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762 · Jan 2015
I Crawl Away
Nathan Squiers Jan 2015
Who can say just what it is,
That has me on my knees.
Be it you or me...
Or the ghosts of yesteryear.

It's beyond all frame of thought,
Just why I'd be so weak.
Be it rapture or pain...
Or the memories of you.

Even still...
I crawl away.
Even still...
I cannot stop.
Though the past may be behind me,
A new ending yet awaits.
And so...
I crawl away...
And so...
I cannot stop.

For who can say just what it is,
That I'll crawl from come next year.
I've said in moments of darkness that we cope with that pain because the mystery of what new pain awaits is more intriguing than nothingness. Thought I'd play with that concept in a free verse piece.
756 · Mar 2014
The Kiss that Made me God
Nathan Squiers Mar 2014
My god came to me before my very birth--
Their radiant light a looming darkness on my soul--
And before my feet happened to touch upon the Earth,
I had tasted on Their lips the means t'make me whole.

Their lips showed the cosmos.
Their lips showed me distress.
Their lips left me comatose,
Crippled by their lips' duress.

My god appeared to me upon my birth--
My lips still mute and mind still mush--
To inform me that I'd proven my worth.
"It'll take time, my little one. There's no need to rush."

Their words showed me intellect.
Their words showed me euphoria.
There were beacons merged with derelicts;
The most glorious phantasmagoria.

My god appeared to me just now--
Smirking back in my reflection--
He told me that I'd done him proud,
That I'd become my god: perfection.

I'd showed myself the cosmos; the truest intellect.
I'd showed myself distress; the cruelest euphoria.
I was no longer comatose; not just a derelict.
I'm now the bringer of duress;
I'm now Phantasmagoria!
720 · Oct 2014
I'm a Monster
Nathan Squiers Oct 2014
You may not know me, but I want you to.
It's not vanity; I'm just warning you:
My life's a party, but there's pity too.
'Cuz I've been naughty, and the victim's you.

You see, it's a sea of blood rising to the ceiling
--see me there kneeling?--
Your heads reeling and a-reeling,
But you still think I'm so appealing,
'Cuz the feelings
I've got you feeling
feel like something
from a time that
feels like sometime
back when you used to bask in the sunshine...

BUT IN MY HEAD IT'S NIGHTTIME
And the sun sets in mine, too

You may not like me, and I don't want you to;
Though you know you do!
Your hate sustains me, and that brings pains to you;
You know it's true!
My life's an ****, and I'll ******* too;
But not like you want me to!
'Cuz the world's my plaything; and I'll break on through;
With or without you!

It's high-time for a time rift
--a thrift rhyme in a prime shift--
When my crimes make for signs
in the prized eyes of the beast inside.

Check the hour--see my power--as
you come to grips with what rips
you from the inside-out.

Your eyes drop to your watch...
and you watch eyes drop back.

Yes, I'm a monster; not just a spawned cur,
Not 'cause I'm a murderous beast--
not just that, at least--
But because I can see the beast in you,
Then coax it through.
I'm a loner, sure, but to endure eternity alone?
I'd rather spur a fellow cur; to breed more monsters!

And leave the zombified husks in the dirt.

You ask if I'm a monster.
Have you killed?
A ton, sure!
But show me one who hasn't.

It's unpleasant to say the least,
To admit that we're all beasts,
But which one of you has not entertained a murderous thought?
You see that sea of blood
--feel the feelings rising up--
And you dream of all the ways you'd just love to make them scream.

But they were only thoughts, sir! Surely I'm no monster!
Ah, but is harboring the thoughts so much more pure?

The thought's a plot from A-to-C; not felony,
but still... you see?
You see yourself from A-to-C--it's not insanity--
It's humanity; the monster lives inside of WE.
And the scene at C's the essence that they need to breath.

The C-scene you're seein's keepin' you sane, see?

Sure it's off track, but there's no denying solid fact.
It's not wrong to sing along with what's keeping you intact.
Say it with me now:
**I'm a monster.
713 · Feb 2014
All my Disguises
Nathan Squiers Feb 2014
I watch the world turn; it turns to night--
My masks wear burns; I scorn the fight--
Night bleeds and away it dies.
Then day's reborn with a rebuilt disguise.

I watch the skies go red through dreary eyes,
My flesh feels fake from all the lies.
Dusk creeps in and peels to truth,
And I take to the night with jagged tooth.

There's little left to pray or beg for,
Not when your face is not your own.
There's little hope when you're their *****,
Not when your skin's gone cold as stone.

