all along these years wondered i
why did all those people and poets die
writing about something that seizes to exist
a feeling so unnatural that makes humans twist
from the inside out, filling each one with doubts
-what is love? why do we fall in love?
neither the mystery of the cosmos nor the heaven above
has made us as curious as this emotion as such
everyone has been infected with a simple touch
oh lord, do we even need it so much?
all this does is make us weak
rob us of our ability to sleep and speak
grown men cry and beautiful women are brought to their knees
is it even worth all the fiasco, can anyone tell me pretty please?
caring about someone to a point of self-destruction
or smiling through unrequited feeling for someone else's satisfaction
how is all this fair, think to myself i
to be with him, is it ohkay to even lie?
maybe the world would be a better place without men and women wanting to explore
this feeling of damnation that shakes them to their very core
how do you unlove somebody? how do you get a grip of your own heart?
that knows no logic when it comes to that person upon seeing whom it kick starts
but it's a ***** that makes you a fool
i wish i was taught about it more at school
maybe then i would have saved myself of this confusion and madness
because real love is served with an illusion of joy with lots of sadness

when i imagined experienced guys
it always meant in the physical way
sharing body was ohkay, i don't know why
but emotional connection, i can't say
i could take it if he'd put the same hands, the same lips
on someone else's neck, chest, legs and hips
but looking at her how he looks at me
isn't something i imagined freely
he has loved, kissed, made love, hooked up
in the choices for relationship goals, he ticks all of the above
he's even gotten his heart broken and cried for another girl
lost his temper and tons of abuses has he hurled
he's gone through everything that i'm feeling for the first time
so yes, i am the immature one taking responsibility for this crime
i wish he could be a little more possessive
say stuff sober and be more expressive
but that would be greedy of me, right?
for these trivial matters i shouldn't pick up fights
yet feel i lonely on days like today when
nothing really big did happen
he's a great boyfriend, just very real and not rare
but that doesn't give me a reason to not care
for everything he does for me and more
i should be grateful for all this from the core
and to be honest, i am because i am a problem child
chaotic and messy, too stubborn and willfully wild
he tames my urges and makes me see sense
with him i wish to attain perfection without pretense
but at the end of the day when i lie down on my bed
this calmness travelling through my head
wonder i will this be enough? his sanity to my madness
he's safe, selectively thrilling but doesn't make my blood pump in wilderness

stood i in a corner away from you
trying to keep my distant view
of the finest specimen had i ever seen
never in such proximity had i been
for you were my nemesis, sworn in blood
yet the very sight of you turned me into a dud
because my brain cells shortcircuited
making me look at you on their own accord
and every moment our eyes connected, i regretted
because that made you someone i allured
so with every contact between our eyes
filled i myself with even more despise
because your mere presence derailed me
pushed me off my balanced sadly
and all that was left of silly me
was a puddle of shame and lost integrity
i didn't know that a simple stare would be enough
to put these inappropriate images of us
in the head that once plotted your demise
how did i get here, is a ******' surprise
so should i let this attraction make me do stuff
that'd be irreversible and testing my luck that's tough
maybe ******* you out of my system will let me be
my old self that hated you on the highest degree
or control these impulses and more
since with time, i will go back to before
why suddenly it's my wild blood pumping vigorously
begging to be tamed by your touch oh not so gently?

when i see around
i wonder
why some feel the sun
while others experience thunder
is God unfair
or it's just how life's planned
some have their hands full
while others lack full hands
some run after money
while others look for lust
some become criminals
while others can never be just
some are dark
some are deep
while others have
secrets to keep
so dear reader
when i say
understanding the world
is no child's play
please stop looking
for things that can't be found
-for the loveliest of words
will never have a sound

i wish i could love like the sun
so selflessly wholesome
for someone could i passionately burn
expecting nothing in return
but i ain't no saint
i am pretty selfish
because i do wish
for you to look at me too
i know it isn't fair
thus i won't further share
but that one glimpse of yours
made my day for sure
i know i shouldn't trouble you
but only if i knew
how to go back in time
and stop myself from calling you mine

what are we if not blemishes in a masterpiece

growing and glowing through all that we receive

broken our are souls and dark our are hearts

yet we learn to be at peace with all our parts

you remind of fresh forests and setting of the sun
and maybe that's why, realised i
the moment i laid eyes on you, you're my only one

and when there's silence inside your head
you choose to be at peace instead
because all your words that remain unsaid
are meant to be unheard instead

thought i won't write
for you today
but even out of sight
you're making me sway
your way
such that i'm stringing
these lines
and clinging
to hopeful vines
of you
thinking about me too

The "SHIP"

of our friendship

stands marred,

broken and scarred

are our hearts

that beat apart

and out of sync,

empty to the very brink.

