we had was real

I loved him so much when we broke up it was physically difficult for me to breathe without him

I loved him so much that I still held on to some hope that he would one day change

I loved him so much that without him I felt like I was missing a part of me

I loved him so much that I even though I knew I would hurt myself loving him I didn't care

I loved him with every ounce of my body that when he finally left I lost a part of my soul

I loved him so much that I defended and made excuses for him when he laid hands on me

I loved him so much to the extreme I didn't even know it was even possible to love anyone as much as I loved him

I loved him so much that I forgot to love myself

I loved him so much more than life itself

I loved him so much that I wanted to die without him

I loved him so much that the thought of him with someone else made my stomach turn

I loved him so much that I tried to **** myself so I wouldn't have to live with the fact he didn't love me back

I loved him so much that if I had the choice to start over and chose between destroying myself loving him or to walk away, I would love him again in a heartbeat because he shaped me for better and for once

I loved him so much and because I loved him I never want to love anyone else ever again

I loved him so much that I can't risk falling in love ever again

My whole body was flooded with agony from head to toe as the tears poured from the corner of my eyes. You stood infront of me saying not a word with your head bowed down. I also kept silent but it wasn't because I didn't have any words, it was because I had so much to say but I knew it didn't mean anything anymore. Those unspoken words have never left my mind to this day...

But I knew it was pointless. I turned my back and took a few steps and as I was walking I realized I wasn't just walking away from my best friend, my lover and my entire world. But I was walking away from everything I had put into you.

All the work and effort I had put into you. I had tried to fix you, but I couldn't. You were unfixable. Never in my life had I ever failed at anything before. I mean, I had failed a test before and had failed at games and other things of such. But I never quit, because it's in my nature to strive for success. You are the only thing in my life I have ever failed at. But I couldn't turn back. I kept walking away from you. I was so broken and ruined and overall just drained. I was mentally exhausted. I had tried so hard, more than you deserved and more than any other girl would have put up with, but I did all of it because I loved you.

Then I stopped walking away. I stood still, wiping away remains of smeared mascara from my cheeks with the cuff of my hoodie. I had to stop sticking up for you like I always did. I didn't fail you, no, you failed me. You let me down. You didn't give me support and unconditional love and acceptance the way I did for you. You changed me and brought out the worst and darkest side of me. I lifted you up and you pushed me down. You failed me.

But it was okay, it really was. Because like I said, I'm not a quiter, I'm a succeeder. I find solutions and different paths to achieve success. And I knew then that I was stronger then I realized. I was going to get through this. I didn't lose, fail or quit. In the end I won, because I lost someone who didn't love me but you lost someone who truly loved and adored you more than anyone or anything in the whole world. You lost the girl who would have done anything and everything for you just to see you smile at her own expense. And I wanted you to know that you may have wrecked me but I was going to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself up again, stronger than ever. So when you see me later on in life, you will see me succeeding and you will have failed without me, the only person who pushed you to strive for success. I wanted to promise you that you were going to regret ******* up with me.

So I turned around and walked back to you as you opened your arms to embrace me. I shoved away the arms that once made me feel at home. I looked you in the very eyes I used to get lost in and I then said what I needed you to know.

"I am the best thing that has ever happened to you. When everyone had given up on you I believed in you. I didn't give up on you. Why? Because you don't give up on people you love. And I loved you. I loved you more than anything. It wasn't easy to always stick by you. I lost and destroyed myself by falling in love with you. But I did it all because I loved you. You're going to look back and remember me and everything I did for you. And then once you realize that I was so good, you're going to regret it for the rest of your life once everyone has given up on you and you're going to wish I was by your side again. You're going to remember me and remember that I was the girl who you broke. "

And then I walked away and never again looked back.

Walking away from the guy I was in love with was probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my seventeen years of life, but I knew it had to be done.

He was ruining me. Over time I slowly began to lose myself, and the longer I stayed with him, the more pieces of myself I lost in the mist of chaos. I was too blind at the time to see that being with him meant extreme sacrifice. It meant being lead me astray from the path I was on to a very different change of course, a course that was not going to lead me to the person I was meant to become. It meant saying goodbye the future I had planned all my life and worked for since I was a little girl. As doors started closing on me I began to see the future I envisioned for myself crumble before my eyes. I realized he was going down a much different path than what I was originally on, and he was dragging me along for the ride.

