she loved him to death.

Then she came to realization with how toxic he was and instead of falling out of love, she fell harder.
Every passing day she fell a little harder,
a little faster,
a little sadder.
she became anxious,
obsessive,
hurt,
sad.

But one morning she awoke to realize that she in fact
fell
out
of
it.
she loved him. she still does. But she was in love with him until the death of the relationship.
Now she just loves him.
From afar.
From the knowledge.
From the happiness an individual gave her.

-nm

I wish I could take my own life,

But how could I ever do that to you.

Everything is fine











But I wish I dead.

Let
me
fathom
my
melancholy
into
words

I want to grab on your feet
And make a fool of myself,
Begging you desparately to say you will never leave,
Behave irrationally.
But instead i will just lay here,
Praying you will call me yours

How do you know you are
ready to love?


You dont.

It hits you like a wave you never saw coming,
But the drowning doesnt hurt.
You breathe.

Art Is Freedom.

Being able to bend things
That people see as a streight line.

Dont be too proud to
Reach for a love you lost
When your mind was too young
To see how real it all was,
Not reaching is the real loss.

i am hurting so much

love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou mayst love on, through love's eternity

the people living in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

I'm so tired that when I bent over the motivation just shot right out of my ***! Now that's tired

The pain is unrelenting,
and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come-
not in a day,
an hour,
a month,
or a minute.
If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary;
more pain will follow.
It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.
So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs,
shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying-
or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity-
but moving from pain to pain.
One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails,
but is attached to it wherever one goes.

Depression is a disorder of mood,
so mysteriously painful and elusive in the way it becomes known to the self--
as to verge close to being beyond description.
It remains nearly incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it in its extreme mode,
although the gloom, "the blues" which people go through
occasionally and associate with the general hassle of everyday existence are of such prevalence that they do give many individuals a hint of the illness in its catastrophic form.

The air in my home
is heavy with my mom's unhappiness. And her exhaustion.
And her sheer dissatisfaction with her life.
And I hate it.
I can be locked up in my room when she's in the kitchen and I feel her despair seeping up through the doors and walls.

As she said to me,
"Have you ever felt suffocated by your own life?
Like life has trapped you in a corner and ******* whatever is left of you?"

No amount of strength that I contain can somehow give her a miniature motive to get back up.

God, this is awful.

i could've sworn
that the blood on my hands
was from killing my demons,
but when i woke up,
the scars were on my own throat
"I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."

My bitterness stems from the urge to hold onto things I can't control
I'm very controlling
A weakness
But you can imagine the struggle
You know how they say if you get chills someone walked on your grave?
You weren't only so disrespectful as to walk on my grave
You spit on it
And my skin still crawled with pleasure for you
It's like a sickness
It would be a honor to wake with Amnesia
I'd forget the way I let you push me around
My vocabulary lacks the words to remotely make your disgustingness look ravishing
And why would I?

****.

I'm so empty.

You were my cup of tea
But I drink ***** now.

gives people advice when i cant even handle my own problems

Who are you?
What puts your mind, body and soul
In a state of tranquility?
What makes you who you are?
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
Why do you live?
Why do you exist?

"There's no rush" , right?

Its not like life continues on without you,
Its not like life doesn't depend on you,
Its not like time won't come to your house for tea and biscuits to discuss your next move.

You go wherever the wind blows right?
But,
What do you do when the wind doesn't blow?

I'm not an artist but I've opened up galleries with your name painted all over the walls

i thought i could love you as gently as rain falls to the earth
but my heart can only love in extremes, as fierce as a storm or not at all

your words fall like rain from the sky and here i lay, patiently waiting for the first drop to splash my skin and absorb into my soul

its crazy how easily we lose our way when there's no one to share the journey with

It doesnt matter
If i see it

It doesnt matter
If she sees it

It doesnt matter
If he sees it

It doesnt matter
If anyone in the world sees it

Because until YOU dont see it for yourself

You will never know
You will never understand
The pain you put me through everyday

Whats worse than being hurt
Is that I'm being hurt

By you

There's a funny thing about sadness
The way it surrounds you so you feel whole
Nothing else is let in
Except the sorrow and the pain
You can see the happiness
But never feel it
Want it
But not have it
There's a funny thing about sadness
How you become so familiar with it you can't feel anything else.