Now that I think

with every blink,

we came with a date

of expiration in wait

because the very word

that defined our world

had an "END" to it

-fading friendship bit by bit.

I want to write something that will stay even when I no longer do,
Trying to portray my life covered in fictional hues.

I want an out yet wish to stay chained to my comfort zone,
I wonder if in this body I have a single confident bone?

So that I could step out and be
.F  .  R  .   E  .  E.

Of my mind that imprisons my soul,
Making me believe living my life is a goal.

I long to be happy without feeling guilty
I wish to dance to my heart out for eternity;
But all I do is think about it all
Too afraid to love myself because of my fear of fall.

Will I ever be able to carve my name somewhere-
Where
It shall always stay
Even when I will have faded away?

"Not Marble Nor The Gilded Monuments" spikes my anxiety
Thinking,
Will my afterlife shall be forgotten by entirety?

The thoughts about my future are seeping out of my sutures...where will go to what will I be?
-are all thoughts by a mere nobody who fears staying an unworthy nobody.

you loved me in your thoughts
and thought that you loved me
for all i was a mere thought
that could never become your reality
so you bled on these pages
tore through your cages
and wrote and wrote and wrote
rowing your sinking love boat
merrily down the stream
living a ****** nightmare
you oh so lovingly called a dream
and now you think you want me back
but all you want is the idea you've had
of a girl with broken wings
of an angel who sings
but i ain't no angel baby
i am the devil you don't want to see
who'll never ever fall for you
i am a lie that'll never be true
so ******* and your make ego
for you'll never be my story's hero
i am the main lead of my tale
a peak that you'll never be able to scale

i am *****
i am flirty
i ******
i deduce
no man out there
will ever be aware
of how i play them all
making them fall
with texts and calls
that go on and on
heartless was i born
i am the worst kind
making them all blind
i'm the evil you write about
whispering in your shouts
how i broke your stupid little heart
toying with you from the very start
but one thing you said was right
making you feel is a pure delight
i am the fiercest flame
so today i take the blame
i betrayed the one friend i made
making him devoid of all his shades
i am wicked and nothing more
-your beloved attention *****

the only difference
between
who I am
&
who I've been
is
the image in my head
that said
I can be
whoever
I can do
whatever
&
if none of this
proves to be a bliss
I can reset
GO SET GET
whenever
&
however

after all
~
It's My Life

there are places in history
that shall always remain a mystery
for the world will remain better
if those pages of past won't flutter

there are people of a tense
that we can't think of without blurring our lense
so why go back to them and cause pain
to both our souls again and again?

some chapters shall never be opened
and some books shall always remain closed
for we bury certain parts of our hearts
in order to scratch and start

but the itch to dig our own grave
to turn for just one last taste
of the lips we shouldn't crave
is wrong and will always be waste

going back, dear reader is our ultimate ruin
because the more we time travel,
the more we discover truths
that shouldn't have been unravelled

once we ****** a part of our past
move forward shall we always
and even when the dark shadows cast
we should still get through alone that day

but foolish are we humans with super stupid brain cells
still wanting to read those old greeting cards
we jump into our own death wells
and thus keep stopping by those haunted graveyards

if "what makes you happy?
could be answered in a
s e n t e n c e
to it would I say
always
everyone & everything
doesn't have to
m a k e  s e n s e

once we get this
r e f e r e n c e
we'll go on a joyous journey
embracing the
c o n s e q u e n c e
with so much
r e v e r e n c e