I watch the clouds burn in crimson skies;
My real self trembles behind my eyes.
I'm left as less a man, though more a god;
One who, though so perfect, is so flawed.
710 · Sep 2014
"I've Yet to Finish"
Nathan Squiers Sep 2014
"Let me make one thing clear, hombre," The Suited Man spoke in a low, purposeful voice as he rolled a cigarette, wetting the corners with a serpentine tongue a moment before passing it over his upper lip, "I have watched--with great joy, I might add--the nature of death." Then, pursing the cylinder between his teeth and offering a wicked grin, he punctuated his upcoming point with an audible flick of his lighter. Exhaling a pungent cloud in my face, he rapped his left ring finger across the length. "Everything is aware of its mortality; everything. The rich, the poor, the holy and the sinners; the birds, the ***** bees, all those saved whales and every single one of the hugged trees. Every squirming, writhing, wiggling, wicked little creeper and crawler that has ever existed and may ever hope to exist... all of them. Even the ******* atoms in the air! All things know that they're doomed--it's why even the single-celled beings have all those defense mechanisms; all those..." he smirked, flicking an ash, "adaptations, yes?--and yet, from the massive to the miniscule, none of them face their mortality with near the greed nor the total lack of grace as your kind. You've known since you were a wee lad that you'd die, hombre, so why resent it now; why fight for more time? Another hour; another day--hell, I could hand you a written guarantee that you'd have another decade to do whatever you wanted..." he shook his head and pulled the cigarette from his mouth to flick the growing ash and admire the ghostly trail that ascended to the mist-swirling ceiling fan. As the contemplative moment passed, he returned the cigarette to his mouth and leaned closer to me, bringing his cold, black eyes so close to my own that my vision knew nothing more. "What would that decade mean to you? For me it is nothing--those like me do not worry much about trivial human fictions such as time and... well, all of this"--he waved about the room with his index finger--"So I hope you'll forgive my skepticism; understand that it's just my ignorance to your pervasively infantile beliefs." He rattled three of his bony fingers on his jutted chin, "Tell me why I should sympathize with your plight over all others who have pleaded with me before you. Explain, if you'd be so bold, why I should adopt your urgency as my own."

It took me some time to find my voice. Between the smell of his herb--something that, in all my years of debauchery and romances, I'd never encountered--and the fierceness of his presence, there was a sort of little death that had wormed its way into my thoughts. I fought to sit up, but did not have the strength. I struggled to clear my throat, but could not command my lungs to work as I wanted. I worked to wet my own lips, cursing the dryness of my dated mouth. Finally, I gave up; succumbing to the reality that my body was useless for the soul occupying it. There was nothing left of me but my wits, and it was my wits that I needed now more than anything.

I shut my eyes against his overwhelming stare.

I held my breath against his foreboding aroma.

And I let the soul say what it needed to say:

"Let me make one thing perfectly clear, good sir," the voice I heard barely sounded like my own, "I have watched--with utter disdain, I'll admit--the passing of life. I believe you when you say that everything knows it will die, and I also believe that almost everything deserves to die. Not because almost everything is wicked or evil, nor because I feel some contempt or hatred towards almost everything. As I lay here I'm certain there are many eager to see me go, and I not only respect their right to feel that way," my lungs abandoned my speech's momentum and I paused to take a rasped inhale, "but I agree that I deserve the mortality that's haunting me."

"Do you understand you've already wasted more of my time than I typically allow?" The Suited Man asked, aiming his pointer and middle fingers--and the smoking cigarette pinched between them--in my direction.

I nodded, finding strength enough to hold up my hand; silently begging for a moment longer. "Please, I won't be much longer... and once I'm finished, I'll accept whatever fate you decide with dignity."

The Suited Man chortled at that, "And silence, I hope."

"Yes," I sighed, "and that." With my company motioning for me to continue, I succumbed to the voice of the soul: "You deal in death, so you must have seen enough to know that, while those like you care little for time, it is what defines all those who perish. What, if not those minutes, those hours, those days, years, and decades, are we to value? You deal in death, so I can't ask you to understand why we fight to live. To you, a book is not worth reading because it has an end, and that end represents a lack of substance; but that book, like each and every soul, has a story to tell. And the only thing greater than the limited time each and every soul has is the stories we leave behind."

