My lips are ****** from biting down to hold the tears in.

Did you know
That I'd like a chance
Because scary as it sounds
I already love you
Did you know that?

I see all this suffering, this pain and guilt
And I just can't stand to see it all, that's just not how I'm built
I'm built to hold, to comfort and fill
The empty spaces, to stop the pain and the ****
The **** of the everyday, the sufferer, alone
If that's who you are, I got one thing to say: that you're not alone.

I've had it so easy, so smooth in my life
My parents are in love, together, my brother's a student, my sister's a wife
And a mother to healthy, living child
I wasn't pregnant in high school, haven't smoked, drank, or ******
'Cause none of that's worth it, I don't need it, never have.
Not much in my life to hide from, to fear.

But I can FEEL the pain of loved ones and strangers, and whoever is near
When they're near to death of body or spirit
I can sense it, it makes me cold
Makes me want to cry
To steal the closest person in an embrace
When was the last time someone held you, and told you the sun would rise again
Or noticed how STRONG you are
You've made it so far
Don't you ever give up
Don't you ever stop trying
Don't you dare
If not for you, then for me, you can't stop me, I'll care
Care for you, even though I don't know you

Doesn't anyone notice
Doesn't anyone feel
All these PEOPLE around them
How afraid they are,
How tired they are every day
Won't somebody STOP it all?
These people are dying
Dying a little more every god ****** day
Isn't there something you can do?
Isn't there anything I can say
To make you believe
To make you understand how much I love you
How badly I want you to live
How I want you to prove to me that this world is still alive, still trying
PROVE to me what I already know

You are strong
You are loved
You are worth every second.

I'm the next act on stage.
Good.
It's about ******* time all that needed to be said
Finds a way to get out.

So here's the thing:
I've made mistakes
I've ****** up a lot, and I'm willing to admit that
Because every ******, I learn from it
Unfortunately sometimes it takes more than once.

So my first big ******:
I made love.
18 years old, questioning everything
ANGRY for the first time in my life
Really truly ANGRY
and REBELLIOUS
Like I've never been before.
So angry at a God that presumed
To ask everything of me and give nothing back
Who took and took and took and took
And let others take from me, from others
Especially women, a long long time ago
And maybe they were stupid
And maybe they were awful people
And maybe they deserved it but they were STILL PEOPLE
Still women
Still girls like me
Scared and lonely
Hungry for an outlet for all of the ****** passion
And anger DEAR GOD SUCH ANGER
That had built up inside.

So I was mad
And I felt alone
Except for one thing
Him
He who I now look back on and wonder what
My rational brain could have seen
In a hundred thousand eons of pain and suffering and loneliness
What it could have seen in a rat
In a **** like him
But he wasn't that bad
I'm just angry

We made love
We loved each other
And I had anger
So we made love.
As if loving each other made it alright
Because what they never tell you in Sunday school
What they never really get across with all the
"Shou shalt not's" and "Don't touch that's"
About chastity
What they do tell you is don't do it
But they never ******* tell you why
Because it isn't going to last.
It really just isn't
Even though you think it will
Put that stupidity aside and see for JUST A SECOND
It won't.
Just assume it wont.
And you'll be with someone else
And they'll be hurt
They will actually be ******* SHATTERED
That you didn't save anything special for them
That you have nothing to give them that you didn't first give to someone else.

So yeah, I left.
I'm usually the one that leaves.
Out of 10's or 20's of loves
I'm the one that usually loses it first
Except for twice...
Nah... Nah now it's thrice.
And I loved again
And left
And I loved again
And left.
And at one point I felt sorry for what I did
But nah, that was an illusion
Brought on by the tears he wept when I told him
I had nothing left to give only to him.

Then I met another Him
And I told him early because
I was SO SICK AND ******* TIRED
Of having to hide what I had done
Pretending to feel guilty about making love
To a little **** who I loved once
But no, he wasn't that bad
He didn't know any better
I'm the ****. I am.

So I told him
And he got scared
But then he came back...
Oh my god he came back, I thought he would leave.
And he held me tighter
And he loved me more
And he forgave me
He moved on
He trusted me
But back up a little.

