he keeps pushing me.
telling me
to take a chance.
have an interview
with his ops,
who would love me,
by the way.

and since i’m leaving,
why not now,
especially,
that him and the company
are definitely my thing.

it’s my decision, he said.

i hate that he’s right.
i hate it so much.
and i hate him
for asking me
what’s the hold-up.

what a joke.

the hold-up.

it’s you.
i’m wasting my energy
thinking about this.

it’s you, holding me back.
it’s the thought of us
being at the same place,
in the same room
for longer
than ten seconds,
holding me back.

it’s my heart,
my mind at last,
every living cell
in my body
holding me back,
fighting fantasies,
thoughts
that carelessly run
through my head
as i play out what happens.
it’s my instinct of fear
holding me back.

i don’t want
near your fire again.
hand myself over
on a silver platter,
and say,
‘do whatever you can.
my very core is
in your hands’.

you should know better
than ask
what’s holding me back.
i’m fighting my feelings
with everything i have.

go, and get yourself burned
like i did,
when you have the chance.

Душно в июльском лесу.
Сосны — как свечки — стоят.
Солнце не бродит внизу,
Мхи под ногами шуршат.

Душно — и нет ветерка.
Птицы молчат, их не слышно.
Жёлтые иголки лежат,
Листья пожухлые — видно.

Жарко — полуденный зной
Выси развесил хмельные...
В мареве воздух дрожит,
Ели текут — смоляные.

Запах травы и смолы,
Нет у грибов аромата.
Всё полегло от жары...
Это природе не надо!

Просит дождей и грозы,
Просит прохлады июль!
Ягоды волчьи красны,
Луч до земли проскользнул.

Душно в июльском лесу!
Полдень жарой награждает.
Душно... Домой доползу?
Дождика сердце желает.

with the eight we spin
(some will also use thumbs)
like spiders spin webs
a keyboard to other galaxies
some light some dark
but all spinning.

he always asked for permission.
not like a formality —
not the way someone asks
after they’ve already decided.
but like he meant it.
like my no
wouldn’t make him flinch.

and every time,
i said yes.
and felt his hands
move like they’d just been
gifted a map —
not to conquer,
but to understand.

even when his fingers slipped
under the hem of my shirt,
found the small of my back —
he paused.
and gave me a chance
to say no. it’s enough.

even when his hand
brushed against my bra strap,
barely there —
he whispered sorry,
as if the air between us
deserved an apology.

i didn’t ask,
if i could touch you
further up.

and that —
that’s what i remember.

not the way he kissed me.
not the taste of that night.
but the way his respect
intoxicated my mind.

looking back,
i think that was the moment
he opened me up,
let my feelings spill,
whilst keeping his own still.
and god.
i loved him for that.

pregnant with blue
learning flotation

soon to swim
the waterfall

I want to break free
From these ***** chains.
My mind’s been caged for a while—
Silently, I suffer.

Unlimited freedom
Led me to the trenches of addiction.
I just want to feel alive again,
To quit this, forever,
And reclaim my mental peace.

Anxiety, do you think you love me?
Oh mind, do you want to be my friend?

A lonely stone in the full quarry
No chance that it will begin to swim

Shadow girl, with your many faces
With every ash you take to sin

Big voiced tropes steady unfolded
A fear to never tell again