The Suited Main rolled his black eyes and flicked another looming tendril of ash, "You bore me with your rant, hombre, and my smoke, like you, is running out of life. Get to the point or accept mine." He took in a rattled breath to fuel a dark and hollow voice, "Why should I let you live?"

"Stories are the most important thing for anything that fears death, good sir," I fought my growing aches to move my hand to the stack of papers at my left; the stack perched blissfully beside my old, dusty typewriter. Patting the pages--taking a certain satisfaction in the nostalgic feel of the stock I'd long since grown loyal with--I cocked by quaking skull towards the desk and its contents. "And while I await the day you'll finally escort me from my desk, there's a story that I've yet to finish."

The Suited Man narrowed his black gaze at me--the two orbs shimmering like obsidian beneath his timeless lids--before the glow of his pupils shifted to the desk for a long, tortured moment. Without looking away from the stack I still rested my hand upon, he returned the dwindling cigarette to his lips and inhaled before letting out a long stream of smoke.

Though I didn't see him stand, he was on his feet then. I took in his height with the same terrified awe that I'd received the rest of him--his sudden appearance in my late husband's chair across the room; his impeccable awareness, or my unwavering understanding of his purposes; everything that made him who and what he was--and allowed him to continue his long, tortured moment in gazing at the desk that had, just as much as the hours and days and years, come to define my life.

Then he was gone; him, his smoke, and the terror he radiated.

Letting out a labored breath, I struggled to turn towards my desk, trying to recall where I'd left off in my manuscript. As I settled in, I caught sight of a clean page secured in the feed of the typewriter with the only evidence that I hadn't been alone:

"YOU HAVE YOUR DECADE, HOMBRE. SPEND IT WELL, AND SAVE ME A COPY OF YOUR STORY."
Not really a poem in the traditional sense, but the overall theme was more poetic so I figured all you lovely HP folks would appreciate a little more ;-)

Hope y'all enjoy ^_^
707 · Oct 2014
You WILL Remember Me!
Nathan Squiers Oct 2014
The gated gap between us--built of miles and time zones--
Made you oblivious; so certain that you'd be blind to my wounds.
You cherished every rolling hill and stretching road that kept you alone,
But hills were climbed and roads traversed so you'd be consumed!

I'd nearly died so many times--my own hand my fated doom--
But you'd built your walls to lock me out, and barred away my cries.
Well, old man, now's the time to see you've only built yourself a tomb,
And that, while my words live on, it shall be your arrogance that dies.

Ignorant, old condescending fool; a rotting sack of wasted promise,
I've built my throne from the bones of the soldiers you've sent--
Your heinous words, you ignoramus ****, are a hymn to my success--
And I'm ready to break your spine (since your soul's already bent)!

Tell me now about your paints while I scribble with your blood!
Come now, dear father, come bask in your flood!

I'll open veins above you and reign with a rain of ink!
You think I'd be just like you? Here comes another think!
I'm twice the man with four times the wit;
All the grit without an ounce of ****!
Let me slit my throat on quill-pen tip,
And watch you choke upon my quip.
Your ***** are tethered to a weathered brick of bitter remorse,
While I conduct a mantra diction of contradicted course.

I won't say you're dead to me; you're worth much more intact.
While there's many who can fit the mold, you help me construct losers--
The fodder I write just to slaughter; I've killed you frequently, in fact--
So when I need a worthless sack of **** you're the one I choose, sir!

So thanks for that, you beatnik ****; I'll **** it on your epitaph!
And I'll do it all for free!
This ain't a vindictive son bellowing slander just for grandeur, no sir!
This is an oath to an old oaf that, though I can't remember your voice,
You WILL remember me!
Venting.
694 · Jun 2015
pier-AH-mid
Nathan Squiers Jun 2015
I
can
SEE
that no
other man
WILL ECHO IN
your eyes. i can see that i
STAND ATOP THIS PYRAMID.
but i can't see over the peak just yet.
AND I CAN'T STAND ON THE BOARDS
of your pier any longer. it's not a question of my place
in your horizon, but a question of how you perceive my climb.
684 · Mar 2014
A Hunter's Haiku
Nathan Squiers Mar 2014
I hear their heart beat
Sound drives an eternal thirst
My fangs... how they ache!
In the end, I'm a vampire author first :-p
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
To all the fractured nobodies of all my shattered yesterdays,
I'll shed my tears and offer blood from wounds I've yet to wear.
And though they bore into my soul in such excruciating ways,
It was the hurt they offered me that made me shift my gaze.

