Early bird
and barely held
emerging blur

stir coffee lines in irises
of ibis billed regret
divide me


Unexpected
great white egrets
underlit and unicorn
on secret morning movements

A prudency of ivy hides
the singer - not the song

a backing track of blackcap
warming, calling down
the early sun, as if
to walk beside me

Like a bird with broken wings,
I look on with eyes full of envy
as all those around me take flight.
Held down by my own chains,
Left alone, aside from the emptiness;
The hollow realization
That something is missing,
But never knowing the slightest sense
Of what that something is.

You do not attract what you want, you attract what you are / so if you want your epic love, you must be an epic lover / if you want abundance, you must be abundant / in other words, Universe does not respond to your want / it responds to your I am it responds to your energy / and the times I’d thought I found love, what I’d really found was whatever feeling I was operating from / and anger, desperation, fear, lack——none make very satisfying bedmates let me tell you / and none equal love

So be love / be love, and let the world love you back / do not think your empty prayers your daily affirmations will fool God / God’s language is not words

Isn't it a funny feeling; guilt
And the things we feel it for

I'm not sure which is harder; being unloved
Or being taught love is what it isn't

But both leave you robbed

And angry.

"
It took me two decades to understand,
You never knew how;
Yours came with strings of compliance attached

And obligatory love is a **** poor excuse for it.

"
I left, I left
And still the guilt came;

That unwanted visitor who refuses to leave.

"If there is only one thing to do well in this life,

It is to love well;

For if there is anything you are to be judged by

It is the plainness, of your loving."

||

i'm sorry.

from my blankets, to my sheets
to my own skin
i've left this stain of pure neglect
rotted shades of green and gray that run so deep
and now it seems

the place you occupied
my love
has succumbed to the same terminal conditions

the place where i held you
i can no longer visit.

from my life
as a sad dysphoric mess, to my wasted death
buried beneath
my own regret

could i have predicted this
could i have prevented
like an oncoming wreck
but i've not found the strength
to move an inch
from the pedal of my disease
accelerate this humiliating process
sever my neck

to end,
or perhaps
encapsulate
this worthlessness.

“They tell me to fear the homeless in LA but I do not. They say women alone at night should not be out, but I have my dogs, and we frequent empty parks after dark, side-by-side with encampments, and we watch (my dogs and I) the homeless cart their belongs by. Well, my dog barks.

They hand me giant jugs over chin-high fences, to ask if I would fill them; their freshest water exists from a dog park spout. Last week I saw a man struggling to press a cardboard slat into the grate of an open sewage pipe, his secret resting place. About a month before, a man with all his worldly belongings strewn along the plastic floor of a porta-***** so smeared in ****t, you’d not dare touch a square inch. Rain was pouring, and he needed to sleep with a roof.

And I think, I am not so different from them. Me, with my white skin and pretty smile; people treat you nicer when you’re pretty. When you can put a face on and say straight-sounding things, and not speak of months spent living in your car, sleeping on street-sides, praying for no cops. Or of deep pain——no, do not speak of that. Too much pain makes people afraid, makes people want to look away. How no one noticed the man hiding his face in the sewage drain, the man sleeping in the ****t-smeared porta-toilet,   because   every   person   noticed,   and   just   decided   not   to   look.

and I think about      how many false narratives are propagated by fear——“

alcohol in excess
and a daily overdose of pills
it's easier
than when choking on your tongue becomes a reminder
of the ghost who shook you out of it at night
so you laced those bitter remedies together
to go follow her spectre
while slurring all the words from all your favorite songs
brazen as ever

would it be too late to ask if i joined you
would it be too much to beg
put on my favorite record  
cut the failure out of my veins