At the first touch of our lips,
My world crumbled around me.
I felt like I was on cloud nine.
Then she kissed me again...
It was so exhilarating.
I finally felt that spark in the kiss that everyone talks about.
Then before I knew it,
I was against the wall.
She kissed me again,
And then we both giggled.
Then she moved away from my lips,
She kissed my face,
And then my neck.
My body felt like electricity had just gone through it,
And I nearly melted to the floor.
I made her stop and I pulled away,
Even though I didn't want to.

You look into the light and what do you see?
Bright,
Beautiful,
Shining safety.
Let the light guide you.
Let the light take you to safety.
Let the light take you home.

All these kids,
They cry,
Scream,
And *****,
"I WANT FREEDOM FROM MY PARENTS!"

That simple freedom does not concern me.
I want freedom, but not just from my parents so I can stay out late.
I want freedom,
From my peers,
From my family,
From the government,
And from myself.

I want to be free to walk down the halls,
Hand in hand with a girl,
Who I'm in love with.
I want to be able to do that,
With no fear in my heart.
No worries or names called,
Or punches thrown.
I want that freedom.

I want the freedom to be able to bring a girl home,
And show her to my parents,
And tell her how much I love her,
In front of them.
I want to be able to talk to my mom,
About relationship problems,
About the GIRL who broke my heart,
But I cant.

I want the freedom to marry.
To marry any person I choose,
No matter the gender.
Male,
Or female,
It should not matter.
My happiness,
And the way I spend my life,
Is not something that should be voted on,
By those with half a brain.

I want freedom from myself,
To accept me,
And be who I am,
Without any shame.
But I can't do that,
Unless I have the freedom from others,
To be me,
And be happy with that.

I want the freedom to be gay.
Some may complain,
That the gays are already free,
Too much maybe.
But that is not the case.
We're not persecuted,
But we're not free.

All throughout history there has been movements for freedom.

There was one of religious freedom,
When puritans came to the New World from Britain.
A war was started,
And freedom came out with a victory.

There was one of freedom for slaves,
So that they could live the lives they wanted,
And not have to be owned,
And treated like property,
By another human being.
Once again,
A war was started,
And the slaves were freed.

There was one of freedom for women,
So that women could be the same as men,
Equals.
There were marches,
And protests,
And women rights came out on top.

There was one of freedom for those of color,
So that they can mix,
And mingle,
With the race that whites thought was superior.
There were marches,
And sit ins,
Protests,
And brawls,
But guess who won in the end?

We are working towards freedom of LGBTQ,
lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, questioning/queer,
And one way or another,
We will eventually get our freedom.

Look at all these past freedom movements,
There were always two sides to it.

Which side are you on?
Is it the right one?

This is not the land of the free and the home of the brave.
This is the land of the *** ******* cowards,
And the home of the "You can be free, if we allow it."

I think its about time we either lived up to our motto,
Or changed it.

You are my friend,
And I love you.
I would do anything for you.
I'm here for you when you need help,
Just as you are for me.
I know you're holding on by a thread,
But I wont let you fall.
And if you do,
Which you wont,
I will go get you.
I will travel to the depths of hell,
And pull you back up out of the flames,
And on to the clouds.
Cloud nine.
Because thats what friends do.

My best friends are noting but strangers with familiar faces.

At least you get to ******* see her.
You take her love for ******* granted.
While I'm being ******* ignored.

I see a pattern of you choosing him over me time and time again and yet its always me you come running to with tears streaming down your face.

I love you to the moon and back, to the ends of the Galaxy, to the tops of the universe and no star can stand in my way.

Dont judge me on my game today,
Im not at my best.
Im distracted by the troubles of play,
Im not ready for this test.

Don't stand there and treat me with pity,
If you pity me,
Then tell me.
If you you hate me,
Then tell me.
Don't treat me like the lesser,
Because I'm not.
Don't treat me like I'm sick,
Or confused...
Because I'm not.
Gay does not mean lesser.
It doesn't mean sick,
And it doesn't mean confused.
It means that we are open,
Open and beautiful...
We can see the possibilities of love.
We have a different view on life.
We see things from a different perspective.
We're not lesser,
Or sick,
Or confused.
We're different.
Please,
Learn to understand that.

