I have been struggling to sleep without you here in my bed.

At one time or another, all those stupid fears have come true,
So it's hard to think logical as my peers tell me to pull through,
You say 'it ain't truth it just you, it's your mind, it's your feelings'
But where do they come from? my monsters? my demons?
From 3 am phone calls to no text message replies,
To opening up and getting torn from inside,
To all my misreadings  that have hurt in the past,
To all of the others, you kissed once, had enough and then passed,
When I'm sitting here restless, 37 past twelve,
The ticking of minutes, the whole world has been shelved,
And I fear that you'll leave me,
I'm worth less than you,
It is worthless my feelings, this fear nothing new,
This pain, this regret, how I swim in the past,
I found someone precious and I gave her my heart.


I found someone better, to topple my ego,
I sit in her palm, not yet clenched to a fist,
I adore her and kiss her, and we float like a mist,
scared in the knowledge that this soon will cease to exist

Wreathes around my neck are forming,
Sky is storming,
This noose is dragging me to the forest,
Raimi’s curse mark,
Those dark words spoke,
Those dark lies,
We have our eyes held open and stare at a world gagging on it’s sick,
So, obsessed with conflict,
So (insert)phobic,
We stir the hatred,
This broth is rancid,
Go vote for tory,
Best not help people,
You ******* lefty,
Don’t’ be a *****,
Not very manly,
What happened to manly?
In my time we were all tougher,
And sure, we suffered but that’s how the world was,
Except now we see it,
The dam is breaking,
The lies of a world with no truths are so ******* flaky,
Pawns in chess,
Players of a game,
Working onwards to our graves,
Cultural shift now,
Bend your perception,
Money should not motivate,
It’s a pit of snakes solidifying you into a mindless rock so easily shocked,
Under the thumb and afraid of change,
Become a zombie,
I see the future,
We are either flying or dying,
Either way this cacophony is catching up to us,
Do we play the game or change the game?
Do we build up instead of tear down?
A support system in place of a war system,
Why are we so sure of the systematic failure of empathy?
What are you doing?
Working 5 days a week for a happy 2?
Is your enjoyment being monetised?
Is the mind loss of alcohol your saving grace at weekends?
Does losing yourself relieve your stress?
Be more creative,
We’re so close to progressing,
Life should be more play than work but right now Jack is a very dull boy,
****** over by the guy boy,
Crash land from the sky boy,
I see your lies boy,
Politics is the longest running reality show and just as meaningless,
Are you seeing this?
Are you happy with this?
Do you realise how the words we see are manipulated?
How these words we see manipulate the words we say?
Left or right,
Still goes alright,
And words can’t fight,
But we will fight over them,
That was an empty statement,
But where even is meaning?
These are all just screenings and tests,
Yet we’re all just screaming at best,
Be pure,
Be vigilant,
Behave,
Be lewd,
And lax,
Destroy,
Every system,
Every rule,
Smash like mouth,
Smashed like your relieving weekends,
**** your idols,
Become your idol,
Stop sitting back idle.

Birth,
Kicking and screaming,
Within weeks meningitis overrides the quiet side,
To a nineteen-year-old mother, suddenly, that’s a fight for two lives,
Naivety of youth versus reality of life,
Her fathers disowned her,
Kid’s father’s a stoner,
The baby is screaming,
It’s hard to keep breathing,
It’s mid-winter,
If she gives up now it will mean giving up,
Full stop,
Book closed,
Claustrophobic cold,
You feel so alone,
Dad’s getting ******,
That’s just pathetic,
World getting hectic,
The hospital service,
A miracle happens,
The doctor saves him,
The baby is safe now,
That doctor stands sacred,
Tears are hysteric,
And she raises the child,
Gives it her all,
Gives it her soul,
Destroys her mind,
And he’s so ungrateful,
And they’re so distant,
As he grows older,
That miracle’s tarnished,
Becoming addicted,
Becoming obsessive,
Becoming dishonest,
Becoming reflective,
Writing this poem,
To try being honest,
To try understand this,
Not just alcoholic.
That’s how I’m coping,
At least I’m not coking,
Except when I’m coking,
But every morning I wake up reeling,
Can’t escape the feeling,
Of wasting away,
Just ****** up my uni,
Because I can’t commit for more than five ******* seconds to anything,
It was a television course,
Who even ******* likes television,
**** television,
I never wanted to do it anyway,
I just want a drink,
I just want a drink,
God, what a ******* miracle,
Thanks doc,
I need to find reason,
I need to find purpose,
This is a confession.