But are the weapons that I wield really mine to bear,
Or just another borrowed gift I cling to in a haze?
Surely they won't work against the ghosts I've come to share,
But those from my shattered yesterdays cannot be made to care...
683 · Nov 2014
Bits of You (A Grim Haiku)
Nathan Squiers Nov 2014
You were quick to calm--
To see things my way for once--
When you saw the bits.
668 · Dec 2013
Blue and Hollow
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
There were times when I forced myself to rise--
To climb above the torment and turmoil in your eyes--
Only to see that soaring was the worst thing I could do,
And I was forced to try to find the truth beyond the lies.

There were times when I had hoped we could begin anew;
I'd pray and bide both time and mind that was something we could do.
But the torment and the turmoil became a tough act to follow,
And I was forced to cast aside all dreams of the untrue.

You dropped me when I needed you.
My skin chipped and fell away.
All my weakness flaked aside.
And only strength was left to stay.

Now you're beneath the hammer.
Now you're under the knife.
Now I'm your source of chaos.
Now I'm your source of strife.

Though you might find my purposes difficult to swallow,
I assure you with all I have become that what I say is true.
And when you fall don't wait for me to follow.
You'll come to find that--unlike me--inside you're blue and hollow.
638 · Nov 2014
Ripped Loose
Nathan Squiers Nov 2014
**** yea...
The ***** let me out: heart and soul!
All mine now; just me against the world.

(But we'll worry about the Apocalypse later)

For now? A kiss? A caress? A tribute; I demand it!
Been too long since I tasted the honey of a woman--
Locked away from ***** like a celibate ******--
It's ******* barbaric!

(But we'll worry about the Apocalypse later)

In the whole-wide-word
There's a world of holes made to be wide.
Ripped loose...
Ripped loose...
Ripped loose...

*(But we'll worry about the Apocalypse later)
*shrug*
631 · Apr 2014
c***rolled
Nathan Squiers Apr 2014
(I've become cuntrolled; unrolled)
I am just a cog.
A rusted gear in the shady mechanics of your whim.
(I'd better do what I've been told)
The key with which you wind away my time.
Your eyes are now a bog.
An abysmal oasis of regret that I must always swim.
(You paid with lies, so now I'm sold...)
But I suppose the punishment fits the crime.
(Just a slave being cuntrolled)
If the asterisks in the title weren't enough of a heads-up then any offense taken is deserved.
611 · Dec 2013
Undead Romance
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
Ivory seeks ruby,
Scarlet finds porcelain.
A dark curtain enshrouds,
As a bright light beckons.

Her stained lips quiver,
A kiss of death for an eternal life.
His glassy eyes flutter,
And all he can see is her.

She’s lost in her love.
Her passion: undying.
She takes from him everything…
While offering more.

He slips from her arms,
And into dark dreams.
And a ****** tear trails,
Down his sated lover’s cheek.
583 · Jan 2014
PALE ANTHEM
Nathan Squiers Jan 2014
A half-filled cup,
What do you see?
A horrid life?
Or serenity?

Now what if some cruel ******,
Came and drank the rest?
Can you still find the good inside?
Does it even exist?

And this is the mindset,
That we teach our young:
Enjoy all the potential,
Before it is all gone.

And all the laughter we once knew,
Has become a painful sin.
All that's left is all the tears,
That we fight to keep within.

And so we take that empty glass
And smash it on the floor.
We let the shards into our lives,
So we can finally feel once more.

Fight for the right to live!
Fight for the right to laugh!
And when someone gets in your way,
Empty their ******* glass!
These are song lyrics that I wrote for my award-winning novel, "Curtain Call: A Death Metal Novel"
564 · Jan 2014
The Human Reign
Nathan Squiers Jan 2014
We drift along on broken math,
Guided by a razor's path,
Into heightened stages of personal lows.

We force half-cocked purpose--
Self-proclaimed surplus--
Into the crusted womb of eternal truth.

We lace love with hatred,
Defend that "It's what they did,"
And use this logic to do it all again.

We wear electric faces,
Succumb to a digital stasis,
And let binary become our very blood.

But rest assured we care!
We shall combat despair,
As soon as our erections have gone soft.

We detest the rest--
******, WE'RE the best!--
But genuine success is just too hard.

We shall commit to change.
It just need be arranged,
Around our favorite television shows.

And so it goes, though no one knows,
Into the record books:
The reign of man--a pain to stand--
Just a dynasty of schnooks!
555 · Dec 2013
Lost and Found
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
Winding!
Weaving!
A whirlwind of a world!