He was altering the way I saw myself. "What have I become?" I constantly asked myself. I lost all self-understanding and the more I loved him the less I loved myself. I always put him before myself, showing him that I came last. Being committed and doing my best to be the best girlfriend I could be apparently wasn't enough because he still went looking elsewhere. Cheating on me left and right, sleeping around with random girls, and settling for being the one he came back to when he was done ******* around.

He was draining my soul


Now I stand here. Looking in the mirror. I've died on the inside but I am alive. Recovering will take time and it won't be an easy road ahead, but by leaving I gave myself a head start to healing and moving on. I am strong. I'm so proud of myself for leaving him to be honest. I never thought I would and I'm sure he never thought I would either. But I had to. I ******* had to do it for myself.

But your memory still haunts me everyday

Relationships are about giving and I can honestly say I gave you everything I had. I gave you my heart and every ounce of love I had in me. I gave you unconditional love and support and I even gave you multiple chances. Everything I did for you came from my heart because I loved you and I would've done anything to show you. All I wanted in return was to recieve the love I gave.

I wanted you. I wanted all of you. But you gave nothing.

The best memory I have of us is from April of 2014. We had just celebrated our 6 month anniversary a few days before and my birthday was less than a week away. I was extremely happy we had been together so long and so excited to be spending my birthday with you. Everything was perfect, and we were so happy. Our hands were locked within eachothers as we walked to our usual spot after school where we then waited for my mom to pick us up. You threw your backpack against the wall as I gently placed mine next to yours. I was so focused on my phone and was scrolling through my Facebook feed. That's when you came up from behind me and wrapped your arms around my waist. You began to attack my cheeks with your kisses. While I was laughing you leaned in for a kiss. My heart melted like butter inside. I put my phone away and put my arms around your neck as I looked into your eyes. Then we layed down and you held me in your arms. You were so slsepy and even though your eyes were closed and you couldn't see me, I couldn't close my eyes because they were set on you. I was studying every feature on your face. Your chin dimple that you hated, I had found so adorable. Your rosy lips I looked forward to kissing every single day. Your messy hair that I loved to run my fingers through. Your soft skin that you always loved to moisturize with lotion. You were this beautiful creation of God that I was blessed to call mine. I couldn't spot a single flaw and every detail of your face I remember so ******* well. It was that moment that I realized how much you meant to me. You were my whole world. In your arms, the way we were, it felt so right. That was how I wanted to sleep every single night with you in our future once we got married. I was so convinced back then, at age 14, that we were going to get married and start a family. Afterall, you were all I needed. Then suddenly you opened your eyes and saw me smiling at you. You began laughing. You said, "what are you looking at?" Holding back my tears of happiness I replied, "my other half. The person I want to spend the rest of my life with." Then we both looked into each others eyes and I gently placed my hand on your cheek as I continued to admire your face. Looking at you that very moment I felt so many different things, all at once. I felt complete in every single way, my heart was beyond satisfied whenever I was with you. Looking at you at that very moment I realized how much I was willing to sacrifice so I could just be with you. While I was still in the middle of my thoughts, you kissed me. "I love you so ******* much baby girl and I'm never letting go," you said to me. You pulled my body close to yours and began to cuddle me. "Babe...", I said. "Yes princess?" It took me a while to think of how I wanted to say what I was thinking, so then I just came out and said what was on my mind. "Do you promise me you'll never leave me?" You looked at me with that beautiful face of yours and said, "I couldn't ever leave you, even if I wanted to. You're everything I've always wanted and I love you more than you'll ever know."


And that was the most beautiful lie you ever said to me.

There's only so much damage a person can take and after all the damage and abuse mine has been through, I swore falling in love, again, just wasn't in the cards for me. I went through so much at the young age of 14 and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions. I was only 14, you know? How do you come to the acceptance that the only boy you've ever loved used the fact you loved him unconditionally as a tool against you to break your heart? It was too much for me. So for 3 years I stayed away from the idea of "love" all together. I promised and swore to myself that after all the trauma I went through that no one could love me, not even my family, and that "never again will I let someone in." And for 3 years, I kept that promise. We broke up May 2014 and I never wanted to fall in love after that May... But then May 2016 came...

