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 Mar 2018 Nathan Porter
sarah
i don’t know what to do. i want you more than i want to breathe. you set every part of my being aflame and bring chills to my spine at the mention of your name. my heartbeat quickens when you’re near, but in your arms, there’s nowhere i’d rather be but here. your green eyes peer into mine and in that moment, i feel divine. just a bit of your attention is enough to keep me satisfied as i sit and wait all day for your reply. there’s nothing i can do to sate this feeling in my heart, because when we’re apart, i think of you only, and you think of any and everything but me. i can’t get your face out of my head, as you are the first thought on my mind when i wake up and the last before i fall asleep. you are my joy on a good day and my solace on a bad. you are the clock on my bedside table, the first sip of tea i drink in the morning, the keys to my car, and the hollow knock at the door. you are the sun, the moon, and all of my stars. and i know that it’s love like an ache in the jaw, but there’s nothing i can do. you made your intentions clear, but ****. i really want you here.
 Feb 2018 Nathan Porter
Jude
I despise myself for not being someone you could love.
The Night King Ego died...

The time, the place, the setting:

T'is some hour for sleep, prescribed,
For me, the reality of sleep, proscribed.

The strains of Bach's
Orchestral Suite No. 3 in D Major
Haunt.
Richard II's words
Give pause, precision refinement of my cause courant.

“No matter where; of comfort no man speak:
Let's talk of graves, of worms, and epitaphs;
Make dust our paper and with rainy eyes
Write sorrow on the ***** of the earth”


Two am in New York, sleep,
As advertised,
Literally, a passing acquaintance,
Doesn't make it to
The side of the bed occupied by
100% of me.
Seems he went
From chimney to chimney
This past Sunday morn.
Not having a chimney,
He flue right over me.

No matter.
Company aplenty,
Ego and moi,
We, had a long talkie.
A bit of a wrestle, a staring contest
In a mirror, we watched ourselves,
In the pitch black
where clarity is perfect,
For nothing else exists,
But ego and me,
To distract us.

“I'll read enough
When I do see the very book indeed
Where all my sins are writ, and that's myself.
Give me that glass and therein will I read.
No deeper wrinkles yet? Hath sorrow struck
So many blows upon this face of mine
And made no deeper wounds?
O flattering glass,
Like to my followers in prosperity
Thou dost beguile me!”


Called my lawyer just now,
ordered her to commence
the divorce papers, serve them ASAP,
I need to rid myself of
My oldest nemesis, my oldest friend,
Mine vanity, my ego.

Let me explain
myself to myself.
You may tag along for the ride.

Writing is more important
than any of the individual
Five senses
That feed this addiction.
Without sound, sight, touch, smell and taste,
I can live quite well,
Thankee.

But ****** boy mind needs to write
Simple survival.
No write, no life.

But ****** bad boy ego is a curse,
A contaminate of each and every
Line, stanza,word and verse.

"Infusing him with self and vain conceit,
As if this flesh which walls about our life,
Were brass impregnable, and humour'd thus
Comes at the last and with a little pin”


At first, for an audience of three
I performed,
Me, myself and I.

But the suckiness creepeth in,
and etches my distorted face,
Salutations and gradations,
demanding confirmation
Of Shakespearen magnification.

Do you like me?
Do you love me?
****** all.

Curse ye King Ego and your vainglorious occupations,
Divorce me, from the sad isle of
Self
Self worth,
Pride, vanity insurance,
The most deadly of the seven
Deadly sins.

Ego desperate in kind responds:

"I live with bread like you, feel want,
Taste grief, need friends: subjected thus,
How can you say to me, I am a king?”


Slime and slippery, want is what you feel,
Taste grief, need friends,
Sly devil, you twist thy cunning tongue,
The reverse, your plain meaning!
You need nothing but subjects,
In earnest and forever praise,
Absent them, you mood and whine,
A pretender, a poseur, a drug addict cursed!

Let us purpose to dispose of thy spirit earthly,
Slow starvation too good for you,
Poison, arrows, the hilt of my blade,
The neck, thine bowel,
Let me embrace,
Prefer your steel hot or cold?

If we both must expire, then it be so, for
My honor taken, my life forsaken,
My poetry in disrepute,
Until that day when I write for me alone,
And ally my scripts, in coffin, with me interred.

"My dear, dear Lord,
The purest treasure mortal times afford
Is spotless reputation; that away
Men are but gilded loan or painted clay...
Mine honor is my life; both grow in one;
Take honor from me, and my life is done.
"
PostScript:
Number me thus, in the company of
The good but the forgot,
Still will be of cheer goodly,
For tho ***** could not be saved,
Not one good man found in the ****** lot,,
Except for one, the truest audience of one,
Thus I will be saved, thus, call me, Lot.

-----------------------
My battle to destroy my ego is minute to minute hand to hand combat.  That is me, and my truth.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Fully expect a few reads and even fewer "likes."
Which if the poem you comprehend, that would be,
Validation.
Life is a melody
      You can listen to only once.

    The first thirty seconds, you find the groove,
         it's appealing
    A harmonious rhythm hereto unwritten
                    
       This could be your favorite.


 
             It is.
       For the next three minutes, you settle in.
               The chorus comes around.

          *You'll be here again.

                  It's fresh, it's catchy
You're enraptured by these certain pitches and the words rhyme perfectly.
   One line flowing into the next, the ends justifying the means.
       Another verse, another chorus. This one feels more weathered
          Routine, maybe. You still feel that groove but your perspective of it has been altered by the change in tempo and direction during the last verse.
               

           You realize you have fifteen seconds left.
         This was your song. What did you do with it?


       *As you think back, a gentle blanket of white noise embraces everything that ever was, and your song fades
Let me know how you feel.
Ink
I'm the author of my life,
but, unfortunately,
I'm writing in ink and can't erase my mistakes.
One morning I held a funeral for no one else to see;
Laying in my full sized coffin I mourned the loss of me.

When I left my body and I scrubbed away my sin;
Took one last look down at my shell- now tired, worn, and thin.

I'm lost now in an empty hall of a haunting memory;
An in between, my own little hell, of his smile following me.
this ones new- rhymes?
 Oct 2017 Nathan Porter
BR
He drew a figure eight on my spine, absentmindedly,
and traced the nape of my neck with his fingertip when he said,
“You are beautiful to me.”

But the ellipsis in the silence spoke louder than he did, and the look in his eye was not born because I was lovely;
It was not because he loved me.

A thing too small for love-
But far too large to be lust;

Simple. Ugly.

He looked at me like he was hungry.

So sweetly he critiqued each curve, every line, blurring my edges with the images of every bent perception pulled from the mire of his mind;

and I
could not
satisfy


Pretty innocence diminished in the grip of his vice,
Pressed tight against my body, despised in dark eyes.
I am not the inhuman creatures you contrived in the middle of the night.
I am not the feminine expression of your ******* pride.

What a wicked crime,
to take a woman’s body and leave the woman behind.
 Jun 2017 Nathan Porter
Poetic T
My mind is full of static, like a motion of
Black & white snow descending on my
Reflections that are now being secluded
From the other.

Contours of barely visible echoes shudder beneath
The enveloping suffocation that is my own worst
Enemy. Blaming those secluded for the emptiness
Decaying underneath the sheath of nothingness.

I want to see the colour of red and white bleed from
My visual cortex, claiming them as slaves of my
Celled prison that I'm concentrated within.
Bone is stronger than reflections as I just stare within myself
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