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May 2018 · 754
Mother Dearest
Nathan Porter May 2018
Mother Dearest, Dearest of all
A helper and lover, to all who call
Mother Dearest, Life-Giver to ourselves
I don't know how to tell you
Your love is life to all of us
Mother Dearest, Kindest to the world
You'll rebuild what has been broken,
Like toy blocks fallen on the floor
Mother Loveliest, most beautiful of life
Your smile whiles away the pain,
it cures me of strife
Mother Friendliest, most caring in my heart
You've turned words into a treasure trove
A gorgeous work of art
Mother Wisest, most guiding and most fair
Although I'd object to grounding
You most of all make it seem better just to share
Mother Kindest, most helpful and most sweet,
You have changed the fields of ashen crops
To bounties filled with wheat
Mother Dearest, You're all around the best
And if you'll permit, at your behest
Mother Dearest, I'd like to carry on
For pages and pages, as ever you read on
But Mother, can't you see? The greatest Love I'll ever know, is the one you give to me.
Happy Mother's day all!
Mar 2018 · 484
Writing
Nathan Porter Mar 2018
An author's power
Touched on in the past
Capable of hurting or healing
Of breaking us like glass

An author's gift
Of format and text
It's always hard to say
If they've been cursed or blessed

An author's choice
To craft sweet or sour
Crushing or lifting
Taking or gifting
Words like a rainshower
Wetting my eyes

An author's quest
A story to tell
Giving their best

An author's end
Poor or rich
Known or obscure
Still never better than the rest

Do we all or deserve better?
Do they deserve richer?
An author's life
riddled with grief
with rich, with poor, with worry, with glee
Is there hope for their future? a glimmer of happy ever after?
I suppose
One day,
We'll see
A short poem regarding the life of someone close to me.
Nathan Porter Dec 2017
Forgiveness is a fickle friend
Granting second chances
Giving hope for future changes
Building us up after we've torn each other down

But receiving it is somehow harder than gifting
Acknowledging that yes, you do need forgiveness
You've messed up and it's time to own up

Somehow it's harder than apologizing
Because with an apology you have the comfort of confession
but with forgiveness you have only the journey back to trust

Decisions, decisions, trust or patience?
Earning or forgetting?
We have to choose one or the other
And yet either can be harder than the other
as easy as they seem to choose from
Enacting them remains a long hard journey,
or an easy forgetting of why you needed forgiving in the first place

Remember, remember, mistake or malice?
Anger or sorrow?
We are responsible for one or the other
and yet either is as hurtful as the other
As evil as one seems over the other
Enacting them leads to a long hard journey
or a heated retraction of care of the ones whom forgave you in the first place

Loving, loving, choice or chemical?
Lusting or caring?
We can always prioritize one over the other
and yet one is not necessarily better or worse than the other
As shallow as one seems over the other
if either piece was missing
there would be no forgiveness in the first place.
Nov 2017 · 209
Guilt (reprised)
Nathan Porter Nov 2017
An angry acid boils
As I felt my stomach churn
The voice of my loved one filled with tears
As against her my words turn
The day we’d feared with constant dread
The day I thought wouldn’t happen before I’m dead

The actions of that day led to heartbreaking things
I felt as though a demon, tearing away her wings

Guilt leading to my own demise
Knowing I can no longer rise
Never again seeing the light of her face
All because of the tears rolling down my angel’s face
Oct 2017 · 387
That Nasty Voice
Nathan Porter Oct 2017
I typed at the speed of my sprinting mind
Trying to explain what lives in my head
But after a while, come morning time
I have slight hope that he is dead.

But every evening
Brings to me more suffering
As I realize nothing can ****
The demon that calls itself part of me.

When my mind is groggy
He wakes and speaks for me
Treating all my friends shoddily
And ruining what love remains for me

The man that speaks from inside
Is like a cancer growing within
As constantly he will deride
My attempts to change away from sin

I have no name for this monster
And I cannot claim that he is an excuse
But I know I'm not this awful other
And a decent explanation is impossible to produce.

An explanation
Remember when?
An explanation
Drove me to no end?