At the end of my junior year I met this guy, and from the moment I met him everything just about him drew me in. He was so handsome and he was so unbelievably sweet to me. He made me feel appreciated and made my heart feel alive. When I kissed him the first time I fell in love and when he put his hands on me it was to hold me not to hurt me. But I was still scared, because I didn't want to get hurt again.

Because for 3 years I stayed away from love but I didn't stay away from boys. I talked to boys, hung out with boys, but when I found myself catching feelings I ran away. I just couldn't do it...

I never intended to fall in love again, it just kinda happened. He's a dream come true and he is such a blessing in my life. I love him, I really do. And I never want to lose him... I can't...

You said you wanted me and that you loved me, yet you did nothing to prove those words were true. I always told you, "actions speak louder than words."

Now I ask myself why I settled for so long. Why I settled for minimum effort and lousy excuses. I knew the truth all along but I tried to ignore it and convince myself it wasn't true. Because the truth is that you were incapable of giving me all of you.

But maybe that's okay, because now I see how I wasn't deserving of you. I was deserving of so much more than what you were and what you had to offer, while you were not deserving of me. You were never deserving of what I am and everything I have to offer. Deep down we both always knew this.

Tired of being lied to
Tired of being unappreciated
Tired of being cheated on
Tired of being neglected
Tired of being taken for granted
Tired of being the only one trying
Tired of wasting my time
Tired of loving someone who's incapable of loving me
Tired of going in circles
Tired of the drama
Tired of being second choice
Tired of being at your convenience
Tired of the *******
Tired of you

I don't think I'll ever be able to comprehend how our break up didn't destroy you the way it destroy me

When I was 5 I believed love was what my parents shared. Being in love was fighting but never leaving one another. I believed love was real. Love was when a prince rescued a princess. I couldn't wait until I got old enough to have a nice boy fall in love with me and we get married and be together forever and live our happily ever after.

When I was 11 I believed love was risky. I saw my friends cry over boys in the bathroom in middle school. I could never relate because no boys liked me and I didn't have a boyfriend. I believed love was real and that perhaps someday in high school I would meet a boy and fall in love and get married and live a happy life.

When I was 14 I believed love was him. I believed love was real and I believed love was waking up every morning for school excited to see him and going to bed every night feeling content. I believed love was the friendship and attachment we had. Going everywhere together and doing everything together. I thought TRUE love was also being best friends and having the bond we had. I believed I had finally found the boy I waited my whole life for and I swore to myself I was going to marry him someday and nothing was going to stop me.

When I was about to turn 15 I believed love was a rollercoaster. I believed there were ups and downs, good times and bad times. I believed there was no such thing as an easy relationship but I was certain that ours was going to make it. I believed our love was real. I believed without him I was nothing and he was the other half of my heart. I believed we had become one person. I believed if I lost him I would lose everything and I believed neither of us would ever be able to move on. Without him there was no me. I believed it was worth it and I believed he truly loved me. And although I saw it coming to it's end, I just couldn't walk away in time before it all blew up.

When I had barely turned 15 I believed love was suicide. I believed love was the most painful yet beautiful thing in the universe. I believed he loved me, yet he left me like he didn't... without a second thought. I believed without him I was nothing and my life no longer had any meaning. When I tried to think about my life a year from then I couldn't vision anything in my head. I couldn't see myself living 6 months into the future unless it was with him. I believed there was something wrong with me and I was a disaster that no one could fix. I promised myself to never fall in love again.. I still believed love was real though...

Now that I'm 16 I believe love is dangerous. I believe that it just isn't meant for me and that I'm not the kind of girl a boy can love. I believe that I can be replaced easily as well as forgotten. I believe that falling in love is like walking a path of self destruction. Love is a risk I'm no longer willing to take. I stopped believing love was for me when he left me and now that my parents are divorcing I stopped believing in love all together. It's insane how long you can be with someone for one day just have them leave you empty handed. It's really sad too honestly. I try to stay away from it. I actually have tried to have a boyfriend since him but I can't do it anymore. It feels weird and I feel like it's a waste of time anyways. I know it will end in disaster either way so why waste months and years with someone who will just leave you one day.

Love just doesn't exsist to me anymore, it's not real.

I promised myself I would never fall in love again but I did.
And it was scary at first but I think it's beautiful how someone with such a damaged heart can open up and love again.