*******.
That's the name you call yourself.
That's the name we call ourselves.
Darkness is all around you.
It fogs your eyes and it blocks your smile.
But that doesn't mean you can't smile,you smile.
You smile your weak smile.
And deep inside that smile of yours, I can see a heart of gold.
A heart of gold sunken deep in a pool of troubled waters.
A heart of gold surrounded by black clouds so that no one could see.
A heart of gold hidden behind the rocks that life throws at you so that you couldn't see.
You try so hard fighting off your demons and that helps me.
Seeing you fight gives me strength.
When they see you, they see a girl with a face.
I see your demons. I see the war.
The war will never end I reckon because it never does. It never will.
But at least we will survive until we die if we just hold on to each other.

3am. 2 hours till dawn. 3 hours after midnight.
They sleep. I'm awake. I'm awake and I'm fighting. I'm fighting with myself.

3 am. 2 hours. 3 hours.
Please stop. I beg you please. Please just stop. I'm too tired. I'm too tired of this.

3 am. 2 hours. 3 hours.
Numbers are beautiful. So are words. They flood my brain, they fly around it flapping their black wings.

3am. 2 hours. 3 hours.
Three. Two. Three.
Three. Two. Three.
Three.
Three.
Two.
Please stop three.

3 am. 2. 3 hours.

"Youre making too much noise, we cant sleep". You cant just sleep. I can't breathe. Can't  you see that I can't breathe?


Three. Three. Two.
Three. Two . Three.


3am. 2 hours till dawn. 3 hours after midnight.
It's too loud please stop. I don't want to do this anymore, please stop.


3 am. 2 hours.  3 hours.
I look at the razors, I stare at the door. I remember the days when my mind was still silent.


Three. Two. Three.
I'm reading. I'm remembering. I'm reading. I'm remembering. Will I remember?  Will I be remembered?

3am. Two hours. Three hours.
Bells start ringing in my head. My heart is racing,my body shaking. Three two three.


3am. Two. Three hours.
I cant smile. I can't cry. Because when I do, you'd just think I'm trying to justify. I'm not trying to justify. I just want you to know that I'm not trying to justify. Justify. Justify. Justify.


5 am. Dawn. 5 hours after midnight.
Another day. More suffering. More words. More numbers. More hours.

Three. Five. Two. Five. Zero. Zero.
Lord help me, zero.

"I know everything that's going on inside your head."
But do you,really?
Because if you really did, you wouldn't even say that out loud.
Because if you really did, you would welcome me with your arms wide open instead.
Because what's going on inside my head is a big mass of double-edged daggers flying around in a whirlpool of acid,cutting through every part of my body around it.
How could you understand what's in my mind when the problem is that my own mind is against my body?
When my spirit is burnt down to ashes by infernal flames?
Did you know how painful it is when your words cut through my eyes like razors?
It hurts so much that I cannot see anything clearly anymore.
I'm not blind yet I cant see any light in this world anymore.
My world right now is a dark abyss and the floor is lava and im walking blind on it.
Love and hate is only a step away and you're pushing me across the border.
I love you so **** much that I want to **** myself.
You love me, I know.
But it's not this imperfect creature that you truly love.
It was the program you coded in it.
In a way, you love the machine inside me and not me.
You said im isolating myself from everyone including you.
But how could I not isolate myself from you when all you do is push me away whenever I try?
But know that I will love you until the very last breath I take.
Even if it's the one I'm taking right now.

Beauty is the sky filled with dark clouds.
Beauty is the black birds swooning across the black sky.
Beauty is the moths rocketing themselves to their death.
Beauty is the cigarette smoke that has escaped my lungs.
Beauty is those amber red leaves falling from the trees.
Beauty is the claustrophobia that suffocates me when I'm alone in my bed.
Beauty is the phone that hasn't rung for months.
Beauty is the ***** of empty papers in the bin.
Beauty is the  voices bleeding from your daily fights that have become white noises to my ears.
Beauty is the creature I see everytime I look in the mirror.
Beauty is the cruel daggers that you whisper into my ears.
Beauty is the blisters on my knuckles I got from punishing the wall for your sins.
Beauty is the scratches on my arms.
Beauty is the pills that numb the pain in my soul.
Beauty is Morpheus,the only friend who's around to help me through the torments of my life.
Beauty is the razor that has been hiding in the mess on my desk for months now.
Beauty is death herself.
Beauty is life.

Repeat.
Just once more,you have to repeat.
Just once more and you can stop.
Repeat.
One more tic and it'll be gone.
Just one more and it'll be all.
Repeat.
You don't have to listen to anything but this.
Don't you follow any order but your own.
Repeat.
The sun doesn't matter
Nor does the rain.
All you have to do is repeat.
Repeat.
you don't need to sleep.
All that matters is that you repeat.
Repeat.
For you promise that this will be the last.
For you convince yourself that this will be the last.
Repeat.
For you never keep your promises well.
For you know you'll do it again.
Repeat.
All you have to do is repeat.
All you will do is repeat.
For son, you are a prisoner of your own body.
So,repeat.
Just repeat.

So,cage me.
Cage me like you always do.
For I will willingly go into the cage.
Like I always do.
The cage is my home.
The loneliness is my friend.
My one true friend.
And I know that you'd let me go again one day.
And I'd think that I'm free again.
Then I'd build a world around me again.
Then I'd find a place where I belong again.
Then you'd tell me to get back into the cage.
Again.
And I will burn my world down again.
And I will burn the bridges again.
And I will go home again.
And I will be home again.
And I will be alone again.
So, cage me.
For I like it there.

Black hands grasp her heart.
She sits still.
The silence in her heart deafens her.
She sits still.
The darkness devours her.
She sits still.
She is trapped.
She sits still.
She sees everything falling apart.
She sits still.
Her world crumbles before her eyes.
She sits still.
She knows she has to sit still.
She sits still.
She sits still.
In the end, she sits still.