I'm so tired that when I bent over the motivation just shot right out of my ***! Now that's tired

My biggest prayer is to love her right
I want to…
Love her like Christ loved the church
Love her like her Father in Heaven
Loves Her Love her like the Holy Spirit loves her soul
And love her like she was created to be loved

But sometimes….
Sometimes my flesh tries to intimidate me with that kind of love
Its like my spirit cries out from the depths of this corrupted prison
With the voice of abel screaming that
I have not loved her to the extent Christ loves the church
I want a crucifixion type love

Everytime I hug her I want my arms to be spread out on the cross
And I want to die to my childish ways
Everytime I look into her eyes
I want a crown of thorns to be placed on my head and surrender my thought life to her honor
I want the walks we take in the park
To be nails driven into my feet so that they will lead her with the authority of Moses
I want a crucifixion type love

I want my side to be pierced every time we laugh together
so that ill always remember that she is my rib
Everytime I sleep and dream of her
I want my back to be beaten with a catonine tails
so that I’ll always carry her burdens for her
Everytime I’m not with her
I want to stand before pilate and stand true to my relationship with her
I want those who have seen me to have seen her in ME when we are apart
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that will cause dead men to rise
When people gaze on us, they want to know who is this Christ that we speak of
Everytime she falls I want to take her in my arms like my cross and carry her up to calvary
I want men to mock me for not wanting to be like them
For not wanting to squander my love on various women
But to have the passion to pour out my love onto one soul for all of eternity
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that was predestined before eternity
I want a love that was birthed in my mother’s womb
I want a love that is willing to give up this world for her
I want a love that is immaculate
I want a love that makes the angel’s wish they were in our shoes
I want a love that will make me pray to God and say
Who am I that YOU are mindful of me to bless me with her
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that bleeds purity
I want a love that people will lie on us just to see us split apart
I want a love that will make me run away to a far village,
build a mansion for you with my bare hands
and send you love letters every day reminding you of me
letters that you can keep in a book and spend time reading them every day
I want a love that will make my spirit pray for you
I want a love that will make me walk on water
in the middle of the most dangerous storm for you
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that my friends will betray me because of my affection for you
I want a love that after we’re gone,
that for centuries to come men will aim to follow in our legacy
Everytime I rise in the morning
I want it to be my cross being raised upright for you
To stand on the hill of my life and portray a beautiful sacrifice
I want to be placed into the tomb of your heart
The Tomb that your mother and father built
I want a love that will rise with all power over adversity
I want a love that people will flock to see if it is real
I want a crucifixion type love

I want a love that shows my yearning for you
I want a love that even when we argue,
I still have a burning passion & desire to be with you
I want a love that heals
The kind of love that covers the wounds that were dug deep by the knives of infidelity and insecurity
I want a love that makes God get up and dance around his throne every time he sets his eyes on us
I want a crucifixion type love

So with all of that said
Lord, give me the strength to love her like you love me
Like the way you didn’t consider being equal with the Father a thing to be grasped
But you came and gave up your throne for the filth of this world
And in love, you served In the same way
Let me serve her unconditionally infinitely
Let me MAN UP
And quit wasting time playing games
and pursue her like you pursue your church
Because you have chosen me to be entrusted with her heart
So let me cherish it like a jeweler cherishes a diamond
Let me examine it and find out every minute detail about her worth

I want to love her
like Abraham loved Sarah
Like Isaac loved Rebecca
Like Jacob loved Rachel
Like Boaz loved Ruth
Like Solomon loved his Queen
I want a crucifixion type love

So into your hands I commit this relationship
Because I want to love her like you Love your church

I

WANT

a

Crucifixion

type

love

Who are you?

Are you in touch with all of
Your darkest fantasies?
Have you created a life for yourself
Where you can experience them?

I have.

Yes I am ******* crazy.

But I'm free.