I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me stealing your faith
Crushing your god
And molesting you with my eyes
If you pass me in a crowded hall.

I do not have a gay agenda
That consists of me taking the minds
Of innocent children
And leading then into devil worship.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me (a girl)
Finding the perfect girl
To call my wife
And start a family with.

I do have a gay agenda
That consists of me letting love be fluid
Labels have no meaning
Or bounds
And letting religion roam free.

So with my simple gay agenda of love
Why are you so worried?
Are you afraid that my agenda will beat out yours?
After all love trumps all hate
In the end
One way or another.

I'm done repressing my gayness
Because it's the "Christian" thing to do.
I will wear ******* rainbow ****** pasties
And march in a pride parade
If I please
And then go to church and praise Jesus
And God and the Holy Spirit
For making the way I am
And how I am
Because he made me perfect.
I am gay
I am Christian
I am proud to be both.

Gay thoughts,
Gay actions,
Bi me.
Well,
I think.
Possibly.
I have gay thoughts,
And gay actions,
But I also have straight thoughts...
Just not straight actions.
Because it sickens me,
Almost.
With most guys,
When they hold me,
I want to pull away.
People just cant understand,
Or they don't want to.
I may like a guy,
But I want the warm,
And soft embrace,
Of a girl.

Ghosts haunt this empty house.
A little girl,
Searching every room,
And running through the halls,
Looking for her dad,
Waiting for him to come home.
Lingering around,
She can't understand.
Shes just a child.
Lost.
She doesn't know whats going on,
Only that shes alone.
Strange people living in her house,
They just ignore her,
Like she isn't even there.
Their child,
A little girl too,
Screams every time she sees her,
Like shes some kind of monster.
The little girl screams "ghost!",
Ghost?
Shes not a ghost.
Shes just a lost little girl,
Who wants her dad,
And someone to love her.
No one ever thought about how the ghost girl feels.

He took my black heart
Dipped it in red blood
And turned it white as snow
But my snow is tainted
Yet I ask to be dipped in that blood
On a daily basis
As my heart continues to blacken.

Its not possible for me to be anymore done than I am right now.
I have to go back,
And I have to let you go.
Im going back to my old ways.
Nobody can stay strong,
And hold on forever.

I'm homesick for a land where I've not yet lived.
I'm yearning for a change to bliss
Peacefulness
The kind that's only obtained when the remnants of this life are 6 feet under.

I fell in love with the little things you do
Like when you whisper "I love you"
It sends shivers through my soul
And now my heart shines like gold.

The time has come again, where I have put down my pen,
my tool into the literary world.
I have betrayed myself as a poet, and my followers know it,
fighting with my words, forcing a sentence.

The time has come again, where I have put down my pen,
Goodbye.

Im sorry to say goodbye to you,
But this is just too much,
In such a short period of time,
And I cannot take the stress,
I cant take handle the drama,
That seems to come along with loving you.
That statement is true,
I do love you.
I always have,
Since the moment I laid eyes on you as a kid,
And possibly always will,
Secretly, until my very last breath.
But I am tired of all the ****,
That follows you and your "friends",
And they tell me stories of you,
And some other girl,
That only a bestfriend would know.
I love you.
Oh how much I love you.
Darling I hate to say goodbye,
But you have lost my trust.

I almost texted you good morning but I didn't because without you in my life a good morning doesn't exist.

As kids,
We couldn't wait to grow up.
Why?
We couldn't wait for more stress?
For one day closer to death?
For bills,
And drama?
Now that I'm closer to being grown up,
I understand that's its a trick,
Set by Satan himself,
And I want to go back in time.
I want to go back,
I want to grow young.

I feel so guilty...
For every bite of food that I take.
For every scar I put on my body.
For everyone that I've hurt.
I feel so guilty for sometimes not wanting to be here,
When someone else is fighting for another day,
And they don't have a choice.

"Those kids are a bad influence on you,
They'll only drag you down."
That may be true,
But I don't have much of an option in this town.

"You're getting a bad rep: people are saying you're a *****,
You stay with those kids you're gonna burn in hell."
What makes you so sure?
Do you have my life put together better than I do in a perfect little nut shell?

