I get so infuriated I attack my face until it's raw with a wash cloth.
Pick at my hair until its perfect.
Pick at the scabs that cover my head because I'm anxious.
But first off let me tell you that anger is a secondary emotion.

So I guess im miserable.

I rub at my face until there is noting left to see,
I pull out my hair because I can't stand the way it stands.
But first off let me tell you I never used to feel this way, I might of changed after that second, second.
I get so engaged I forget about everything. Its quite beautiful actually.
But someone calls off the marriage, then I get put back into reality so carefully just like a doll in a doll house.
But first off let me tell you something, they told me that what I feel comes in second.

Claw machines,

the educational system,

and religion.

Are all rigged.
But sometimes,
Sometimes you can win.

I've seen people do it.

Stuffed rabbits,
Beat the system,
And are even comfortable with their own sins.

When I look at you,
I see the frustration in your liver,
I notice the lack of fight in your lungs and I see stutter of your heart.
You don't deserve to die, so stop trying to. You don't see it but I stare right through you.
Unload your weapons
before your lungs stop swinging.

Being stupidly tired but being scared stupid to fall asleep.
Its so much more than falling.
Its tripping on the drugs that my sobriety has taken away from me.
Watching too many scary movies that give me the edge I think I need.

When I know the edge of the bed is more than enough for me.
My mattress is lost at sea and I'm the dammed captain.

Just let me ******* sleep.

When I went mental my mom called for reinforcement, her brother.
I called uncle but it didn't stop him.

I understand he wanted to help,
I understand he felt connected because both of our father's abandoned ship.

Just because you have four golden children doesn't mean you get to pick me to be your black sheep.
I won't let you fix me.
I'm not on board to sail the 7 seas with you and your perfect family.
You see, I am a ship wreck.

I'm good at not asking for help,

And my mattress is starting to sink.

Rotting from the inside out,
that
animal
is
still
breathing.
Feel every fiber panicking, the bloodstream over flowing, and it's meat roasting in the sun.

Vultures will take advantage of you.

Fibers panicking , bloodstream exploding, catastrophic size thoughts turn to plans.  
She knows she's rotting from the inside out.
I know I'm rotting.

I'm going to take off the addicting jeans my mom gave me and change into something more comfortable, like reality.

I'm getting desperate cuz I'm getting distant.
The royal coachmen is the trailer park I used to live in.
Pinecones, stray cats and the candy man.
In the kitchen I dug a hole for a mouse to live in.  
For God's sake momma, could you puke a little quieter, don't let dad know you're sick cuz this house isn't a home when you're gone.
Cold mornings ****** doo blankets and hospital beds.
Dad tells me mom is sick again.
The hospital is no place to live in.
God ****** dad step up, make this a place to live in.

At 5 years old, my momma asks her momma to move in.

I'm getting distant cuz I'm getting desperate.
A little town named Charleston.

When you walk up the side walk and you see the willow, just know it's weeping because it's heard everything.  

Just to let you know there's a piece of glass in the side walk, not diamond.
I know that cuz I bent too many butter knives trying to make a fortune.

Yellow walls, barn cats and god.

It took me 12 years to find somewhere to believe in.

When the dam breaks I will die on impact, while going 60 on the highway your breaks went out, and the cancer came back.

They don't know it but they're under inspection.
I'm watching while they fumble around each other trying to figure out how to figure,
it's ok because I already know.
I don't have a clue on how to figure out what they are fumbling over.
But I've figured out why they trip around each other snapping if they can't figure it out.
My opinion isn't valid and I'm not going to speak up because they haven't noticed I'm here watching.
I'll never teach what i've learned, they already know the answers to the wrong questions.
They would still fumble over the question and snap at each other trying to figure out what I've already figured.
I'm sitting here watching them trying to figure it out.

Today in church my mother sat next to grandma.
Singing hymns and discussing life after death.

Grandma has been dead for 10 years.

To lose what I've gained would be such a wonderful thing.

I've got your back I know you have mine
You were the one that held me when my dog died.
You were there when my father forgot to call
You were the voice in my ear saying he just forgot.
Remember when panic attacked me at school?
I ran to the bathroom choking on nothing and I saw your face in the reflection.
You found my composure and removed the dirt that was under my eyes.
Thanks man you're such a blessing.
But I've got to tell you something, I've been looking in the mirror saying all of these things to me myself and I.

An octopus has three hearts but I still love you more than it ever could.
Dragonflys see everything but I’ve seen more plus some. I’ve been in your head.
Did you know elephants have 45 liters of blood? I bet it wouldn’t give up a drop for you but I’d give you all mine.
It’d be unforgettable and I know that because elephants don’t forget.
I don’t know If you knew but when wolves get separated from there pack they cry.
They submit themselves to the sky and beg for an answer.
They will
cry and
cry and
cry until their breath is gone, laying limp weezing.
Baring teeth to scare off the darkness as they fade into the light.
Did you know that I love you more then a octopus ever could, I’ve seen more of you then a dragon fly ever would, I honestly don’t think elephants remember everything and that you are my pack.