That is the thing about pain;
It demands to be felt.

maybe i like the way he makes me feel,
wanted and worthless at the same time.
maybe i like the way he breaks my heart
but stitches it back together with his kisses.
maybe i like the way he never calls me beautiful,
but the way he looks at me when i enter the room sends chills down my spine letting me know he thinks so.
maybe i like the way he sends me home crying until 4 in the morning
and texts me telling me he loves me two hours later.
and maybe,
just maybe i like the way he hurts me.

How stupid of me; to think I was the only flower in your garden.

You have managed to make yourself the victim,
Even when you hold the knife to my throat,
You portray yourself as selfless, used, manipulated and abused...

It doesnt matter
If i see it

It doesnt matter
If she sees it

It doesnt matter
If he sees it

It doesnt matter
If anyone in the world sees it

Because until YOU dont see it for yourself

You will never know
You will never understand
The pain you put me through everyday

Whats worse than being hurt
Is that I'm being hurt

By you

Have I ever compared you to the stars?
Have I ever described your eyes in ways that resemble constellations?
Talk to me about time.
Talk to me about the universe
in all ways that'll I'll never be able to understand.
Spin me around like a clock and take me back in time
to the days when stars shined brighter than these Jozi lights.

We don't have to say a word.
Make no noise, not a peep.
Let silence fill our ears.
Let the quiet take over the earth.
Let us float in this peace,
and enjoy the time we have together.

I know that I have to leave soon
and I know that stars don't burn forever,
but lay with me here on the ground.
We'll count sheep all night until
the sun greets us in the morning letting us now
that the night is dead and gone.

It's not my fault that I fell in love with the world in you.
I see so much life and you
and I think we should stay in this position forevermore.
We will never miss another darting star,
Whirling its way passed us breaking our silence just for a second.

your eyes, made to see the depths of me.
your ears, made to hear the thoughts i keep.
your hands, made to fit my dainty mold.
your lips, made to ******* sweetened soul.

I long to be the place you can put everything they know you need to survive - every secret, solitude, nervous prayer & be certain I'll keep it

Dont be too proud to
Reach for a love you lost
When your mind was too young
To see how real it all was,
Not reaching is the real loss.

Depression is a disorder of mood,
so mysteriously painful and elusive in the way it becomes known to the self--
as to verge close to being beyond description.
It remains nearly incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it in its extreme mode,
although the gloom, "the blues" which people go through
occasionally and associate with the general hassle of everyday existence are of such prevalence that they do give many individuals a hint of the illness in its catastrophic form.

The pain is unrelenting,
and what makes the condition intolerable is the foreknowledge that no remedy will come-
not in a day,
an hour,
a month,
or a minute.
If there is mild relief, one knows that it is only temporary;
more pain will follow.
It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.
So the decision-making of daily life involves not, as in normal affairs,
shifting from one annoying situation to another less annoying-
or from discomfort to relative comfort, or from boredom to activity-
but moving from pain to pain.
One does not abandon, even briefly, one’s bed of nails,
but is attached to it wherever one goes.

what was it about your touch that made me forget every dark and protruding insecurity that paid rent in my heart

was it the way I finally understood what home meant when you grabbed me by the shoulders and told me that I am a song worth being sung from rooftops

Was it the way I romanticized the idea of us, two dismantled antiques on a dusty floor, neglected and unappreciated, falling in love with each other  

maybe.

I'm not sure if you're 'the one' but I am undoubtedly sure of the way I wish I could replay moments we've shared over and over and over again and maybe some how download the first time you ever uttered 'I love you' onto my retinas

I am sure of my devotion to you and how it is synonymous with how the moon will never give up on the sun, how the bees will never give up on daisies and how we will never give up on each other

I am broken
and I am mangled
and I am terribly sorry

but I am also blossoming with love and the burning urge to finally define 'forever' with you, if you'd let me.

your words fall like rain from the sky and here i lay, patiently waiting for the first drop to splash my skin and absorb into my soul

To feel like porcelain,
fragile and easy to break
is something I'm no stranger of
Now to feel like
stone,
solid and dense,
is something I know nothing of
But to feel like
oxygen,
impenetrable, flawless;
to be the air that fills your lungs
is all I aim to be.

