i saw god today

i walked into his space, cold and sterile infirmary
he said organize these lifeless bodies, but do look away
do not dare look at their faces
i did just as he pleased, as my resolution waned with every passing minute, every corpse that i carried
heavier than the last, as the will in me kept fading
and as it faded, i caught a glance of one that did
look a lot like me
a dread then burned my nervous system,
i struggled to breathe

i asked him why
still he insisted
i was mistaken

and so i resumed,
the dread had nested in my gut,
my limbs had become weak
while i dragged the bodies through this cold infirmary

then i went home
the warmth of early sunlight shone upon blankets in its gaze
the quiet that had permeated gentle sleep on so many other days
granted no solace, no support
just violently reframed the nightmare i could see now i inhabited
i sat and cried, there was no warmth that could take away this pain

i saw god today
and now
i can't sleep

Early bird
and barely held
emerging blur

stir coffee lines in irises
of ibis billed regret
divide me


Unexpected
great white egrets
underlit and unicorn
on secret morning movements

A prudency of ivy hides
the singer - not the song

a backing track of blackcap
warming, calling down
the early sun, as if
to walk beside me

Like a bird with broken wings,
I look on with eyes full of envy
as all those around me take flight.
Held down by my own chains,
Left alone, aside from the emptiness;
The hollow realization
That something is missing,
But never knowing the slightest sense
Of what that something is.

You do not attract what you want, you attract what you are / so if you want your epic love, you must be an epic lover / if you want abundance, you must be abundant / in other words, Universe does not respond to your want / it responds to your I am it responds to your energy / and the times I’d thought I found love, what I’d really found was whatever feeling I was operating from / and anger, desperation, fear, lack——none make very satisfying bedmates let me tell you / and none equal love

So be love / be love, and let the world love you back / do not think your empty prayers your daily affirmations will fool God / God’s language is not words

Isn't it a funny feeling; guilt
And the things we feel it for

I'm not sure which is harder; being unloved
Or being taught love is what it isn't

But both leave you robbed

And angry.

"
It took me two decades to understand,
You never knew how;
Yours came with strings of compliance attached

And obligatory love is a **** poor excuse for it.

"
I left, I left
And still the guilt came;

That unwanted visitor who refuses to leave.

"If there is only one thing to do well in this life,

It is to love well;

For if there is anything you are to be judged by

It is the plainness, of your loving."

||

i'm sorry.

from my blankets, to my sheets
to my own skin
i've left this stain of pure neglect
rotted shades of green and gray that run so deep
and now it seems

the place you occupied
my love
has succumbed to the same terminal conditions

the place where i held you
i can no longer visit.

from my life
as a sad dysphoric mess, to my wasted death
buried beneath
my own regret

could i have predicted this
could i have prevented
like an oncoming wreck
but i've not found the strength
to move an inch
from the pedal of my disease
accelerate this humiliating process
sever my neck

to end,
or perhaps
encapsulate
this worthlessness.