i got a second hand film camera
a pentax k-1000
already it was slightly rusted
and stained in some parts
but i didn't mind
it made me think about its story
and the stories of the ones who've owned it before—
where has this camera gone?
what has it seen?
did the previous photographers behind it
love it as much as i do now?
whose very hands have twisted the lens,
fixed the camera's focus,
and pressed the shutter button?
who else has meticulously loaded and unloaded film into it,
time and time again?

and more importantly,
will i be able to capture wonders of life
through its lenses
in the same way others might have done before me?

do not tell me to stop feeling
when it is what makes up my entire being
do not tell me to stop loving
when it is the only form of my healing

i've always had a hard time loving myself
i guess it started with the way adults used to tease me about my chubbiness
and how sensitive i was as a child

after all, i've always had traits i never liked
chubby arms and thighs, a button nose
a mole on my right cheek, a sensitive heart
a wishy washy soul
i can't even draw

then one day,
i thought about how my skin healed after i burnt it really bad from hot water
and how my body kept me warm in the Tokyo breeze late at night in the spring weather
and how i've used these very hands writing this to wipe all my tears

and how my heart, in all its fragility
still fights on and loves
despite all the pains i've felt

and so i realized:
*if this very body of mine can love my soul
and fight to keep me alive and alright,
then it is only right that i love it and accept it

you are so young,
caught in a world
of stage lights and school deadlines
of rushing and huge crowds

but look at you:
you are a fighter,
you move with such passion and grace,
you laugh without a care,
and you are light
to the people around you,
you are so important, so special
and you were made to be as bright
as the fire dancing in your heart.

so continue taking on the world with no fear—
you are appreciated,
you are loved,
my bright little star.

a little girl once wanted and thought she could keep the entire world. every night she cried at the sight of the stars, her heart burst whenever the flowers would bloom, she'd dance in the rain whenever it would so much as drizzle.

one night, when her little heart began to overflow with so much yearning, she walked to a cliff by the sea with a jar in hand. she opened the jar, holding it up to the sky and watched the delicate universe make its way inside it all so gently. immediately, she capped the jar and was amazed that she held the world in her hands. for many days she took it around with her, leaping through rivers on stepping stones and walking through sea shores in the light of day.

one day, suddenly, the bottle fell from her hands and her heart stopped. she could not believed she had dropped it. she picked up the jar, and suddenly it seemed as if the universe was wounded. she could not believe she did such a thing.

on the night of that unfortunate day, she made her way to a mountaintop with a heavy heart and her vision murky from tears. just as she was high enough to touch the clouds, she carefully chose a spot and stood firmly, still sniffling a little bit.

"i did not take care of you when you trusted me. i do not deserve you, universe." she said, her voice shakey as she uncapped the jar. "i am sorry."

in the same manner she caught the universe, she held her open jar towards the heavens and watched the universe pour out the bottle in wisps—the stars and planets and all of space and time dispersed before her eyes and again, she began to cry. she wondered how she was even able to keep such a beautiful thing and how she had failed it.

days passed and the girl was lonely again. as she strolled past plants and vines, they would wilt in sadness. the sun would shine so palely in the morning that even the moon could not console it. she was so sad that even nature joined her in silence.

on one morning, she woke up feeling a different beating in her heart. she stood up from her flower bed to look at her reflection, and to her surprise she found something shining just right under her left shoulder.

there, she found the universe had come back to her—not in the same jar it used to be in, but in her heart.

"do not ever think you do not deserve the world just because of your shortcomings," she heard the universe whisper, her hand in her chest. "i have found my way to your heart and here i will stay."

and that is how the girl began to carry the universe she had so loved in her heart, forever.

it's scary
to think that the possibility of meeting you
wasn't as slim as i thought it would be
that i'd look into your eyes
and feel that tickle in my stomach
i'd be red all over
because i finally have the chance
to say all the words
i still have yet to piece together
and i'd finally be able to
hold onto the moment that i
never thought would ever happen

We flew in summer,
He showed me spring.
I held him in winter,
We were each other's fall.
He was my muse,
I was his passion.
We are my ikigai.