Who are you?
What puts your mind, body and soul
In a state of tranquility?
What makes you who you are?
What is your purpose?
Why are you here?
Why do you live?
Why do you exist?

"There's no rush" , right?

Its not like life continues on without you,
Its not like life doesn't depend on you,
Its not like time won't come to your house for tea and biscuits to discuss your next move.

You go wherever the wind blows right?
But,
What do you do when the wind doesn't blow?

I haven't let emotions or thoughts flow out of my system,
I've just been holding **** in
And as a result
I am now emotionally, and mentally clogged
And that's just blocking any progress or productivity of my inner self.
Writing has even become so difficult to accomplish.

Sometimes you cry and no one sees your tears.
Sometimes you’re happy and no one sees your smile.
But **** just one time…

We're all trying to forget someone

My bitterness stems from the urge to hold onto things I can't control
I'm very controlling
A weakness
But you can imagine the struggle
You know how they say if you get chills someone walked on your grave?
You weren't only so disrespectful as to walk on my grave
You spit on it
And my skin still crawled with pleasure for you
It's like a sickness
It would be a honor to wake with Amnesia
I'd forget the way I let you push me around
My vocabulary lacks the words to remotely make your disgustingness look ravishing
And why would I?

you were unstoppable
you were addicted
not addicted to me
but addicted to lying to me

you lied about your story,
your background,
and most importantly
you lied about your feelings.

i woke up one day
just to realize
how every single word
you have ever said
was never true

you didn't mean what you said
and i knew it
And I stayed,
(Convincing myself that maybe,
Maybe you have a morsel of love for me.)
i felt it,
but you kept denying it
you kept saying you were telling the truth

do you even know what the truth is?

i doubt that you are unhappy
i doubt that you are lost
i doubt that you are lonely
i doubt that you are insecure

now i understand
i was just a game
that you kept winning

and now i am the game
you will always lose

i could've sworn
that the blood on my hands
was from killing my demons,
but when i woke up,
the scars were on my own throat
"I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim."

Where were you when he touched me where he shouldn't have?
Where were you when he bruised me from trying to over power me?
Where were you when he hammered the nail on the wall in my back?
Where were you when he painted my face with disgust?
Where were you when he traced his finger prints on my thigh?
Where were you when I needed someone to burst through that door and help me fight him off?
Where were you when I threw myself on my bed, drowning in my pool of tears?
Where were you to tell me it wasn't my fault he felt the need to violate me?
Where were you when he made me feel like I'm not human,
Like I'm an object.
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone high on testosterone?
Where were you when I had to protect myself from someone 5 times stronger than me?
Where were you when he made me fear stepping out the house?

Where are you when I lose my breath while passing his house?

Where are you on nights like these?
When I can't sleep because I'm terrified that he can walk in at anytime and finish off what he started.

Its not your fault that what happened, happened.
I'm just here, still devastated,
Asking myself where you were when that ******* explored me.

The air in my home
is heavy with my mom's unhappiness. And her exhaustion.
And her sheer dissatisfaction with her life.
And I hate it.
I can be locked up in my room when she's in the kitchen and I feel her despair seeping up through the doors and walls.

As she said to me,
"Have you ever felt suffocated by your own life?
Like life has trapped you in a corner and ******* whatever is left of you?"

No amount of strength that I contain can somehow give her a miniature motive to get back up.

God, this is awful.

I was a thousands of kilometers away from you,
And too many feet above you for you to even sense
my presence.
And now I'm a few kilometers closer to you,
And too little feet from you that you can reach up and grab me.

I'm seated next to a strange man, minding his own business
Yet, all I can think about are his curious fingers lingering over the partition and dancing on my thighs,
Retracing your steps,
Completing your task.

