Do not be afraid of your bad days.
They can be shadows if you let them
Or just an umbrella that you can throw away to see the sun
The bad days will always come
Sometimes, one right after another.
Time will pass regardless of your attitude.
Every day will end.
So let them pass, seeing you with a smile on your face.
Let the people around you bring out your best self.
You might be tempted to hate.
Do not hate.
Be creative and explore.
If you can't explore the earth, explore yourself
And develop yourself.
Do not be afraid to be different and be unique.
There is no mold you must fit in to
If you find you do, you probably need to change something.
God made you differently from any other human.
Embrace bad days
Make the most of them

I always feel like running away
Taking the next flight to anywhere
Because maybe depression is something
That will be confiscated in security
It’s more life threatening than
Any 3 oz. of liquid

Wife,
        That’s a term I have been waiting to use for my entire life. I wasn’t always the best at searching for you. I was young and mildly ambitious growing up; other things got in the way because I never knew how much I could love you.
        If only I had known.
        I’ve told you most of my stories: my days playing sports, the endless reading list I had at my bedside table, and the sleepless nights thinking I would never find you.
        I’m eternally grateful that God allowed our paths to cross at that bookstore – how ironic that I was looking for books about love and I found you.
        My life taught me to question and second-guess many things: marriage, relationships, and the future.
        I had let my doubts and expectations reach into my pockets of hope and faith, stealing my motivation to succeed.
        Some would say I was justified in being a stoic.
        Not you.
        Before I met you, I was full of silly ideas and visions of how the world was. Those things – doubt, disappointment, failure – may be in the world, but they don’t define the world.
        Or me.
       I’m glad I questioned what was shinning so bright in a dimly lit bookstore. I’m glad I saw you.
        Holding a flashlight.

Always,
Yours

This was a handwritten letter that wasn’t patient enough to wait in the mail. I am a supporter of writing letters.

Our world is drifting from the simplicity of pen and paper. We love to complicate things in life.

I hope this letter can be a simple reminder that there is happiness and hope, even in darkness that reminds you of ink.

The first time I saw you my mind raced to memories of summer days at the beach; campfires; the sound of the ocean.

I thought, “She has no idea how beautiful she is. It doesn't cross her mind that girls envy her and men desire her. She is too concerned with the sound of laughter, and how it makes the darkness step back.”

I make a lot of assumptions, mostly unjustified, about people I cross paths with. But I am sure you are justified in feeling like royalty. You look like happiness.

A fort in the living room that looks like a castle, and cookie dough that tastes like heaven. If the opportunity crosses my path, I would give anything to meet you.

If you walked in front of me, I would think you were a shooting star and make a wish.

Don’t change. Shine unapologetically. You illuminate the humans around you.

Admittedly, the desire to write this letter is still unknown. The desire is there and so here are the words.

Van Gogh painted the
Famous Starry Night
Through eyes blurred by tears
Because he and God
Both got it just right

Under shooting stars
I blinked away my tears
Because I and God
Cast away my fears

In the light of night
The moon will take your hand
Because you and God
Are co-authors of your plan

I have all my stories left to tell
But I may not make it
I'm pleading with God's angels
To pull me from this hell

It’s okay to be alone
To stand on your own

Even when standing means
kneeling with arms throwing
prayers to God
Even when standing means sitting
and looking through memories
in photographs
Even when standing means crying
making yourself lighter in the tears
floating away
Even when standing means stepping
and putting one foot in front
to brace your desire of
moving on

It’s okay to be together
With hands held tight

Except when hands are swords
thrown more carelessly
than insulting words
Except when hands are lies
beckoning false hope to set up
camp in broken homes
Except when hands are eyes
pulled away by naked screens
crushing bones and hearts
Except when hands are pocketed
because being together
isn’t all it’s cracked up to be

It's okay to be brave.

The dinner table is crowded.
There are bowls of gravy, potatoes and greens -
Plates of meat and stuffing...
Don’t worry it gets better.
Juice and cider instead of wine.
Clean crystal cups and thick napkins,
All trimmed in blue.
Surrounded by loud elephants
Dancing on the words we don’t say.
The elephants slip on peas,
And sip my drink.
My relatives give glances
Instead of embrace.
The conversation gets heavy
As our stomachs get full.
The dinner table is a stage
Instead of a refuge.
We all wear our masks and pretend we’re OK.
The actors are well paid in self-loathing,
And pain;
Solitude.
Relationships that don’t fit into pockets
Because our phones are too important.
We are broken and shattered,
Unwilling to be fixed.
The elephants dance in gravy,
And pretend it’s a bath.