Anger lashed out, spiteful and mean,
Do you want a fight? God yes! I’m Keen!
Shouldn’t have done it so now I panic,
Rush out the door,
The rain makes this feel tragic,
One drink on the tab at the pub that I work,
Moments silence as I send out my cries for help,
No response,
All drips in the rain,
Am I sad or angry?
Either way I’m without location,
Or motivation,
Tweet something positive in the hopes that it helps,
Even if it didn’t help me might help someone else,
Backtrack on my own advice,
Drinking while vulnerable is some sort of high,
‘Sorry Ollie, I’m with my work friends’
‘I got a mate round’
‘Sorry I’m drunk have a good un’
Bought this upon myself in some respects,
But it always thought I was closer,
Life likes to remind me it’s right to be cautious,
Life likes to remind me that I deserve to be lonely,
Looks like we’re still not over the pain I’ve caused,
Confronting the problems, I’ve been hiding from,
And the people that I know I’ve wronged,
Butterflies in my stomach bubble and fry,
In the gastric acid of these ****** insides,
Facing inevitable truths,
The results of my lies,
These difficult situations,
Got that sad Drake on rotation,
I need to stay hydrated in this heat,
Ye despite this warmth I got cold feet,
Can I turn away now? Please,
There’re harder things to face than defeat,
That’s what I’ll tell myself then tell you if you asked,
But I’m terrified,
I’ve been stripped bare for all to see,
But it’s not enough,
Now I sit,
legs crossed and contemplative,
Do I lash out at myself or lash out at the world?
I wish I could run to Tom,
Or through the past when people cared,
However briefly,
Somebody relieve us of the hardships we lay on ourselves,
The **** we cause and the people we hurt,
How empty we’ve felt,
I could be so easily redeemed,
But I’m so ******* destructive,  
The anger lashed out and hollowness answered,
Guess I drink,
Easier to confront than a shrink.

I’m not in your life anymore,
It was kind of inevitable,
so, I’ll keep a straight face and pretend I accept it,
You’ve got your best friend and your lover,
You’d hardly have need for your one-time blood brother,
And that’s fine,
That’s okay,
That’s good,
But then you have to break where you once so strongly stood,
When you message me at 2 all drunk and alone?
It was just a one off but now my brains on a roll,
And your angry sad tweets are a call to my soul,
But I can’t intervene,
Some sort of border control,
Some hidden forcefield,
Some unspoken rule,
You’ve got all that you need but still broke from the fall,
This spark is fading out but I’m no good with lighters,
You have a man that will try and he’s such a good fighter,
So, I’ll leave it to him,
Because you are my fear,
I want to return to the start of this year.

Overthinking concepts then,
Conceptualising my overthought thoughts,
And being wrought with Lovecraftian insecurity,
Words stumble out like it’s three at the club,
Thoughts confused like it’s three at the club,
Existential then small; then harrowing then disparagingly normal,
Repeating points and the still being lost from the point,
Frustration as we weave around the point,
Where’s Wally-ing the words I’m looking for,
A million in one,
I wonder what the exact Wally statistic is,
Am I bi?
Or straight?
Or confused?
Or alive?
Or real?
Am I happy?
Or sad?
Or alive?
Or real?
Am I loved?
Or lost?
Or alive?
Or real?
Every problem upscaled to reality,
An anxiety manifested in universal proportions,
If life is a story, then why’s mine so close to not being boring?
Like a film with the wrong director but the right script,
Through hardship and pain,
you would hope I became,
Something more,
Or learn a lesson,
Yet every lesson I learnt is being rewritten,
No solid thought,
Just liquid existence,
It’s all in connections,
Nature is woman,
And harshness is man,
The link exists I’m sue,
But finding the words I’m lost,
Scores of wondrous ideas with no real reason,
Life has no reason,
Life’s full of reason,
Life is the reason,
I’ve never truly lost,
I only get kicked from group chats or families,
Without family we lack identity,
Without reason this poem lacks footing in reality,
My reality lacks footing in reality,
Is this meant to happen on the daily?
It’s three at the club,
Waiting for the taxi,
Writing on the memo app,
Hoping that when I wake up these words mean something,
Or if they don’t then at least they read well,
In the morning,
Where I’ll be ***** and yawning,
Forgetting these events as they’re fleeting,
I’ve been theorising that all people fantasise about dying,
Pushing ourselves till we destroy it all trying,
Die an icon,
Or a *******,
Either way end up forgotten,
Controversially, I would call myself an optimist,
Not traditionally, sure,
But this longing is the purest,
Confused.

Elizabeth, I,don’t love you,
But perhaps I could grow to,
If one had the confidence to pursue,
You,
Perhaps beautiful connections would bloom,
Perhaps,
I like your name,
And your face,
And your frame,
And your taste in music is at the very least interesting,
But sending that message to kick it all off?
No thank you and I’m sorry,
To my alternate future self in which I married you girl,
Because I have cut myself off,
It always happens,
So, don’t take it personally.

Drinks turn to drinks, turn to drinks, turn to drinks,
Turn to acidic love,
Eviscerating my sight with technicolour,
An extraordinary hallucinatory rush,
Holding hands or laying in laps,
Falling into ribs or the booming bass of summer hits,
Rising and soaring then crashing into loops,
Of thought,
Falling into ribs or the booming bass of summer hits,
Falling into loops of thought,
Falling in love,
Texting my friends, feeling unsure if I’m thinking or talking,
Words on the screen convey the words in my head,
That’s mad,
The blinding light of a children show whirls,
I think I know my type,
I hope she kisses me,
I need to get out of this situation,
What about drawing?
Or music?
Or sit in silence for 45 minutes flat,
Or watch X2: X-Men United,
Stuck in loops,
Time has passed,
One sudden snap,
And it’s ******* awful,
Coming down,
Hold on and go to work,
Really good, I’ll try it next week,
And although I should know better; it all felt so magical and real,
I fell in love a little bit,
And lost myself a little more