Insanity caused by the simplest of statements.
That's not me.
And yet this monster can escape any containments
And he is always angry.

It's my turn to give an explanation
A truth that brings small satisfaction
But you of all deserve to know
This monster coming when it rains on my brow

I cannot call him my delusion
For surely he is no illusion
I cannot call him my depression
For surely that was fixed with confession.

WHO ARE YOU?
why do you live within me so?
Tearing into me, making me blue
I just wanted to watch the **** show.

Are you done now?
Can you please
Leave ME ALONE NOW
let me have peace

Breaking my heart and the hearts of my friends
I send you away as fast as I can
I'm leaving now
I"m taking a stand
And so I exit
Stage up to heaven
And you can leave
Stage straight down to hell.
I've decided to write about something we all struggle with, temptation and aggression, I hope you enjoy.
Oct 2017 · 89
My Younger Side
Nathan Porter Oct 2017
If ever there was
A younger me
Whose ambitions
Once taller than the tallest tree
I’d like to ask that younger I
What exactly he thought of me

And perhaps he’d look into my eyes
And see the guilt of my past
Perhaps he’d see within my gaze
The burning pain, the blazing wrath.

And possibly
That younger me
Would know exactly what to say
And he would look once more at me
And tell me, “Stay,”
“Stay alive, stay aloft, carried on the love of your self.”
But I have no such love, perhaps I’d reply
And that is when he’d look once more in my eyes.

“You’re hurting inside, your pain is beyond.
“Aching within, I cannot stare long
“Your eyes are as maelstroms, they completely confound
“And I see now that you failed to stay strong.”

You’ve seen to the heart of the matter, my friend
Perhaps you see now why I do not fear my end.
“You seek to die?”
No, I merely do not care that I’m at risk of it.
“You don’t seek to live.”
Not any longer than is my fate.
“You do not see what is clear to me.”
Do tell, myself, why don’t you tell me?
“If you seek to cease life, you’re still killing yourself.”
That’s confident of you, my small little friend
Why would you believe I’m searching for my end?
“Because, Older me, I know you better than most.”
“And I pray that forgiveness will be ours from the Heavenly Host.”
Oct 2017 · 98
Untitled
Nathan Porter Oct 2017
You were never mine
I treated you so, although
You are not a mine
for golden love that brightly shines so

I only truly knew you
After I released myself from you

I handed you all my breath
To calm you down
And give you health
I showed you your own crown
And you commanded with zealous craft

I thought I was helping
I thought it was worth it
But I see no fruit forthcoming
No way to tell what I’d tried had been accomplished.

I made the effort,
I gave every ounce of me
But I received no recourse
No helping hand from thee.
Oct 2017 · 79
Generic Sad Title
Nathan Porter Oct 2017
The person was lonely.
This person was unused to such a feeling.
The person was solemnly
Studying their bedroom ceiling.

If the person looked hard enough
They could see another’s face
If the person ignored the life that was rough
They could ignore their fall from grace.

The other’s face mocked them so
It teased and prodded the human
It made their face go all aglow
as rage grew deep down within

But the rage withered
and the sorrow conquered
And the contemplative human
Knew he was still not a man.

He rose and fell down once again
His body rendered useless as it had been.

Struck down by the face that mocked his very being
The one he’d promised all to
The one he thought that he could believe in
The one he knew could’ve flew
If only she’d chosen to be within
His heart as well as his home.

But he lost his faith,
his body and soul broken
****** away by a terrible wraith

His mind, usually so outspoken,
chose to reside within instead.

He lived within his broken body
His soul not much better off.
And when one night she came back dripping
There was no one there to dry her off.

She’d left and he’d sent his soul away after
For he knew he could not take it anymore
For she could never how how madly he was enraptured
and how quickly his body faded, dangerous and sure.
Sep 2017 · 69
Who needs love?
Nathan Porter Sep 2017
The least ignorant
know the answer intrinsically.

The commoner knows little
But asks barely and distantly
When they do bother to wonder aloud.

And if someone is curious enough to ask too many a time
The crowd points them out and cries out "insanity!"
Jun 2017 · 134
Explanation
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
I’m not asking for an excuse,
I’m not saying I feel abuse

But my mind and my soul
Lacking explanation, stay cold.