A lot of people ask me why I pray so much
They say, “I see you with your arms folded
Rather often.”
It takes me a minute to realize that
I’ve just been holding myself for so long
My own hugs are the only embraces
Keeping my emotions on the inside

When I do pray to God I’m not self-embraced
Reaching into the air, my arms look
Like I kicked the game winning field goal in the Super Bowl
I ask a lot of “why’s” and “how’s”
I beg a lot of “please Lord, please”
Courage to endure comes on my knees

Life is the greatest struggle of all
Struggles are journeys that aren’t always pleasant
My self-embraces keep me together
God’s strength moves me forward
So raise your arms and kick
Your game winner

I don't know how to accept compliments
Like I don't know how to load a gun
And I'm afraid to learn because
I've never wanted to **** myself for trying to learn something new

Do not recoil when I forget how to hug
Because I've never wanted to escape something so badly that felt like home

Nomads can only remember what home means
When they taste it in freshly baked bread
And when you don't have to knock to come in
I have been knocking on vacant doors
And my knuckles didn't offer their blood in exchange for your absence

I do not know how to ask for help
Like I know how to load of gun
Because I guess a little practice is all it takes
And I could only focus on one thing at a time

You feel like the dark night sky
Making the rest of us shine like stars
When the morning crosses horizons
You think you fade away
But without knowing
You have always been the sun

Between
“Once upon a time”
And
“Happily ever after”
There’s a perfect adventure
You took for granted

Stormy weather is God's way of saying we could have done better
Or tried harder
The sound of breathing is just the rhythm
Undoing all the potential I used to have
I hide under my covers hoping that my fears
Are as afraid of the dark as I am
My smile is just the curve of the lies I tell myself
“Everything is going to be okay, one day.”
I might be sleeping two hours a day
And that’s a long time
To be with someone you don’t like and doesn’t like you back
Or maybe it’s because I’m scared of what my self-concise might tell me
In my dreams
The alarm clock that illuminates my room reminds me
I’m not on time for being myself.
I missed being who I wanted to be
A few years ago
And I haven’t caught up
It reminds me of how far I have to go and how little time I have left
Sometimes I have to let a tear fall, to remind myself
I’m alive
Every day I memorize my name
So it wouldn’t sound weird as I talk to myself in the mirror
I want my name to sound like something I can be proud of
We are our own heroes and until we realize our strength
We’ll bend at the knee to heed the directions of people
who know us less than we know ourselves
It seems impossible because when I cry I have to no idea why
When I laugh I don’t understand that
I’m the joke
Like a clown without makeup
Like the girl sitting in the back of class: self-conscious about her bad hair day
I love the mess because it’s how I really feel and at least
She’s brave enough to embrace it and face it.
I simply hide behind my shower curtain of indulgence and cowardice
Unfortunately, I’m not very fast and my problems are catching up
I’m throwing up my hands in shackles
Limiting my ability to wipe my tears
After 23 years I understand we’re all kids in adult clothing
Trying to fill our baggy pants with our own pride and big egos
We have neck ties of lies we tell others to fell a little bigger
Stripped down to loose shorts we con show the tattoos of humility
We weren’t ready to show
And unable to let go
Make it through the night and look outside
The sunrise is simply God’s interpretation of what our dreams may have looked like
He does it because we can’t remember the details

When I go
Take this body
Burn it to ash
Forget what I
Looked like
And suddenly
The world will be
Dustier,
But
Better

Loneliness is a frictionless erosion
A silent internal explosion
The walls crumble down
And even with crowds around
No one comes to check if you
Survived

Break down the walls
Surrounding you

Using them as bridges

Certain things about people
Make us want to keep them around
The first thing for me is the sound
Of your voice

I know you’ve
Walked on some coals from hell
You never want to go back
I walked there without my shoes

Your closet is like a rainbow,
just bent a little different
You’re the light source and
The light refracts through you

From your all-back Vans to your
Double beaded pearl hair band
You’re the collection of beautiful and comfortable
That the world has searched for

I know I can trust you with
The secrets of my life
Because even if you file them way
It’ll be organized and clean

When we invest ourselves into something
That offers no retribution
We’re already set up for failure
Aren't we idiots!