Why must you be so quick to judge,
My friends, and me guilty by association,
When we are only but a nudge,
Away from self annihilation.

The facts are the facts,
And the truth is the truth,
But the fact is I can give then something they lack,
Love and hope without the ruth...
Less...ness...

**** it. Yall will never understand.
Consider me guilty by association.

I grabbed death by the wrist and fought with him until the bitter end
And here I stand with Hell buzzing aimlessly by me
Playing hacky sack with Satan.

Currently...
My hair is either half down,
Or half up,
It depends on the way,
That you look at a cup.

With all my heart,
I wish only this.
All I wish is...
To touch you...
Kiss you...
Love you...
Hold you...
Love you...
Smell you...
Love you...
Feel you...
Love you...
Be with you...
Love you...
Have you love me...
Love you...
Listen to me...
Did I mention love you?
But I can't.
I know this,
Not now.
I can only do one thing,
Sit here.
Painfully watching you.
I'm chained to you,
I'm chained to your memory.
I dream,
And I dream.
Dream of a day when I can love you.
That day may never come again,
That is why its just a dream.
A dream I wish would come true.
If only,
If only,
If only it would...
I would be the happiest girl in the world.

I cant focus,
On anything.
I cant think,
Or remember.
And its all your fault.
I cant breathe when you're around...
I sound miserable right?
Quite the contrary.
When I'm with you,
I'm happy,
And my world is perfect.

Happy Birthday?
Is it really happy?
Family forced to get together that doesn't want to be together to celebrate someone getting one year closer to death,
Who also doesn't want to be there.
Its that one day of the year where people who you never talk to,
Who you didn't even know you were friends with on Facebook post two words on your wall and ignore you for another 365 days.
The "Happy" in "Happy Birthday" isn't there anymore.
Its just a day when people are forced to smile,
And eat ****** cake,
And spend wasted money.
Whats the point anymore?

I have hatred for people,
The human species as a whole,
But the human I hate the most is me.

I heart you.

Why do we talk in hearts?
Can we not say love?
So we must talk in a symbol.
Heart,
I heart you,
Not I love you.

Why do we make hearts on our papers?
They're not the easiest shape,
But still not difficult.
But why not draw a circle?

Why do we draw hearts?
When hearts symbolize love?
And we dont love the work that we put hearts all over,
In fact,
We despise it.

Why do we put hearts beside our names?
Did it suddenly become a must have in our signature?
Are we that in love with ourselves?
How coincided does that prove us to be?

They say that life is like a heartbeat.
If there isnt any ups and downs,
Then you're dead.
But a pulse isnt supposed to go this low...

I'm burning.
I'm in hell.
I feel removed,
Almost like I'm watching a movie.
Watching everything buzz around me.
I'm not sure how long I can stay...
Good?
Clean?
I'm slipping back.
I don't want to.
But I am.
"I can't escape this hell,
So many times I've tried."
Can somebody please...
Please.
Just listen to those lyrics.
Get me through this hell.
I need help,
I need out,
Please.

What happens when life turns to hell and
even heaven has that offset view
of hells gates deceiving
Trickery, mockery.
Heavens lights are dimming
Hells fire is burning ever more.

Either way I'm destined to burn
By Christianity; my hell is fire
By reincarnation; hell is to return.

This generation is going to hell in a hand-basket.
It is,
And its something that cannot be denied.
Its not because of the sins.
People have always sinned,
We're sinners at heart.
Its not because of the gays,
They cant change your views,
And the world isn't growing up gay.
This generation is going to hell because we are lost.
Somehow morals were not enforced,
Only taught and then forgotten.
We have a chance of being saved,
But we wont accept it.
We're stubborn,
And corrupted.
There are a few,
Within our generation,
That have hope.
It is them,
And our parents,
And teachers,
That hold the key to our salvation.
Without them,
We will be forever lost,
And on a one way street,
To hell.

I don’t want to be sober.
I don’t want to have to be sober.
But I want to be healthy and if I can’t control my drinking then I need help.
Self control has never been what I’m best at.
I want to go out to the bars with my friends and enjoy alcohol that way.
Not drink myself into the next dimension at 1am so that I don’t **** myself.
I want to tell my parents.
But I can’t stand the thought of adding another reason for them to be disappointed in me.
I’m not ready for the accountability and pressure of someone breathing down my neck.
I don’t want to be sober.
I just want to be normal.