Surprises promised, love attached,
Care for me, explanations lack

You claim incapability,
You claim to not see me

Your explanations lack gravity
And truth is lacking as far as I can see

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME?
WHAT’S WRONG, WHAT’S LACKING FROM ME?
HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG?
WHY CAN’T YOU SEE?
THIS ISN’T A JOKE
YOU’RE HURTING ME!

I regret yelling that,
But I know I can’t take it back
You tell me not to erase poetry,
But that isn’t me, that screaming banshee.

I should stop
Cease and desist
Overreaction
I just wish to be kissed

But I can’t stop overthinking
What do you mean?

Is there a reason you won’t meet my eyes?
Is there any possibility of lies?

I know the answer
Burning in me like a cancer

Killing my will
Trying harder still

Pining for your gaze,
You won’t meet my eyes
I try to count the ways
It’s possible that I’m despised

You laugh as you say it,
You won’t hold my only contact,
My heart still being crushed
Forced to be compact

Why is it funny?
What have I missed?
Why are you laughing?
What’s so funny about destroying my existence?

Not even a glance.
There wasn’t a chance
The lack of your eyes
Stabs like a lance

I don’t understand,
What’s the surprise?
What’s so important?
It matters more than my eyes?

My chest is burning
My throat in flames
Is there a reason?
An explanation for my pains?

An explanation would solve all
And save my heart, before it falls
I hear your name from my heart
As out for you it calls.
But I can’t cry
The tears refuse
But in your gaze
I wasn’t allowed refuge

Overthinking the whole thing
Of that I’m the king
You’d think by now my head would ring
With all the times, to you I cling

Overprotection is an excuse
Overreaction is the truth
The only real explanation
Is the shame that comes with my emancipation

Freedom leading to my demise
My words coming back, this time as cries
Jun 2017 · 113
Scars
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
The literal marked difference,
My pleads you pay no deference
Your eyes so beautiful, brimming with pain
My worry unrestrained
You couldn’t ever know
How long the scars would show
You can see the marked difference
My pain matches yours
But my skin is unmarked,
Clean down to my pores
Despite my clear skin
To feel this is no win
To make a claim to pain
You must first understand the magnitude of mine
To emphasize is never fine,
if your pain is as acute as mine,
Superbly feeling every pain
I can understand your shame.
My eyes ever moist
I can understand your choice
For this pain requires distraction
And that leads to self destruction
But I don’t care about the normal pain
It's far less acute than this
My heart, it turns and twists
My pain transferred to wrists
No matter how much I may be missed
No matter my no more kiss
I can never again feel your bliss
I just can’t EVER HANDLE THIS
THIS WAS NEVER WHAT I WISHED
And your face is sadder now
I’ve left for good now
You seem to miss me as much as I knew you would
And I always knew you never could
Handle it when I left,
Your tearful face kills me more than the blood lost
As into another world I have crossed
I send my final goodbyes
A miniscule note
You don’t seem to realize
I never awoke
From the dream of our future,
I shattered it myself
Now you must put it away,
On a far distant shelf
Find another one, I urge
Someone who won’t come along and purge
Your emotions from you, my loving prince
Keep someone else here, with less of a price.
Jun 2017 · 99
Best Friends
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
My mother’s best friends I never knew
Because I believe, no, I’m certain
that trust of other people she eschewed
As behind fake smiles she hid her pain behind a curtain

My own best friends, I ever called my allies
But I was a child then, and I gave them no fights

My new best friends, among them, my bestest.
I seem to fight rarely, but that could always change
To ask them for help, my always request.
But maybe it’s time to expand my range.

Maybe one day I’ll have newer best friends
And with them I’ll achieve childhood again.

But perhaps my greatest dream is to make friends of my enemies
Because if being around them changes from bitter chilled freeze
To a whole, nice, summer breeze
Perhaps I would never treat my true friends unkindly

But even beyond that
For my daughter of the future
For my lovely little girl
I will make pals of the monsters under the bed
Just so she can sleep smiling, as stories to her are read.
Jun 2017 · 82
Happiness
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
For the first time in a long time
When I put my pen on paper
I feel no burning sadness
A total lack of anger.

