i don’t know what to do. i want you more than i want to breathe. you set every part of my being aflame and bring chills to my spine at the mention of your name. my heartbeat quickens when you’re near, but in your arms, there’s nowhere i’d rather be but here. your green eyes peer into mine and in that moment, i feel divine. just a bit of your attention is enough to keep me satisfied as i sit and wait all day for your reply. there’s nothing i can do to sate this feeling in my heart, because when we’re apart, i think of you only, and you think of any and everything but me. i can’t get your face out of my head, as you are the first thought on my mind when i wake up and the last before i fall asleep. you are my joy on a good day and my solace on a bad. you are the clock on my bedside table, the first sip of tea i drink in the morning, the keys to my car, and the hollow knock at the door. you are the sun, the moon, and all of my stars. and i know that it’s love like an ache in the jaw, but there’s nothing i can do. you made your intentions clear, but ****. i really want you here.

you haven't always been this way. you haven't always dreamt of death, or thought of a million ways that someone could die. you haven't always longed for death's sweet embrace or packed your clothes into every suitcase, without a clear destination. remember the time your dreams had died, asphyxiated by their unlikeliness and lack of pride? remember when you heard you could do anything, as long as you tried? tell me about the night your ex-lover left, without a trace, and your heart swelled as you longed for their gentle embrace. tell me about all the times you thought of leaving, but couldn't, because you can't escape what's in your mind. tell me about your thoughts, the ever-unpleasant trojans in your head, taking your dreams and striking them dead. tell me about your obsession with the night sky. is it because you can't see destruction in the dark, or because that was the only time you felt truly high? tell me about the night you lied awake with tears in your eyes drowning your dreams and little white lies. tell me about the time you destroyed yourself and picked up the pieces to rebuild someone else. tell me about the lies you spoke and how each one felt like a dagger down your throat. somehow you always have three words flitting from your tongue, you're not afraid to say them, you're only afraid of what's to come, so, tell me about the pills, and how when you popped one in, the world popped out of focus. tell me why you always set an alarm, is it because you're afraid that one day, you're never going to wake up? tell me, do you even want to wake up?

i am the shattered glass, cold on the ***** floor
swept and disposed of because i can't be used anymore.
my pieces are scattered, ruined and cracked, unable to be fixed, unable to revert to intact.
i am a tainted shard, scratching and severing all that i touch
with jagged edges, i seem to pierce and graze the ones that i love.
pieces of me have dispersed left and right, pieces of me that i cannot retrieve nor can i rectify.
and after you swept me off of the cold, ***** floor
you simply selected another glass, so you could break it once more.

with your hands wrapped around my neck,
you choked me to death.
you asked for any last words, and
"i love you" escaped as my very last breath.

the universe birthed you,
you were crafted from the very building blocks of life.
your hair, streaked by the moon and your skin, pigmented by the sun
constellations were loaded in your eyes and the energy of the world in your fingertips
the galaxies fuel your everlasting soul and the trees bask in the light from your illuminating mind
your thoughts are fractals and fragments of comets from far away
and your body, the gegenschein in the dark matter that’s unseen each and every day
the bang that’s said to have begun creation was the pitter-patter of your heart
because my darling—you were the start.
i know sometimes you feel like a dying star,
but my love words cannot tell you how beautiful you are.
and i do know that this isn’t much, but i do hope it’ll make you feel somewhat better—and such because you are the cosmos, the universe, and all that is within it.

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

she only treated me carelessly, but i loved her endlessly.