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Oct 2019 · 338
One Day (10W)
Muggle Ginger Oct 2019
slip unnoticed
of this broken
Mar 2018 · 287
Depression means...
Muggle Ginger Mar 2018
Depression means
I don’t swim in the ocean anymore
Because I’ve spent days drowning
In my own bed

Depression means
I don’t hug people anymore
Because every time I let go
I feel guilty for letting go
Too soon
Or too late

Depression means
I am difficult to love
Because I need you to be with me
But not too close or too long
But don’t stay away
Because I get lonely but also
Need isolation because I’m an introvert
Because my love language
Says I like receiving gifts
But whenever I get a gift
I feel like a burden
And I’m not worth whatever you paid for this
Because I have put a cost on myself
On my happiness
On my mind
Because anything more than $75 an hour
Won’t get me a return on my therapy investment
Because I sometimes see myself in the mirror
And wish I could disappear

Depression means
Life and death don’t feel all that different
Because they’re both ******* terrible options
Feb 2018 · 354
Silly Boy
Muggle Ginger Feb 2018
I am not a Phoenix waiting for rebirth
I am a silly boy dressed in feathers
thinking that Mardi Gras could bring me joy
I am not trying to disguise a part of me
I am trying to become something new entirely
Jan 2018 · 208
Muggle Ginger Jan 2018
You will find no cross
There will be no stone
On the side of the road
On your way back home
Jan 2018 · 285
Muggle Ginger Jan 2018
The blurry world in my eyes
My flimsy knees like grain of rye
Open mouth and silly yawn
Snap my fingers and I’m gone
Nov 2017 · 337
Sleep Text
Muggle Ginger Nov 2017
The the night stars
Spin around the sky
Like thoughts of you

You can have the poems
And the taco
Don’t you deserve them both?

Like knowing you are a queen
Forever and tonight in my eyes
I hold my hands in prayer
To be able to see you

Poems are words and emotions too
Please see them together
I need to say these things to you

I don’t have the word
For how cute i think you are
You smile is something in my heart

Please don’t cry because
I’m not there to dry your tears
Grab the blanket and be happy
Don’t cry
I want to feel your skin again
Aug 2017 · 248
Muggle Ginger Aug 2017
It's okay to close your eyes
I will see you through the night
And the world will come crawling
But I am here; you will be alright

So lay your soul into bed
I know your days have felt so long
Like the weight of worlds is yours to hold
I hope your dreams come with this song

It's okay to be afraid
I know the world is ****** up for you
But baby you have angels
My God and these angels, we will get you through
Feb 2017 · 723
Muggle Ginger Feb 2017
stories can be poems
and this is a story
but when i call it a story
i mean i hope it has an ending
because when i found out i might have cancer
all i could think about was that end
the post-****** descent into
final full stop
no more pages
no more breath
because they say beauty is
in the eye of the beholder
and my eyes are
my detriment
pop a piece of spearmint
because when you think you'll die
but you don't want people
to feel bad for you
you tell them only the good news
Feb 2017 · 572
What a Mess
Muggle Ginger Feb 2017
i am nothing
more than a messy tourist
don't do more than make
me a couch because despite my words
i will likely not
be staying long
i am clumsy
i drop things like your
i scramble to collect the pieces
realize i was never that good
at art
just throw my efforts into the bin
how careless i am
to think that your life is a bin
that it's something i even had permission
to touch
when i come to town and want to stop by
maybe we can go dancing
like streets lights that are slow songs
not even red can make us stop
until you realize
i hitched a ride as soon as my thumb
wasn't wrapped in your hand
let me go.
don't invite me back.
i'll be on the road for a while
telling stories about
midnight memories, chilly museums, the sound of your heart beat
i will say
it sounded like home.
but i was too careless to let her hear the beat of my own
Jan 2017 · 401
Dear Mother,
Muggle Ginger Jan 2017
I’m sorry, Mother, for being something of a failure
And all the broken things
When I was a kid, I was angry
I kicked walls and dropped the dishes
I blamed it on slippery hands