Hello 911,

It still hurts.

I haven't let emotions or thoughts flow out of my system,
I've just been holding **** in
And as a result
I am now emotionally, and mentally clogged
And that's just blocking any progress or productivity of my inner self.
Writing has even become so difficult to accomplish.

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life last night.
Is it okay if I don't sleep for the next few days?

Its a new year.
A new beginning.
A clean slate.

So
Why do I feel so exhausted from breathing?

is the one pushing you away but never removing their hands from your body

I named my pillow after you

Scared.
If you rearrange the letters
You get
Sacred.
Maybe fear is supposed to be something serene
Perhaps it is pure
So why am I so scared of sacred things?
A bed
A school
A home
All are supposed to be set apart
All are supposed to be safe
But I learned unspeakable things
In the back rooms of these places
That no one wants to discuss.
I am scared of sacred things
For all of these have been defiled for me
As a man has taken it upon himself
To break my hands and
To play God
To use me as his ****** Mary
I wish I understood virginity
I am scared of sacred things
I bled from the inside out
I was no longer white washed
Blood and bile encased my soul
And a black hole swallowed it whole.
I am scared of sacred things
He left me there and knew that should I blame him
My religion would beg of me to forgive his sins
So I never did
Instead I blamed myself.
I only existed under heavy sheets
Only let myself feel in dark places.
I am scared of sacred things
White dresses
Fairy tale weddings
Boys who promise to love you
Men who lie about love
Monsters who don't know what love is
In the first place.

my soul is still getting used to sensing hesitation in his words
sometimes i wonder why we can't be together
at first i blamed myself
i always blame myself
but  i've come to a conclusion -
it is in fact my fault
it definitely isn't his
that i am a dreamer living in a reality of nightmares
and that the meanings behind my words are often too dense to comprehend
so his lips and mine can no longer speak common sense
our circles forming awkward edges to avoid overlap
like oil and water and we can never become one

Let me fathom my fear into words.
I'm scared I'll always be alone
because I still haven't met someone
who simply gives a ****.

and I said to myself, "you're going to be
alone now."
and that it would be fine.
but i've lost all meaning of fine
and if you look into my heart
you'd cry.
as that is where I lock my pain.
and if you dare, look deeper and you will find,
the scars that hide in the darkest of times.

I was a thousands of kilometers away from you,
And too many feet above you for you to even sense
my presence.
And now I'm a few kilometers closer to you,
And too little feet from you that you can reach up and grab me.

I'm seated next to a strange man, minding his own business
Yet, all I can think about are his curious fingers lingering over the partition and dancing on my thighs,
Retracing your steps,
Completing your task.

Tears conceived in my eye ducts by my pain and fear
urge to be birthed from my eyes at my happiest or
calmest moments.

Sometimes I want to see you slowly and accurately tortured,
Every slice, stab, hit, pull, push, and burn calculated
Then again,
I'm a forgiving person and I don't want to be the one to leave your sister brotherless, and your parents with the burden of having to bury their child.

I hate the fact that you made me so afraid,
I hate the fact that I feel so silenced
I hate the fact that justice couldn't be served
I hate the fact that you could be committing worse crimes unto other girls
I hate the fact that I need to cry right now

But most of all,

I hate the fact that you showed me how alone I am
and that a terrible person like you is the only person present.

maybe i like the way he makes me feel,
wanted and worthless at the same time.
maybe i like the way he breaks my heart
but stitches it back together with his kisses.
maybe i like the way he never calls me beautiful,
but the way he looks at me when i enter the room sends chills down my spine letting me know he thinks so.
maybe i like the way he sends me home crying until 4 in the morning
and texts me telling me he loves me two hours later.
and maybe,
just maybe i like the way he hurts me.

Your fingers trace me well,
No photograph or artist has ever painted such a picture
No man and no woman
Not that it matters
Scent pleasures every crevice,
and lays softly on my skin.
I hope it won't leave.
If only I could contain it,
with you. Here.
All the time.
No breath is ever deep enough.
the quiet only longs
to be interrupted
your lips,
my love,
your ears,
my dear,
your hips,
why return to the terrain?
It pains me not,
to feel,
every bit of you,
while you take
every part of me.
My thoughts, so appropriate.
Because, my love,
They do not exist.
They do not glare,
gossip,
wish,
question motives,
while we are one,
in our Eden,
where your love is fruitful.
I've found you,
in your smile,
your lips,
your laugh.
Hold me, as I show you who you are.
Playing games in our eyes,
and dancing with our hips.