Tears conceived in my eye ducts by my pain and fear
urge to be birthed from my eyes at my happiest or
calmest moments.

Sometimes I want to see you slowly and accurately tortured,
Every slice, stab, hit, pull, push, and burn calculated
Then again,
I'm a forgiving person and I don't want to be the one to leave your sister brotherless, and your parents with the burden of having to bury their child.

I hate the fact that you made me so afraid,
I hate the fact that I feel so silenced
I hate the fact that justice couldn't be served
I hate the fact that you could be committing worse crimes unto other girls
I hate the fact that I need to cry right now

But most of all,

I hate the fact that you showed me how alone I am
and that a terrible person like you is the only person present.

the people living in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of the shadow of death
a light has dawned.

I want to grab on your feet
And make a fool of myself,
Begging you desparately to say you will never leave,
Behave irrationally.
But instead i will just lay here,
Praying you will call me yours

she loved him to death.

Then she came to realization with how toxic he was and instead of falling out of love, she fell harder.
Every passing day she fell a little harder,
a little faster,
a little sadder.
she became anxious,
obsessive,
hurt,
sad.

But one morning she awoke to realize that she in fact
fell
out
of
it.
she loved him. she still does. But she was in love with him until the death of the relationship.
Now she just loves him.
From afar.
From the knowledge.
From the happiness an individual gave her.

-nm

There's a funny thing about sadness
The way it surrounds you so you feel whole
Nothing else is let in
Except the sorrow and the pain
You can see the happiness
But never feel it
Want it
But not have it
There's a funny thing about sadness
How you become so familiar with it you can't feel anything else.

Let
me
fathom
my
melancholy
into
words

Your fingers trace me well,
No photograph or artist has ever painted such a picture
No man and no woman
Not that it matters
Scent pleasures every crevice,
and lays softly on my skin.
I hope it won't leave.
If only I could contain it,
with you. Here.
All the time.
No breath is ever deep enough.
the quiet only longs
to be interrupted
your lips,
my love,
your ears,
my dear,
your hips,
why return to the terrain?
It pains me not,
to feel,
every bit of you,
while you take
every part of me.
My thoughts, so appropriate.
Because, my love,
They do not exist.
They do not glare,
gossip,
wish,
question motives,
while we are one,
in our Eden,
where your love is fruitful.
I've found you,
in your smile,
your lips,
your laugh.
Hold me, as I show you who you are.
Playing games in our eyes,
and dancing with our hips.

love me for love's sake, that evermore
thou mayst love on, through love's eternity

i am hurting so much

I wish I could take my own life,

But how could I ever do that to you.

The storm has come and gone.

Time to rid ourselves of the heavy burdens and celebrate the homecoming of the light.

Everything is fine











But I wish I dead.

I ran.

Ran faster than I've ever run before.

Just ran.
I wasn't sure what I was running from,
I just knew it was bad.

Worse than I had ever seen before,
worse than you could possibly ever imagine.

Through the woods I went,
weaving through tree after tree.
I needed to get out of this dark place,
I needed to get out now.

Yet the trees kept coming,
outlined by the light of the full moon.
But then,
the trees were no longer trees.

I realized they were people.
Running with me,
pushing me along.

All the people and things I had ever been scared of-
when I was a kid, when I was older, now.

That man that scared me so bad when I was eight.

The monsters I had invented, under my bed.

The girl who I had seen cut herself,
the blood still dripping from her arm.

They all kept looking at me,
their eyes haunted me.
Their eyes.
Full of nothing but emptiness.

I looked around, terrified,
but they kept coming.
Running past me,
pushing me along.

And then,
with a sudden shudder of horror,
I realized something.
Something which stopped me dead in my tracks.

I was running the wrong way.

I was running towards the thing
that frightens me the most.

Above everything else,
the most powerful thing in my life.
But it was more than that,
with this thing.

It was full of fury,
full of love,
full of hate,
full of everything,
ready to scream,
scream to the world.