And breathe.

His name was Hunter.
And when I met him, I was dating the guy I thought I would change for
And a week later I left.
And I immediately got googly-eyed over Hunter
But also someone else.
His name was Collin.
Collin got to me first, because,
Crazy thing
He seemed more mature
And like he could handle it better if I didn't want to be attached yet
So I told him I didn't want anything serious
And we made out.

And then I started falling more for Hunter
Because Collin was a one-upper.
And Hunter was sweet and interesting
Intelligent in speech
On our first date
We discussed Neitzche in a ****** local burger joint
And he was beautiful
In my life I don't think I will ever find Adonis in the flesh again
And eventually, after trying very hard
I got him to kiss me
God how he kisses is like tasting wine
And has the same affect on my mind
And excites my body beyond what I've felt before
And that lasted the whole time I was with him
It still hasn't gone away
To this day if he kissed me
I think my cells would fly apart with joy

Now here's where my shittiness comes back in
And makes everything confusing
So I was making out with Collin one night
And Hunter the next
And I told them both
I ******* TOLD HIM
"We are not dating."
I said that.
Exactly that.
Meaning there is NO commitment
NO expectations
YOU can do whatever you want with whoever
AND SO CAN I

Eventually Hunter persuaded me to be his girl.
So I basically just started ignoring Collin
Stopped making out
Stopped hanging out
Stopped talking pretty much
So I could be with just the one I had COMMITTED myself to.
And we were happy.
Until I told him.

Then he was hurt.
He felt betrayed
Even though I ******* TOLD HIM
WE ARE NOT DATING
During that time
He felt he had claim on me during that time
Just because he had kissed me
He said "I wish you had told me how little a kiss means to you
I would never have ******* kissed you."
And I got ANGRY
And then you know what?

I said I'm sorry
I said you're right
I said "I put his feelings before yours, that was wrong, and it will never happen again."
I should've never done that.
I didn't do anything wrong.
And I gave him power over me
That no one should ever have.

We spent the last month or two
In despairing bliss
Knowing that at the end of the college semester
Which had been so short
He would go home to Georgia
And I would return to the mountains
And I had played the long-distance game before
And would not do it again

I should have just taken what I could get

So the last day, we helped each other pack
We cried
So much
Into each other's shirts and shoulders
Hearts breaking but hopeful
For a promise
I promised him
AND THIS IS THE ONLY THING I PROMISED
That at the end of the summer
We would both be available
So that we could try again
THAT'S IT

So I cried my way home
And he took his plane
And we Skyped until 2 his time every night
After about another month
The usual sadness and loneliness hit
Being home is bad for me
I lose sense of up and down
As I feel my wheels spinning on the ice
In the freezing summer between springs
I missed him
So much that I felt empty
I ached and hungered and died every day
Though it was nice to see my old friends again
But the worst thing happened
I remembered that I like flirting
And I had already ****** up once

Why not do it again?
Three more times?

For two months I didn't make love
I ******
Mindlessly
Cuddled for a bit with a friend
Then he'd admit he liked me
I'd tell him I wasn't going to date this summer
And he'd get hard
And he'd get insistent
"We can just be friends with benefits"
He'd say
He genuinely liked me
They always did
One even said he loved me
I had no such emotion for them
I just wanted to not feel so alone

So we'd cuddle, talk, kiss, ****,
And I'd go home every time still empty
Still cold
Still alone
And sad
And guilty
And for two months I wandered around in that hell
Wondering why it wasn't getting any warmer
Wondering how the **** I was still alone
With all these men that wanted me so bad
And every night as I fell asleep I thought about Hunter
Oh God... I could never tell him
No, he would never understand

And he didn't.
When I finally told him
Not because it was any of his ******* business
BECAUSE IT WASN'T
We were not dating
There was no commitment
No promises except that I'd be there in the end
We kept admitting love for one another
Which was a mistake in retrospect
But he had no right to feel such claim on me