Also, I’m sorry about the lies

I’m sorry I’m not a hero
Or brave

I couldn’t solve the problems of our family;
I tried
But I suppose passive-aggression
Isn’t the best form of problem solving

I am sorry
That your life is different than you planned
Even though it’s good now
I’m sorry I have nothing to do with that good
That you’re OK without me
You’re a better grandmother than I am a son

I am sorry that
You’re happier than I’ve ever seen you
And I hardly ever see you
Jan 2017 · 271
To be honest,
Muggle Ginger Jan 2017
i do not care
how loudly you speak to me
as long as it's true
Dec 2016 · 289
Muggle Ginger Dec 2016
They called it weakness
You called it ashes
Regardless from
Where you came
You were born into
This strength
Dec 2016 · 528
Aren't We All Learning
Muggle Ginger Dec 2016
I don't know how to accept compliments
Like I don't know how to load a gun
And I'm afraid to learn because
I've never wanted to **** myself for trying to learn something new

Do not recoil when I forget how to hug
Because I've never wanted to escape something so badly that felt like home

Nomads can only remember what home means
When they taste it in freshly baked bread
And when you don't have to knock to come in
I have been knocking on vacant doors
And my knuckles didn't offer their blood in exchange for your absence

I do not know how to ask for help
Like I know how to load of gun
Because I guess a little practice is all it takes
And I could only focus on one thing at a time
Nov 2016 · 568
Waiting to Rebuild (10W)
Muggle Ginger Nov 2016
I am living in the ruins
of a
broken heart
Oct 2016 · 259
Living like gods (10W)
Muggle Ginger Oct 2016
To be a legend
Get you into heaven
Oct 2016 · 539
Muggle Ginger Oct 2016
What is lost in the fire
will be found in the ashes
If I am willing to endure
this inevitable rebirth
Oct 2016 · 563
Muggle Struggle
Muggle Ginger Oct 2016
I have no expectation for things to last.
Everything has a clock, an expiration date, an erosive half-life.
After taking stock of my current relationships,
I realized I'm hesitant to invest in people
because I don't think people will stick around.

People change.
People leave.

And for people who don't deal with change well
like me
that means
a sort of implosion.
Humans constantly assume different roles.

Mothers become grandmothers,
friends become strangers,
brothers become fathers.

With that, even family will leave you behind--
out of sight out of mind.
And I haven't been thought of in such a long time
I begin to think
no one will ever see me again.
Now I'm just wishing I can be useful in some way, so I can stop feeling like the world is tired of carrying me.

I sit,
watching people pass by as their world changes,
and mine falls apart.
Muggle Ginger Aug 2016
In a world
of trees, I
was born
a bird.
Aug 2016 · 1.5k
Finding the Right Person
Muggle Ginger Aug 2016
Neither of us is God
but I finally found
someone who
answers my prayers
Jul 2016 · 697
Black Soul Down
Muggle Ginger Jul 2016
Loneliness is a frictionless erosion
A silent internal explosion
The walls crumble down
And even with crowds around
No one comes to check if you
Jul 2016 · 274
I Am
Muggle Ginger Jul 2016
A haunted house
People are
Looking for the exit
Jul 2016 · 298
Wanting to Hear the Noise
Muggle Ginger Jul 2016
My vocal chords are exhausted
Sound no longer escapes my mouth
Yelling for help
Screaming for hope
For so long has taken it’s toll
Except I have never made a sound
Because depression is not something
People want to talk about
So I’ve kept it to myself
Shouting so loud my mind has gone deaf
And maybe that’s why
All it can think about
Is silence
Jul 2016 · 324
Puddle Jumping (10W)
Muggle Ginger Jul 2016
She jumped from love to love
Faster than falling rain
Jun 2016 · 585
What am I worth?
Muggle Ginger Jun 2016
I cost more than
I will ever
be worth.