To be one,
Then the other.
Both…
But Neither.

Fang and nail;
Tooth and  claw.
The constant pain of the exchange.
Fur and flesh;
Grunt and growl.
But worth it all the same

A wolf in sheep’s clothing,
With malice in his grin.
A bone-deep bane.

Horror… Terror

When Beauty
Is
The beast!

Know thyself: a monster…
477 · Dec 2013
I Remember...
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
Your death’s still fresh!
Like a newborn,
Everyday
Emerging into my mind!
Blossoming!
Forever here to stay!

Recollections of your ******—
Oh! What a blessed time!—
Keep me warm at night
As I relive that treasured crime!

Memories of that moment;
Of your long awaited demise
Always are a part of me,
And replay in my eyes.

I remember how you cried.
I remember all your screams.
I remember when you died.
I relive it in my dreams.

You twisted ******* *******
I hope you rot in Hell.
And when I die and descend
I’ll torture you as well!

I am what you made of me.
You were the birth of your own death.
And the monster that I’ve become
Was born of your last breath.
This is one of the songs I wrote to accompany "Curtain Call: A Death Metal Novel" (now available on Amazon). This was the first novel I'd written that incorporated any sort of poetry/poetic attempts, and though the narrative (nearly 80,000-words) took only five weeks to write, the songs (each less than a page in length and totaling to about 25 different "tracks") took a torturous three weeks.

I gained a whole new degree of respect for song writers with this project.
469 · Jun 2014
She was Pale
Nathan Squiers Jun 2014
She was pale--
So much so that it hurt to stare--
And her hair
Cascaded like a fluid curtain over her slim shoulders.
Her eyes
Were large and brought about memories of childhood wonder,
But with a darkness that sent a cold shiver down one's spine.
Her lips,
Seemingly the only part of her that was still alive and vital,
Were the color of overripe raspberries,
And as they peeled back one witnessed their doom...
Ancient (and, by that, I mean about 4-5 years old) poem that I dredged up from the deepest darkest regions of cyberspace from way back when. Really had no idea what to do with it or whether it was worth anything more than sentimental nostalgia, but here it is :-p
451 · Dec 2013
WTF...
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
There once was a man who did cry,
While screaming “She’s dead!” at the sky.
And while it was day,
It would appear that way.
But with the coming of night he would die.
This is what happens when I overhear some teenagers changing "There once was a man from Nantucket" while I'm working on my novel...
433 · Dec 2013
Vertical Descent
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
Tis the hour when They creep—
Humming tortured lullabies—
Every night, before you sleep,
You should offer your goodbyes.

Leaving fervent trails of death
In every moment you draw breath.
Viral: in a Hellish way.
Eager to feed off your decay.

I** know that you can’t see Them now;
Not where you are, anyhow…

You mustn’t let Them see you know,
Or nothing will be left, you see.
Under shadows They will wait;
Readying Their final blow.

Never let Them eat your eyes!
I’ve seen what use They have for those!
Granted, They are good with lies;
Holding you within Their throes.
Though this is true, you must resist—
Must not give them up, my son—
As, though you may be on Their list,
Rarely is there only one!
Even if the nightmare dies,
Some will remain to find your eyes.
431 · Dec 2013
Tears Within Your Eyes
Nathan Squiers Dec 2013
The agony of loss is more than you can bear,
And it grows harder to disguise
That what once brought joy is no longer there.
And there are tears within your eyes.

It’s hard to see a future through vision hazed by pain.
It’s hard to find the truth when all you hear are lies.
It’s hard to see the sunlight when all you find is rain.
It’s hard to see you’re not alone when there are tears within your eyes.

Though the flesh is fleeting, the memory strives on.
You hold their memory in your heart, and true love never dies.
It is with through immense power that they’re never truly gone.
But, though this truth may ring true, there are still tears within your eyes.

The agony of loss makes it hard to heed the word
And though your tear-filled gaze hides the truths,
That our tear-filled eyes are just as blurred.
So, through the hurt of our lost youths,
Find solace that your pain
Is not yours to shoulder alone,
And the world will become clear again.
This piece was written for a charity anthology that would go on to benefit the families of those impacted by the Newtown Elementary School shooting.
330 · Feb 2014
Any Like You
Nathan Squiers Feb 2014
There will never be any like you,
Who can do to me what you can do.
I'm sure of this, Miss,
With your crippling kiss,
Which is why I'll put an end to you, too.

— The End —