The worst part was that he had asked me over the summer
And I had lied and justified
And gotten angry
SO ******* ANGRY at him
Every time he got suspicious
HE HAD NO ******* RIGHT
And I got angry
Because I was guilty
Especially because it wasn't helping
And all I wanted was him

So I told him
Not because he had a right to know
But because I finally trusted him enough
And wanted no secrets between us
Wanted one SINGLE ******* PERSON
Who I could show my whole self to
Tell everything to
Just one
And I wanted it to be him
And he was angry

And oh god for days he was angry
And every night he made me cry
Because I told him to let it out
That it might help
So he called me *****
He called me ****
He called me cheater
He told me that nothing meant anything to me
That nothing was special to me
Nothing physical would ever be special or worth anything from me
But... But I still don't understand
Honesty
That was important to me
That was everything to me
And I had given it to him
I don't understand
Why he walked all over it
Why

That
That's enough
I can't talk about this anymore right now
Ask me again another day
Just not right now

Alright I guess I should anyway

So the last month of summer
I was with no one
I spent every night Skyping him
Every night either crying in the hurt of his angry words
Or singing my love and praises for him
And when he went on a trip and couldn't call me
I took pictures and screenshots every night
To show him I wasn't out again
I was at home
Safe
Alone
Waiting for him

A month it went on like that
Until it was finally one week before school
I drove down to the college, picked him up
He greeted me at the door and I lept into his arms
And he held me and we cried
And there was love
And I felt complete
And I could finally breathe again
And the gasps wracked my body with pleasure and pain

I took him and we spent a week of heaven
In my home in the mountain
He met my family
And they all loved him
And we talked
Once in a while there would be a sad moment
But he said he'd try
He said he loved me
And I had hope...

Why didn't he try?
He left me when we got back to school
Why didn't he stay
I don't understand
I've tried so hard
I've mended fences with God
Hoping he can help me
But it's taking time
And it doesn't mean anything to Hunter
Why?
I told him all of the truth
All of it
And laid myself at his feet
Just asking that when he was done abusing me
Done being angry
Done with his vengeance
That he would love me
And keep me
And stay
But he left
I don't understand
I tried. So hard.

And I can't let go of him
How can I?
I invested my whole self in the warm and golden dream
Of lying in his arms at night
I changed myself to be what he wanted
I changed my mind to match his
What more could I do?

Don't I deserve forgiveness?
Haven't I earned just one last chance?

I don't understand
You said nothing was special to me
So I gave you everything to make up for it
Then threw it back in my face
And said it wasn't good enough

I don't understand
How you jacking off to pictures
Of women more beautiful than me
While you were still with me
Is not as bad as me
Using dudes for comfort
When you aren't even there

I don't understand
How with one breath you can say
"I love you"
And with the next
"I can't trust you"
And then call me a princess again

I don't understand
Why it's so normal for me
To spend all day being held by you
And cry myself to sleep every night

I don't understand
Why it's harder to like myself in the mirror
After you
Than it was before you

I don't understand
You wanted someone so dependent on you
That if you left their life would fall apart
And then won't believe it
When I am that person

I don't understand
How you don't see that you're using me
The same way I used others
When you were far away
Because I make you feel better
I won't let you keep taking
When you refuse to give any back

God help me

"Get better" says the roommate, hugging you before bed
"Get better" says the mother to her ailing daughter
"Get better" says the little child to the dying man

"Be better" says the God to his child

I've tried to be better, really I have.
I gave up sins and lies
I'm keeping my body to myself
Keeping my lies inside and letting the truth spill out
Upon all the people I wasn't ready to trust it to
"Get better" says the priest to the sinner

I've tried to make myself better
I gave myself every medicine in the cabinet
No, I promise that's not literal, it's just a metaphor.
I took some truth, to help me sleep at night
I took some blame so he would see me cry
Maybe he'd believe how sorry I am if I cried again
I took some words, and gave some back
Hoping that if I drank enough
Of what he had to say
And puked out all that was inside of me
Maybe there'd be room enough for peace
Or love
Or forgiveness
Or by God, relief
But now I'm just empty
And aching to binge again
"Get better" says the doctor to the bulimic

I've tried everything to make it better
I've wrapped myself in praise
Twisted my mother and father around my fingers
Pulled my friends into my darkness
Because they can't quite pull me out
But there is just two more coverings I need
Self-love
Or true love
And can't quite reach for either
"Get better" says the passerby to the shivering lost one.