I cannot repay the price
of knowing me.

Because I am damaged goods.

Sold as-is.

No return; no exchange.

That is why
I often find myself
tossed by the wayside--

Landfill graveyards.
Jun 2016 · 312
Muggle Ginger Jun 2016
You feel like the dark night sky
Making the rest of us shine like stars
When the morning crosses horizons
You think you fade away
But without knowing
You have always been the sun
Jun 2016 · 431
There Was a Thunder Storm
Muggle Ginger Jun 2016
We are simple raindrops
Swinging in the storm
And for a single moment
The fall isn’t bad at all

Thunder cracks
Resurrects our hearts from
An early grave
And we smile louder than
The universe

Lightning arrives
It makes the nighttime
Come alive
Suddenly we realize
The darkness will never win

We are simple raindrops
Swinging in the storm
As though this could start
Something more beautiful
May 2016 · 284
Muggle Ginger May 2016
Sometimes when people write my name,
They write GREAT
And it reminds me
It’s not so bad to be a mistake
May 2016 · 449
No Man Show
Muggle Ginger May 2016
My life is a monologue--
No one auditioned for the play
Here I am fumbling,
Forgetting what to say
Muggle Ginger May 2016
I was walking the streets of Amsterdam
Trying to figure out the type of man that I am
The red lights filling the black night
My heart was torn between the sultry things
And the hope of stability
A life without despair or fear
Unsettled and unfilled I went looking for thrills

I wandered on

Braving the cold Icelandic seas
I was diving into the depths of me
Finding the treasures I’ve buried deep
Hoping to find what everyone says they see
Because I’m tired of mirrors trying to flee
No evidence that I have an ounce of worth
I set out to find my place on earth

I wandered on

Serving to clean the streets of Brazil
How could I give to earn my fill
I fell in love with every person I met
Drinking tea on summer days
Like the world wasn’t as bad as they say
I paid for heaven with sweat and faith
Instead of indebting my life to death

I wandered on

I saw England, I saw France
After sinning we agreed to dance
To pretend were weren’t broken sculptures
Thrown across the floor
We kept each other begging for more
Good day my love, avoir my friend

I wandered on

I found my end
In heaven I reflect on my wandering heart
How it nearly tore my soul apart
I sought for peace and chased my love
God has taught me to look within
Find a fiber of faith to begin
Now look around and find your friends
You’re the answer to their tearful prayers
Be the one to show you care
Don’t wander past your current place
Until you’ve extended your hand of grace

I’ve wandered on
Unedited work-in-progress.
May 2016 · 322
By Small & Simple Things
Muggle Ginger May 2016
"I don't wan't to live"
Is not the same as
"I want to die"