It’s been ten years since the stain glass window
I loved to look through
Shattered in front of me
The cuts go deeper than flesh and bones

If you are uncomfortable when you look in the mirror,
keep in mind:
We spent thousands of years
trying to convince the earth
she was flat.

We wrote her maps as evidence of the things we saw;
and she believed them.
She cried tsunamis, and had earthquake breakdowns.

Keep in mind: the Sun never gave up hope.
The earth will keep spinning and breathing
the star-dusty space void of encouragement.

Next time you look in the mirror
and second-guess your potential divinity,
remember you will keep shining and living.

Because the Sun is out there
believing in you,
compensating for lack of the human capacity
to treat each other empathically.

You don’t need proof or approval
to be exactly what you are;
Eventually everyone will see
your infinite beauty.

i've found
so many ways
to say
i love you.
recently,
i discovered
silence
can be the
loudest
of them all.

The more you hope for fairy tales
     the more you’ll think they’re true
How many times can a young boy’s heart
     be beaten black and blue?
The life of a romantic
     is the hardest one of all
You’re on the edge, of the highest cliff
     waiting to fly or simply fall
Like a rock or like a feather,
     we will all come down someday
Our hopes, ambitions and dreams are momentary
     fleeting
Not by any means to stay
So approach that cliff with certainty
The fall down is the most exhilarating
     type of harmony
Until the bottom welcomes her new guest
Jagged rocks intentionally rip open your chest
Just to find your heart

We can be just like
gravity and water,
Helping each other find
the easiest way to
*happily ever after

Darkness after lighting
Silence after thunder

Nothing compared to
Heartbreak after you

I strike a match
Light the fire
Not-
to watch the world burn
Rather-
to finally feel some warmth.

I play in the ashes
Footprints left behind
Not-
to get somewhere important
Rather-
to leave something I'll be remembered by

I say my prayers
Before I sleep
Not-
to get any sort of help
Rather-
to  make the world a better place

When you press your ear to my chest
Checking the life of my heart
I hope you can hear
What I was too afraid to say
"I love you," killed me
Because nothing is worth dying for
Quite like love
We're all going to die

Sometimes the crayon breaks in the middle of your drawing
That doesn't mean you stop; blend your sun-rays into skylines
You'll look like Van Gogh seeing
Setbacks as opportunities to find
Beauty you never would have thought to look for

I curse you
In all majesty
I curse the beat of angel wings
Float away from troubled days
Harp harmony soundtracks
I curse the demons
Un-caged and free
Purposefully torment me
I curse the sky
The sun and stars
The constant reminders of just how far
I’ve drifted from home
Rootless wanderer
Nomad without the right stride
I curse the ground
Final barrier between figurative
And physical hell
I curse the curses
I rely on all the wrong things
I curse myself
Faithless and stupid
Unwanted and lost
Looking for roots that look like
Home
Propelled by insanity
I call it faith

There's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I'm hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act crazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on

There's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

I’m sorry, Mother, for being something of a failure
And all the broken things
When I was a kid, I was angry
I kicked walls and dropped the dishes
I blamed it on slippery hands

Also, I’m sorry about the lies

I’m sorry I’m not a hero
Or brave

I couldn’t solve the problems of our family;
I tried
But I suppose passive-aggression
Isn’t the best form of problem solving

I am sorry
That your life is different than you planned
Even though it’s good now
I’m sorry I have nothing to do with that good
That you’re OK without me
You’re a better grandmother than I am a son

I am sorry that
You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you
And I hardly ever see you
Anymore

You never know when your pain only hurts so bad
As if it were screaming out loud
To get you to pay attention some how
About the greatness before
If you’re willing to leave the chartered shore
Be open to fear, to growth, to pain
In these opportunities of change you will rightfully reign
As king and captain of your soul
Bringing riches, treasures and glory
That “comfortable times” aren’t strong enough to teach

You define yourself by how you answer the door to Life
You develop yourself by how you knock on the door of Life

The world is waiting to offer a price on you set too low
Filled with can’t and don’t and wont
You can raise the price upon your head
By robbing Experience of her silver lining
In doing so, truly finding
How great you are and the change you can make
Don’t leave it to Fate – she’s just an excuse
To accept poor circumstances rather than create better ones
Stand strong – especially when you stand alone
Be the lone tree dwarfing fields of grass
Don’t give into the world and become another drone

Be yourself and have plenty
Define yourself and be happy

Depression means
I don’t swim in the ocean anymore
Because I’ve spent days drowning
In my own bed