-We'll Be Happy

stormy skies

pretty lies

unanswered whys

unexpected goodbyes

are hard to know

but harder to let go

[Ha]te + Lo[ve] = Have

love & hate
are the fruits
of what we sow
like plants
they grow
from the same
seeds
some blossom
whereas
some become
weeds
it's not simply nature
but what we nurture
and
at the end
both are emotions
so strong
that
they prolong
year after year
all life long

you think you know heartache
can distinguish between real & fake
but you don't-not until
it stills your soul and kills your will
it guts you alive making it hard to survive
it makes you bleed and difficult to feed
it makes you your worst nightmare
an eternal scare
and all you think is why did you care
why couldn't the world be a bit fair?
so much pain you try hiding
want to end up confiding
but you can't
simply can't
because it keeps you going
keeps you from showing
what you really feel
so don't you reveal
pretending you care no more
even when you're nothing like before
oh reader you're changed yet the same
-wild emotions tough to tame

you're too bright for me to even look at you
a whole another being, a different view
you've had your set of troubles know i this
yet there isn't an experience that you ever miss
diligent can't define you and neither can consistent
because you're nothing short of a superhuman who's persistent
you're a god in my eyes and i’m a mere peasant
a full moon to my half-*** crescent
i have looked at you and got burned to my bones
danced to your tunes and sung you overtones
hated you once but have loved you always
yet here i am writing about you on days
when i should be focusing on my litttle universe
but i can’t really ever escape your orbit, something i shall always curse

and as the year ends
nights and days blend
into this beautiful place
where we shall trace
a new art
through our hearts
and welcome with sheer
joy and love this brand new year

~from me to you
a very happy 2022 :)

Y  o  u     t  o  l   d    m  e
  t  h  a  t        I        w  a  s  
C           O            L         D
  B   u    t     i     t     w  a  s  
    y      o      u       w    h    o    
n       e        v        e        r
  t    r    i    ­e    d        t     o  
B       R       E        A        K
        t      h     e         i      c     e.     .      .     .

why can't i let you go?
let things be like before
before....
i saw you standing there
of my interest- unaware
with your friends in deep talks
that made me pause my long walks
you're trouble knows my heart
yet seeing you makes it start
with a beat so profound
that it makes sounds
for you to notice me too
and exchange a word or few
but I battle with my brain
attraction is something to refrain
for all i've known is pain
and i can't go through it again
i try to kick you out of my mind
yet in the corners do I find
you lurking there in deep
making me want to keep
looking for you everyday
yet stay shut without a say
because i know this through
i ain't the one you'll want
so i want to not want you
because your ghost will forever haunt
me and my stupid senses
that are making me type these sentences

and as i inhale

it's you who i smell

filling up my lungs

making my heart swell

I will like you

on your dark gloomy days,

when there'll be none

I will stay.

I will cherish

All your rusty broken parts,

which they'll try to fix

as if Kintsugi Art.

I will accept you

just the way you are,

from your tears to your fears

I will caress all your scars.

I will see you

even if the world turns blind,

lost in your head

I will help you find.

I will breathe

life into your dead eyes,

giving you my light

I will fall for you to rise.


You wonder why

will I

go through

all these things for you?

Well,

because I love you,

in all your dull-bright hues.

and now when i can't look at you
i see that you want me to be your view
saying that the love you denied is true
and without me your sky isn't that blue
you're telling me that you've realised
but you're making amends only to lessen the guilt inside
but i ain't a fool anymore who'd drop everything now
for you and the hope of "us" is dead somehow
leave me the way you left those 89 days back
in a puddle of my tears and my heart in cracks
it took so long and will take so much longer for me to fix my mind
and if your feelings are this fierce too then to yourself be kind
make something of everything that has happened and more
go through those stages of grief, they will shake you to your core
i can't let you destroy me again
or let you be the reason for my pain
can't forget the disrespect, the nonchalance, the hurt i didn't deserve
so all i want now is to live in peace and end this verse
i fear to hope that people can change for good
because doing that once killed something within me, i understood
if you wanted it, if you wanted me- you could
so yes, go act like i broke your heart and thus i am the villain of our story
i am strong enough to handle your hate and shall take the blame in all its glory

My eyes

have dried

with the tears

I've cried.

And now

I'm hollow,

I've got nothing to give.

And now

I'm done,

I've got nothing to live.

i miss the sun

i miss the heat

i miss the pounding of

my own ******' heartbeat

i miss your hands

i miss them on me

i miss the way

we both used to be

i miss your eyes

i miss their intensity

i  miss their fire

that burnt me for eternity

i miss your lips

i miss how they parted

i miss the ending

and how it all started

i miss you

i miss me

i miss us

and everything we could be

your
memo
r i  e s
do   i  erase
by bleeding
on this page
t   h   e   s   e
m  on ster  s
away i chase
by lett  ing my
own out of cage
for there'll be none
s   o        b     r   a  v   e
who'll   try      to       save
alone w      e shall  
thrive      that's
   the     way
we'll
   s      
     u  
           r
v
i        
      v    
          e