I didn't want to face that thing,
not now, not in a million years.
I panicked,
tried to turn and run away from it all.
Run into the mist,
that fog behind me.
Away from this creepy forest,
from all my fears.

Yet I couldn't.
They kept pushing me along,
closer and closer to the thing I fear the most.
I looked into their haunted eyes,
all of them empty yet so full.

Then all of the sudden,
I was alone again.
These fleeting images were no more;
it was just me and the trees.

But then, I started to turn,
and I knew it was there.
I kept turning and saw the outline
of that thing that scares me most.
I looked through the mist as it cleared,
ready to scream.
I didn't want to see it,
see it as it really was.

See the wrath of it,
the terror of it.
Yet something kept me turning towards it.

And then I looked.

There it was,
looking at me with the pain in its eyes.
I saw it clearer than anything else.
I was so terrified as I tried turning to run.
I could feel my legs trying to move,
trying to run as fast as possible.
But they weren't actually moving.
I was frozen in place, staring into its eyes.



Staring at myself.

Scared.
If you rearrange the letters
You get
Sacred.
Maybe fear is supposed to be something serene
Perhaps it is pure
So why am I so scared of sacred things?
A bed
A school
A home
All are supposed to be set apart
All are supposed to be safe
But I learned unspeakable things
In the back rooms of these places
That no one wants to discuss.
I am scared of sacred things
For all of these have been defiled for me
As a man has taken it upon himself
To break my hands and
To play God
To use me as his ****** Mary
I wish I understood virginity
I am scared of sacred things
I bled from the inside out
I was no longer white washed
Blood and bile encased my soul
And a black hole swallowed it whole.
I am scared of sacred things
He left me there and knew that should I blame him
My religion would beg of me to forgive his sins
So I never did
Instead I blamed myself.
I only existed under heavy sheets
Only let myself feel in dark places.
I am scared of sacred things
White dresses
Fairy tale weddings
Boys who promise to love you
Men who lie about love
Monsters who don't know what love is
In the first place.

****.

I'm so empty.

The only constant in my life is excruciating Anxiety,  
Lost sleep,                            
Loss of appetite,                    
All I ever think is "Why me?"  
I am becoming my own ghost,
And nobody even knows
that I am gone.
Every day is one step in the wrong direction.
Constant over thinking,
& The tightness in my chest is becoming overbearing.
Will I ever be someone that will be worth remembering?  
Will I ever climb out of this grave?
Will I ever live long enough to find out why, Why me?

I had the worst nightmare of my entire life last night.
Is it okay if I don't sleep for the next few days?

No amount of hot water or mild abrasives
could ever rid me off the scuffs you left,
no crudely colored soaps in queer little packaging,
could ever make me feel clean.

Your attempt to invade the deepest part of me.

I may act like its okay,
but silence is the loudest sound.

How do you know you are
ready to love?


You dont.

It hits you like a wave you never saw coming,
But the drowning doesnt hurt.
You breathe.

i thought i could love you as gently as rain falls to the earth
but my heart can only love in extremes, as fierce as a storm or not at all

Art Is Freedom.

Being able to bend things
That people see as a streight line.

I named my pillow after you

Hello 911,

It still hurts.

I   want   to   be   thisclose   to    you.

You left.
I won't forget how empty my hands felt
Or the bottles I grabbed to fill them
I had to drive through the valley of our silence
And my ears never bled so much
I have punctured knees and bruised hands from begging
And all that's left of my hope is the dust between my fingers
Days move along but time is still
And the clocks tick louder in the dark
But I've learned that shadows only exist when there's light
So I found comfort in the black
Where I can't see my existence
I can't see your absence
And all I can feel is the cold floor on my hollow chest
****** I need to feel you now.

I'd have a better chance breathing with collapsed lungs
But I'd use my last breath to tell you to stay.
Please stay.

I would love you if I could,

but I swear to God

his hands still glide over

my body in the night.

And his breath

still

warms my neck when I'm alone.