Hello there,
My dear old friend.
I welcome you back,
With open arms.
How much I have missed you.
I have to show you,
How much I've changed,
Without you.
I thought that you were no longer needed,
But I was wrong.
Hello there,
Old friend that I love,
I welcome you back,
With upturned arms,
Do your magic.
Make the white rose turn red.

There comes a point when you are so weak,
Tired,
And broken,
That you have to be strong.
You need to be strong enough,
To work the courage,
To say one line,
That will take everything from you.
"I need help."

My heart is exploding into a million pieces.
Shes more of a drug
More addicting than ****** could ever be.

We sneak around,
Trying not to make a sound.
Our love is forbidden,
And it must stay hidden.
For you are important to me,
You are my love.

She's bad for me
Worse for my soul
Than ****** is for my body
But yet I'm addicted to her
And just a thought
Can bring me back to my knees
Begging for more
Of my lovely drug.

There's nothing more I can hide from you.
Only the secrets that are kept between me and God,
And the devil of course,
That no other soul knows.
I assume that you assume things,
Just by my past,
That could be expected from someone who is...was gay.
Secrets of love and ***,
But that's an expected unextraordinary story that could be told by any teenager of today.
You've seen me raw,
With an innermost secret I wished to stay hidden.
But here I am.
No more acting for you,
Or being who you want me to be.
I'm just me now. You know.
Love me or hate me.

Fake a smile,
And fake a laugh.
Hide your tears,
And hide your cuts.
Polish your pain off with sparkling eyes,
And dazzling teeth.
Don't let them see whats going on in your head.
Don't let them know all the times you've cried,
How you cant stand to look at yourself in the mirror,
How you feel guilty every time you eat.
They cant know.
For all they know,
You're the happiest person alive.

Dont let them see you cry,
You cant be that weak,
Not in front of them.

Dry your eyes,
Straighten up your back,
And stiffen up your upper lip.

Show them what you're made of,
And how strong you are,
Not how broken.

Pull down those sleeves,
Do you want them to see your cuts?
They're living proof of the mental pain.

Dont be stupid,
You know how to act,
Be an actress.

Dont let them see the real you,
The one that inside is crumbled up,
Be strong.

You stepped on stage,
And people ohh-ed,
And ahh-ed,
There were murmurs of,
“He’s cute.”
But something wasn’t right.
Something was off about you,
And it seemed oh so familiar.
Where have I heard of this?
Where have I heard of a person having those same…
Characteristics?
You’re charm,
How charismatic you are,
How people seemed to worship you?
Odd.
Up on that stage,
I saw you,
But you were tainted,
Something…
Messed up.
You seemed to be radiating.
But it wasn’t love,
Or charm,
Or anything like that you were radiating,
It was evil.
Pure madness.
And then you smiled,
And won over the hearts,
Of many,
Many people.
Where have I heard of these characteristics before?
They sound so familiar,
Like something I learned in school.
Oh,
I know.
History.
I learned of a person like this in History class.
His name was ******,
And all the things people are saying about you,
They said about him.
Be careful my darling,
History repeats itself.

Every year something goes wrong.
Every ******* year.
Is it so hard to not fight?
To not get hurt?
To not be mad at the people you love,
For just one day?
I dont want to be in the family anymore.
Today it is Thanksgiving...
So Santa,
I have a Christmas request.
Please fix my family,
Or get me a new one.

"Holiday Cheer"
A foreign concept to me.
For me,
And the family I live in,
There is not such thing as holiday cheer.
There is the holiday curse for us.
The holidays for us are not a happy time.
There is drama,
And fighting,
Cops occasionally,
And someone always ends up in the hospital.
Its not a one time thing,
That happened last year,
And that's all,
This is my 17th time going through the holidays,
And maybe the first 4 were all that had that,
"Holiday Cheer",
But after that,
It was all downhill.
Holiday cheer is for families,
True families who love each other.
I don't have a family.
I have a ******* soap opera.
Two days til Thanksgiving,
Let the games begin.

This isn't a poem but more of a testament,
If your eyes and your smile do this to my body
I can only imagine how your hands would feel.