A good bed rest, with a loving girl added
I feel better now, my heart is free-er of strife
Making me have a better day, concern is not needed
Happiness around me, glowing bright about my life


But my worry refuses ceasing,
My concern ever increasing

At least today you smiled
As I wish we both had whiled

The day yesterday
With a little more like that
Always for you I pray
Even while we sat.

Your head aching,
Your body shivering
Scared to leave you
My heart was quivering

But today is a new day
I’m no longer stressed
With your happiness
I have been blessed

I’ll keep you smiling
All throughout the day
Because only for you
Does my heart burn this way.
Jun 2017 · 91
Me
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
Me
Many people pose the question
The one of many with a hard answer
If for this answer you begin questing
You may find yourself lost evermore.

The question sought to be solved
The question to answer many are called

The question of course, posed till we die
Is “Who, Am, I?”

The answer:
Me
Jun 2017 · 104
Distant Beauty
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
I'm in love with a distant beauty
Reaching far, I find her heart
I'm in love with a close girl lovely
Reaching inside, I give her mine.

I'm in love with a long lost memory
She's the only one who finds it for me
I'm in love with a dark haired lady
She's the one my heart revives

Tears are gone, and no one's lonely
Once I've found the love I'd lost
Tears away the hiding curtain
She has made my life again
Jun 2017 · 139
The Tailor's Son
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
There once was a little boy
His teddy was his favorite toy
Without it he could feel no joy

One day the bear was sadly lost
And his smiling face became ever cross
There could never be a larger loss
For that little boy.

The loss of his favorite toy
Led desperation to the boy
He sought out as many ways
To again see his teddy’s face
As the world had known

He found the bear, bruised and beaten
Beyond repair, its death was nearing
With extra care, he lifted the toy
Tears fell from the little boy
But then he heard his Father coming
And assured him help was on the way.
Jun 2017 · 91
Feathers
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
One feather fell as I flew to my home
Rocking and swinging as the wind was blow’n
I raced ever faster for fear of my family
My hopes and my dreams crushed in the face of reality
Soon I arrived, my worst fears realized,
one feather falls as a casualty of war

A third feather fell as I ran and reached the door
but found blackness there and nothing more

The last feather fell as I saw naught of my birds
And I saw and heard nothing, save empty words
Words of comfort were nonexistent to me,
I felt as though nothing could set me free
from the sorrow of my old home tree

The last feather had fallen and then I realized
The sorrow within me had to be defied,
Lest I fall victim to my worst fears realized.
Jun 2017 · 91
Unfair
Nathan Porter Jun 2017
Would I stand idly by and let unfairness pass
Standing whiling away watching the growing grass
Doing nothing, ignoring the lies from that little ***
Hurting the one I love the most and I let it pass

Damaging pain, suffering, sorrow
Nothing I've done to stop today or tomorrow
That little ***, whose fear I have borrowed.

And now today I feel nothing but shame
Because I was the one who let her feel pain
May 2017 · 109
May Flowers
Nathan Porter May 2017
May flowers, from April showers
But some flowers are year-round
As if they possess some magical powers
As if they have life abound

May flowers, sour and wilt
As they're crushed by what we built
And although I never laid a brick on the house of fear
I can't help but feel like I caused it to be here

Being afraid of what lies ahead
My older skin, my toughness, I shed
Losing the aid of a tough exterior
I've broken down, falling apart in the interior

I channel my fears into my arts
Ignoring my brain and preferring my heart

But this made it harder to make the right choice
And when I was confronted with your mesmerizing voice
I made the wrong one
I told myself that I was done
But I wasn't strong enough to make the right decision
And now between us, there's never been a greater schism.

You were my Mayflower
The ship that brought me to a new world
Now you're some evil power
Dragging me down to the cold.