I have cancer
Not really, I promise that's a metaphor too
I'm dying
But seriously, just a metaphor
I'm cold and weak
And puking everything everywhere
All the time
Thinking it'll feel better
But tomorrow there's always just another load
And more poison to fill the space with
"Get better" says the man to his cancerous wife

"Get better" is what you said to me,
Pretending that you still care.

"Please get better"
Says the dying to her life.

"DEAR BLANK CHALLENGE" PLEASE PLEASE READ THIS AND REPOST TRY TO KEEP IT GOING:  HELLOPOETRY "DEAR BLANK" CHALLENGE SECRET SANTA POEMS EXCEPT NOT SECRET AND NOT SANTA RANDOM ACT/POEM OF KINDNESS STRANGER POETRY APPRECIATION

I thought it might be nice to do like a secret santa thingy on hellopoetry only not secret and not santa… what I mean is, find a random stranger you literally have never met and do NOT know at all whose poetry you like and spend actual time genuinely reading their work, picking out your favorite lines and responding to them, pondering them, etc. Write something positive to them and post it as a poem with their name in the title. The “DEAR BLANK” challenge only you put their name instead of “blank”. I think we could all use a little recognition that we exist and are worth something since everyone seems a little depressed on here (including myself) which is fine, it’s a great outlet but it would be nice for people to just spontaneously find that a random stranger spent time in their life just to recognize you and care about your poetry. To write a kind poem/letter to them responding to lines in their poetry. If you need an example I just posted DEAR IMALRIGHT which was exactly what I meant. Check out imalright's poetry btw it is amazing.
I plan on doing for more than one person and I'd love for you to do the same. Spread a little kindness, we could all use a little.
Also message me if you are going to do the challenge and message the stranger you do the DEAR BLANK challenge for so they know to look for and read your poem.
I just thought that Imalright who was a perfect stranger to me seemed like a wonderful poet and a wonderful person based on her poetry so I chose her.
You do that too if you accept the DEAR BLANK challenge.
INCLUDE DEARBLANKCHALLENGE AS A HASHTAG IF YOU DO THE CHALLENGE SO EVERYONE CAN FIND THEM
please repost this over and over so we can get as many people involved as possible and try and make a difference in a couple people's lives because I just want to make everyone feel loved but I'm just one girl, I can't do it alone. Please help me with this and join me in the DEAR BLANK challenge. Take time out of your day to properly appreciate someone's poetry who you do not know.

PLEASE REPOST LET'S GET EVERYONE INVOLVED!!! ;D
THANKS!

-EMBER EVANESCENT

[http://hellopoetry.com/some-person/]

dear some person,

i am but a reader unknown,
like any other
you talked to, in that
flight, when no perfect girl
sat next to you.

It was your birthday
and you were thinking
about your father,
finding out he loves you,
and in your mind
you were worrying about
your friend, living far away,
drifting in his own family life.

Remember that voyage?

i am still voyaging
coming back from your poems

you know there is this thing
going on at HP
and i figured it would be nice
to find someone here
for the first time
and so i rouletted the pages
and yeah found you
some person
and somehow i felt
related to your pen name

and then i read all your poems

yes, all of them

and i can only wish
that one day, suddenly, you will
realise you are already writing
love poems for someone new
someone worthy your heart
your sensitivity and your
serenity

some perfect girl
who will listen
to the depth
and warmth
of your voice,
your voice
bringing to life
your whole you,

some perfect girl,
with all the
imperfections
you will know how to love,

some perfect girl
to piece you together.

all the best,
chimaera

ps
=D
please find the strength to do the laundry and to get rid of the yard junk and to go out for a ride in the sun, it will be so much likely to find the girl...!