Please give me a reason
Maybe start by saying
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
I have all my stories left to tell
But I may not make it
I'm pleading with God's angels
To pull me from this hell
Apr 2016 · 606
If Only I Knew How to Fly
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
Give me a halo
And call me an angel
The demons are shouting
To finally let go
I'm still on this ledge
Look out below
Apr 2016 · 290
Short term memory
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
It's humbling to realize
How quickly
How often
How easily
We are forgotten.
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
All the Help I Almost Asked For
Step More Than Jump
A Height High Enough
Building Bombshell Honesty
Brother What's Your Name
Last Child, First Regret
More Ever More
I've Been Gone a Long While
Mentally Mapping the Unimaginable
Apr 2016 · 638
Certainty I've Never Had
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
i've found
so many ways
to say
i love you.
i discovered
can be the
of them all.
Apr 2016 · 373
Ruins to Rebuild
Muggle Ginger Apr 2016
We texted back and forth about how fine things were
Silent calls for help for the hell
We were wanderers
I said things like, “What does sadness sound like?”
To which she replied, “It sounds like me”
We had each other in voiceless thoughts
That were gathered in the energy of eternity
I hope she’ll find the hope she gave
On hopeless days
When it was all planned to end
I hope to see the words she prayed
Tattooed across my chest reminding me:
I was never alone
Hearts that yearned for the other’s joy
We continued to walk through hell
Unknowingly side by side
Mar 2016 · 343
Truth of Lies
Muggle Ginger Mar 2016
"I am not depressed."
It is easier to say,
I still don’t believe myself.
What can I say?
I’m a liar.
Mar 2016 · 360
Risky Eyes
Muggle Ginger Mar 2016
I live inside thundering skies
Disguised by silence in my eyes
So walk with me through summer fields
You’ll never know the things I feel
Protect yourself and run away
But in the storm I stay
I stay until the end
To know where my heart begins
The darkness here is too great to bear
This life is anything but fair
So leave me behind and let me go
Dec 2015 · 1.2k
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
I'll show you we had a spark
Even if I have to burn us down
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
You didn’t let me finish my greeting
But I suppose I’m a prophet
Because I described how I’m now feeling
Dec 2015 · 467
The Best Medicine (10W)
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
she laughs
like a chandelier
that could outshine the
Dec 2015 · 457
This Heart, This Life
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
My heart is a tomb I sealed with a stone
I am patiently waiting for resurrection
But the last year has been the longest three days of my life
As I keep waiting for heaven I can't stop thinking of hell
And wonder, if this wasn't like when Lucifer fell
He left the presence of God with his plan in hand
Thinking, "if only they'd understand"
Now he lurks in my mind
hiding in shadows
My candle-lit lanterns aren't bright enough to expel all of my doubts
So I bare before congregations the shouts of my belief
Like I believe i'm worth all the effort of this plan
Like God's arm doesn't tire from always extending his hand
Like there's something better than a sealed-tomb heart
On the morning of resurrection I wonder what I'll see
I wonder what I'll be
Because being me feels like darkness grew legs
I've been walking around casting shadows, mixing white and black
On a paint palate and leaving the world grey
I've nothing of value to say
so the world is a little more bleak
People are tired of my grey streak across their life portraits
Of goals and dreams and even accepted realities
Like they stopped praying to God for a miracle because those don't fit in routine
Being average doesn't cost as much effort
But I'm willing to pay
Even if I have to scrape and save every penny of self-praise
I will give it all I've got, I've got time
Because my heart is a tomb waiting for resurrection
And I'm sure any cost will be worth perfection
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
Titles of a Suicide Note
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
1.     I really tried
2. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough
3. Why did I always think everything was about me?
4. You were my angel
5. My demons were too strong
6. I never look people in the eyes because I'm afraid they'll see through my windows and see that there's not light inside
They'll see my secret pain
The monsters gain
Persuasion in the argument
If I should live or die
7. The mask wasn’t supposed to stay on forever but people seemed to like it better than my sadness and sadness doesn’t always cooperate with my plans. Like sometimes sadness just wants to stretch his legs across my face leaving traces that look like tired eyes and furrowed brows. Sadness, like water, will take the path of least resistance from the world to heart and back. Self-endulgend, sadness begs for hosts without every bothering to host the party because sadness doesn’t mind if he overstays his welcome.
8. I was 17 when he died, it has been eight years
9. If I can't win the fight to stay
If I lose and go my way
I have to believe things will be OK
Because your grief won't come
From the fact that I am gone
Maybe you'll think about what
We could have done to better get along
10. You won’t often think of me
So let me go, let me be free
Your mind is the sun
Confidence and clean
11. My mind is a terror
That doesn't deal in dream
In years to come, perhaps
You think of us
A memory we shared
12. I wish I let you in and feel a connection
Isolationist tendencies are decidedly not the best strategy
So my island is a prison
Not a blessed reclusion from the judgments of my mental illness
I'm simply in denial to any sickness at all
Dec 2015 · 643
Airport Security
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
I always feel like running away
Taking the next flight to anywhere
Because maybe depression is something
That will be confiscated in security
It’s more life threatening than
Any 3 oz. of liquid
Dec 2015 · 611
Muggle Ginger Dec 2015
i am a flat line drum line
begging for a beat to feel alive
silence makes me lose rhythm
i must endure myself to survive
Nov 2015 · 702
I Felt
Muggle Ginger Nov 2015
I felt
like I had to be cautious
Because the crunch of every footstep
Was going to wake a sleeping giant
Kind of like when I coughed all night
As a kid
Mother was going to have to take care of me
From dusk till dawn
Sometimes people are worth more than sleep
I felt
Like that wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen
It’s been so long since I felt the embrace
Of someone who really wanted to be there
I felt
Like I was finally home
The snow was a blanket that wasn’t cold
And I gratefully snuggled in
The sun was my brother
Showing me a better way
Out of the darkness
I felt
At peace in a torrential world
All of my pieces could finally find a place
I could fit them together
In way that doesn’t make me second guess
Everything I see in the mirror
I felt
I could finally figure out how to be on my own
Like being on my own wasn’t so bad
Because I didn’t feel alone
Despite no having anyone around
I felt
It’s possible to find a purpose
Even without a home, without family or friend
I felt
I could find a purpose that came from within
I felt
That changed everything
Because it’s been so long
Since I felt
At all
Nov 2015 · 845
We Feign Intimacy
Muggle Ginger Nov 2015
I was just standing there
Feeling the way the earth moved
I thought we were dancing
The earth was spinning
Without noticing my desperation
Nov 2015 · 407
Tough Choices
Muggle Ginger Nov 2015
"Happiness is a decision"
Is something I hear people say often
"Happiness is a decision"
Please tell that to my depression
Tell Depression that I never invited her over
We are a blind date ambush I didn’t agree to
My friend Anxiety set us up because we would make a good match
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my insomnia
Full of conversation pieces that only serve to resist the edge of sleep
My insomnia has become acquainted with depression
And neither care for happiness
They would rather talk about my lonliness
As if it weren’t in the room
But my lonely is always around as the friend I know best of all
Because I don’t make friends very easily
I am an awkward introvert
When I learn what people think of me
I cant help but hurt
There are high expectations I know I’ll never live up to
Even my mother has moved on to grandkids who still have time
To not disappoint her
"Happiness is a choice"
Please tell that to my face
I will try to believe you
My cohort of friends inside my head
Will likely disagree
This is a work in progress...
Nov 2015 · 745
One More Mistake
Muggle Ginger Nov 2015
I feel like I will break your heart
Despite my best efforts
Because my best is often not enough
For people I like