Depression means
I don’t hug people anymore
Because every time I let go
I feel guilty for letting go
Too soon
Or too late

Depression means
I am difficult to love
Because I need you to be with me
But not too close or too long
But don’t stay away
Because I get lonely but also
Need isolation because I’m an introvert
Because my love language
Says I like receiving gifts
But whenever I get a gift
I feel like a burden
And I’m not worth whatever you paid for this
Because I have put a cost on myself
On my happiness
On my mind
Because anything more than $75 an hour
Won’t get me a return on my therapy investment
Because I sometimes see myself in the mirror
And wish I could disappear

Depression means
Life and death don’t feel all that different
Because they’re both terrible ******* options

Heaven won't

be full of people
who simply


avoided hell.

all the mothers
     strong enough
          to be a father too.

In a world
of trees, I
was born
a bird.

What would heaven look like
if you held
it
in your hands?

Love like the sun
Loves the earth
Ever since they met
They dance every day

The sun makes the earth
Look on the brighter side
The earth gives the sun
A reason to wake up

Love like the earth
Loves the sun
Because the earth isn’t distracted
By the stars and the moon

We named our brothers ****** Boy John
We shoveled indifference with our ignorance
Into the grave of civility and brotherhood
The white family – we are the majority in the school of intolerance
Leading to social starvation
A minority of one is not wrong or mad
One is the last line before
an infinite sea of negative
Under God we are all equal and even
I hope we’ve cracked the whip for the last time
One more might sound louder than Judas’s kiss on Jesus’s cheek
Whips of words are seen holstered
On the tips of tongues and the points of pens
If the worth of your values breaks, and dogmatic hate begins to leak
Then stick the gum of pride you’ve been chewing on for years
To protect whatever you have left
Dr. King was an inspired man and leader
He painted the pages of history with red, not black
Sacrificed his blood, while accepting his skin
It was the kind of idea that seemed too extreme
Never forget the words: **“I HAVE A DREAM!”

i am a flat line drum line
begging for a beat to feel alive
silence makes me lose rhythm
i must endure myself to survive

We go through H E L L (life)
To get to H E A V E N *(death)

Another year will take my hand
Last year left me
Long before December cold
Arctic soul in summertime
2014 is God’s gift to humanity
We weren’t supposed to survive
Past two years ago
We waste away in our victors time
Complacency robs your family
Of love, affection, compliments
And life
On gifted time from the divine
Don’t resolve to do this or that
"Work out three times a week"
"Stop drinking soda"
"Brush my teeth one more time a day"
Do not wait to make your change
Set your life correct today
In the modern society
The right is replaced with the easy
The easy job, the easy life
Step back and look with eyes
Blurred by tears of future regret
That easy never won
A single thing except for
******* misery
Be a hero, it’s in your bones
To save a life, even your own

We're all scared
of the same **** things
Of hurt and heartbreak
Love and longing
and losing it all
I fear your heart
As much as mine
A Ferris wheel I didn't want to ride
Sugar turned bitter
Like honey on the tongue of a bear
I fear touch because loving hands
Still swing ****** swords
My hopes are fallen
Like Zeus and gods
We fear life as if death were consequent for wrong answers
Instead of tomorrow
Meadows with flowers refusing to bloom
For ungrateful senses
If we can't see the pain
Failing to hide behind eyes
Then clouds will combine
Sun will forget the smell of earth
And sons won't look to fathers
Because belts aren't better
Than disappointing expectations
We all fear
Fear loves us
everyone
But I am someone
Even amongst everyone

For warm summer days
Spent in the company of friends
In earshot of ocean waves
With sandy feet and ice cream cones

For all the pretty girls
In smooth black dresses
With luscious lips and curvy hips
Walking in red stilettos or clean Nikes

For countless sleepless nights
Glow-in-the-dark paint fights
Movies till dawn
Plenty of sneaking around

For the memories we make
For the laughter we share
For the love we have (and lose)
For the God we know

stories can be poems
and this is a story
but when i call it a story
i mean i hope it has an ending
because when i found out i might have cancer
all i could think about was that end
the post-****** descent into
nothing
final full stop
no more pages
no more breath
because they say beauty is
in the eye of the beholder
and my eyes are
magnificent
malignant
my detriment
pop a piece of spearmint
because when you think you'll die
but you don't want people
to feel bad for you
you tell them only the good news

It only takes
a
pinprick
to shatter
your entire heart.