My mayflower wilted by my own home
an irony unconsidered by my flesh and bone

For safety brought you only pain
And now the greater pow'r is my shame
And besides you, whom I won't blame
There's no one with which to share the game.
May 2017 · 88
Failure
Nathan Porter May 2017
Maybe this soul deserves a new carrier
This body and mind have succeeded in naught but failure

If I could give it to someone else
And entrust it to a better carrier

I would feel so much more like myself
And far less like my own failure

I say that I’m sorry
I tell you not to worry

But the simple fact remains

My soul should not remain in me
Not when I’ve failed to let it be

My soul has failed to grow in me
Or I have failed to let it
My soul does not belong in me
I think I should release it

Release it with a fitting end
It might find another place to be alive
Release it with a heart un-rend
And maybe it can thrive

Goodbye, oh my soul
Oh, my soul
I wish you the best of luck
Maybe you can find
Someone who can always give a- stop
You say, whispering in my ear
I whimper
It’s going to be okay, you claim, relaxing my many fears
Step down from the ledge, there’s nothing to be feared,
I always know you’re worried, even if it seems you never cared.
I whimper again
You look at me
I trust you, you say
I don’t believe you
What you say has rhyme and reason
I have none of that
It’s okay, you say again
I love you more than any other friend
I don’t step down
I want to step over
I want to be over
But speaking of over
You keep saying I love you, over and over
But I don’t understand
That doesn’t make sense
Why would you care?
This is no way to live.
Rather I’d die
Instead of hurting you again.
Just bored, wrote it up.
May 2017 · 82
Senses
Nathan Porter May 2017
Eyes that don’t see
Ears that don’t hear
Face that doesn’t feel
Tongue that lacks taste
Nose without scent
Senses overloaded
Assaulted all out
Sight, sound, suffering
Senses overloaded
Pleased by your everything
Eyes that see your face and love
Ears that hear your voice and love
Face that feels your lips and loves
Tongue that tastes your kiss and loves
Nose that smells your scent and loves
Senses overloaded
Assaulted all out
Revived by your everything
And I love you for it.
May 2017 · 120
New Day
Nathan Porter May 2017
You say in a new way
Every new day
How you love me

Proving
In a new way
Every new day
That I love you

Showing
In a great way
It’s a great day
And I love you

Glowing
I love your face
All your great ways
These are great days
May 2017 · 118
Trees and Corpses
Nathan Porter May 2017
Tears and Tears
Eyes and Hearts
Glass and Mirrors
Sight and shards
Blood and water
Both in the gutter
Products of hate
By dying we create
Life from our bones
Love from our eyes
And when the light leaves them
The roots take hold
And a new day dawns
On the life that is the product of our death
Mar 2017 · 167
The Tailor's Son
Nathan Porter Mar 2017
There once was a little boy
His teddy was his favorite toy
Without it he could feel no joy

One day the bear was sadly lost
And his smiling face became ever cross
There could never be a larger loss
For that little boy.

The loss of his favorite toy
Led desperation to the boy
He sought out as many ways
To again see his teddy’s face
As the world had known

He found the bear, bruised and beaten
Beyond repair, its death was nearing
With extra care, he lifted the toy
Tears fell from the little boy
But then he heard his Father coming
And assured him help was on the way.
Just a bit of an allegory to brighten some struggling person's day. Fathers play an important role in our lives, and it seems that they can do anything.
Feb 2017 · 206
An Author's Power
Nathan Porter Feb 2017
Misled, heartbroken,
Unclean, thoughts spoken
Bad words, Sadly croaking
Eyes filled, tears flowing
An author’s power
Turns me sour
In this hour
Pain becomes a tower

Tall is the tower
Made by pain
No further gain

Aided by words
Slashing like swords

An author’s power
With words to devour
Strength to empower
But leads to only my cower.
Jan 2017 · 122
Guilt
Nathan Porter Jan 2017
An angry acid boils as my stomach churns,
The face of my loved one filled with tears,
As away from me it turns,
The day had been looked on with anticipation,
But only loss lurked in my own emancipation,

The freedom of that day led to unkind words,
Words meant for no one, save the worst of lords,

Guilt leading to my own demise,
Wondering if I would ever rise,
Never to see the light of saving grace
All because of the tears on my love’s face.

— The End —