From day to day I might not change
Despite your best efforts
Because your best is often not enough
For someone like me

My body is hollowed from the outside
My soul is spilling out
Soon I’ll only be a rusty tap
Drip drip drip drip
I am your repetition

Please protect yourself
If you’re going to love me
It will be a war
From which we won't return

This shell-shock attitude;
I am broken
A veteran trying to make sense of
Warless times

The nightmares illuminate my dreams
I lose sleep staring at eyes
I will never see

Here is your warning:
I love you.
Here is your death sentence:
You love me too.
Aug 2015 · 663
Muggle Ginger Aug 2015
It wasn’t the time
To start dropping lines
About love and forever
So I hung “I love you”
In my closet
Next to the skeleton
Who’s been begging
To see the sunlight
Sometimes we let our hearts
Act as a vault instead of
A home
We lock things away
Trying to protect them and
Keep them safe
But ultimately
Everything dies
Emotions fade because
Even though we say “forever”
Forever has a way
Of changing people
Cursed be the man who isn’t
Changed by time and experience
So locked away in my heart
“I love you” began to decay
soon it’ll be another skeleton
I’m afraid will come tumbling out
So instead of saying anything
I’ll give you the combination to my vault
And hopefully you like what you find
Like maybe it reminds you of treasure
Something you will want to keep
Instead of selling it so you have enough change
To wash your ***** sheets
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