Sometimes you cry and no one sees your tears.
Sometimes you’re happy and no one sees your smile.
But **** just one time…

it's okay to be sad.
it's just not okay to stay that way.

You left.
I won't forget how empty my hands felt
Or the bottles I grabbed to fill them
I had to drive through the valley of our silence
And my ears never bled so much
I have punctured knees and bruised hands from begging
And all that's left of my hope is the dust between my fingers
Days move along but time is still
And the clocks tick louder in the dark
But I've learned that shadows only exist when there's light
So I found comfort in the black
Where I can't see my existence
I can't see your absence
And all I can feel is the cold floor on my hollow chest
****** I need to feel you now.

I'd have a better chance breathing with collapsed lungs
But I'd use my last breath to tell you to stay.
Please stay.

The only constant in my life is excruciating Anxiety,  
Lost sleep,                            
Loss of appetite,                    
All I ever think is "Why me?"  
I am becoming my own ghost,
And nobody even knows
that I am gone.
Every day is one step in the wrong direction.
Constant over thinking,
& The tightness in my chest is becoming overbearing.
Will I ever be someone that will be worth remembering?  
Will I ever climb out of this grave?
Will I ever live long enough to find out why, Why me?

I   want   to   be   thisclose   to    you.

"Be happy." They say.
I can't.
"At least pretend to be."
Why?
"Because no one likes a sad person."
Oh

Ask yourself:
"What feels right?"
In The bible says:
"Walk by faith, and not by sight"
You cannot listen to what people say,
You need to watch what people do.
They make their decisions based on how they feel.
When you turn the lights off,



Ask yourself how it feels then.

You have managed to make yourself the victim,
Even when you hold the knife to my throat,
You portray yourself as selfless, used, manipulated and abused...

I ran.

Ran faster than I've ever run before.

Just ran.
I wasn't sure what I was running from,
I just knew it was bad.

Worse than I had ever seen before,
worse than you could possibly ever imagine.

Through the woods I went,
weaving through tree after tree.
I needed to get out of this dark place,
I needed to get out now.

Yet the trees kept coming,
outlined by the light of the full moon.
But then,
the trees were no longer trees.

I realized they were people.
Running with me,
pushing me along.

All the people and things I had ever been scared of-
when I was a kid, when I was older, now.

That man that scared me so bad when I was eight.

The monsters I had invented, under my bed.

The girl who I had seen cut herself,
the blood still dripping from her arm.

They all kept looking at me,
their eyes haunted me.
Their eyes.
Full of nothing but emptiness.

I looked around, terrified,
but they kept coming.
Running past me,
pushing me along.

And then,
with a sudden shudder of horror,
I realized something.
Something which stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was running the wrong way.

I was running towards the thing
that frightens me the most.

Above everything else,
the most powerful thing in my life.
But it was more than that,
with this thing.

It was full of fury,
full of love,
full of hate,
full of everything,
ready to scream,
scream to the world.

I didn't want to face that thing,
not now, not in a million years.
I panicked,
tried to turn and run away from it all.
Run into the mist,
that fog behind me.
Away from this creepy forest,
from all my fears.

Yet I couldn't.
They kept pushing me along,
closer and closer to the thing I fear the most.
I looked into their haunted eyes,
all of them empty yet so full.

Then all of the sudden,
I was alone again.
These fleeting images were no more;
it was just me and the trees.

But then, I started to turn,
and I knew it was there.
I kept turning and saw the outline
of that thing that scares me most.
I looked through the mist as it cleared,
ready to scream.
I didn't want to see it,
see it as it really was.

See the wrath of it,
the terror of it.
Yet something kept me turning towards it.

And then I looked.

There it was,
looking at me with the pain in its eyes.
I saw it clearer than anything else.
I was so terrified as I tried turning to run.
I could feel my legs trying to move,
trying to run as fast as possible.
But they weren't actually moving.
I was frozen in place, staring into its eyes.



Staring at myself.

am I with you
or
am I with the mess the one before me left