One day she said to me
Mommy, I want to be like you.
But what she doesn't know, because she's too young to understand is that I don't even want to be me. I don't even know who I am.

I hide in my room to escape the judgements
I can hear their thoughts through their eyes. They try to solve my problems without even knowing them. They don't know how alone I feel and how torn I am between wanting to be a mother of two or a sad woman. I cannot be both. I push everyone away and immediately want them back. I'm always just hoping they will stay no matter how hard I push.

I wish I could erase all of those terrible memories from my children's heads. They don't talk about it. They just move on and I stay in regret. This puddle of regret that I love to bathe in.

Lost.
His golden brown eyes drew me in like a distant light I wanted so badly to touch.

His lips, so mysterious and with the slightest smile, made me smile back and feel like I needed to hide my blushing cheeks.

His hands, as they moved, where they wanted made my head spin in circles and all I could do was close my eyes.

All of these would soon fade away and all I could feel when it was all said and done was pain. Hurt that it couldn't last forever and that I wasn't enough for you. Used because you eventually wanted that with someone other than me. Broken because our daughter was created with so much love and you turned out to be so evil. Pain because that was the only emotion left.

You were the realist thing I ever felt.*

And after all the tears and pain I am so glad that you're gone and I don't feel a thing.

Except... Now I can't feel anything

He looked at me
But did not see me
He could not feel me
He only saw what he wanted to see.

An object, a female
As if blood did not run through my veins
As if I can not feel hurt or shame
Almost not worthy to have my own name.

And one day he said to me
*Do not be fearful when I leave
Do not hide, and do not weep
We shall meet every night- in your dreams.

How interesting now that I realize
The truth behind my deepest despise

Of this girl, this young girl
Who invaded my home
And shattered my dreams
All those years ago

Oh the anger and the rage
When their secret was discovered
The father of my unborn baby
Had taken her as his lover.

All of the tears that I cried
Never did me any good
And even though he begged for forgiveness
And we swept it underfoot

I still thought of her often
And all these years later
She still arrives in the picture
And gives me so much anger

But the more I stop to think
The more that I see
This poor girl that I hate
Is so much like me..

I was once in her place
And I can read her pain
All of the loneliness that she feels
I can see on her face

As she tries to hide her real feelings
With a beautiful smile
She doesn't really mean harm
She just hadn't felt love in a while..

I forgive this poor girl
Even though she did not ask
Because one day I know how hard it will be
For her to face to girl under the mask.

How sad for you,
That you were not the chosen girl
And yet when he calls for you
You're right there.

How lonely for you,
That for years you were forgotten
Until one day he remembers you
And you're right there.

How pathetic you are,
That you have your own man
But for some reason when this one pays you attention
You're right there.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
You're always waiting for him.