Everything you ever saw
Everything you worked for
Everything you ever knew
Every love you found
Every friend you made
Everything that you hold dear
Everything you needed
Will one day
All be gone.

I have outlived suffering,
I have endured pain.
I have gently walked
thru fire and rain.
I have swallowed anger,
I have eaten sin.
I have bled
and lost what lies within.
I have surpassed doubt,
I have suppressed blame.
I have taken stock
of what remains.
I have absorbed sadness,
I have taken loss.
I have appraised the damage
and paid the cost.
I have been loveless,
I have been true.
I will never
be beaten by you.

I'm vexed to stay
waking up
With a head full of holes.
Each day repeats its
Punishment
For things I can't recall.
Sleep till midday,
Curse the days wide expanse.
Scrape words from my skull,
Chop meat from my bones,
Sew my mouth shut.
Still it's not enough.
Trying to reach you
But there's no forgiveness
for this clumsy emotion.
I'm a cold fish,
Or loving beyond control.
Hold me, generously
Undo my buttons —
                  talk *****.
Lose control and find me.
I was something once.

I keep waiting
For you to say "hi"
For that moment of
weakness.
For you to think
of me
A stray memory,
Conflicting with my
Constant yearning.
An urgency
You can't control.
But it never comes.
I keep waiting —
Heartbroken,
Foolish
Left behind.

Down into the ocean
black.
In the bitter grasp of pain.
Falling,
Never looking back.
Not a trace of me remains.
Dragged deeper
by my heart, a stone.
Flesh undone
by careless deed.
Loveless —
Drowning, coldly stung.
Without care or hope or need.
Hold me close, oh silent death!
Nameless
in my last goodbye.
Happy to retreat at last,
As I learned
that love will die.

There is a distance,
Between us.
Not measured in metres or feet
Not governed by proximity.
Though you may touch my skin,
Hold me close
I am not there.
I wish it were not so,
That we can only be strangers,
Widening each day.

I hid you under layers
Bright lies I told myself
In order to forget.
The words you sent
Once catalogued & treasured
Stopped my progress
Or the days that passed.
My eyes closed
Trying to unthink you —
A ghost in the attic,
The pain I can't be without.
I erased emails.
Messages.
Phone numbers.
My heart. My soul.
Yet you still remain.

I gave away nothing.
You took it all
Piece by piece
Ugliness, it's slow release
My mewling heart
My flaming tongue
My savage soul
All came undone
The years unkind
The air — now stale
I'm tired of
this sorry tale
Just leave,
So I can make my choice
Turn out the lights
And dim the noise
Let me close my eyes and die.
My smile
will be the last goodbye.

She is gone.
Pack importance neatly away,
Strike dumb the dialogue,
Blur the details,
Lay dreams in the dark.
Dismantle the stage,
Make each player retire,
Tear up scripts,
Hush all ad libs and quips.
Lose joy in white noise,
Forget breath,
**** desire —
Let all souls expire.
No beauty awaits,
Beyond pearly gates.
Kick out the chair,
Let me swing in dead air.

The life I knew
Was no great wonder
No endless sunsets,
No dreams made flesh.
No great plans
Newborns. Sweet infants
Or expectations.
I was just a rotten
Soul
            lost to dark banks
Night skies.
Raw young kisses
Idiot lust
With no tomorrow.

It wasn't much.
Just enough to miss.

Your Goodbye
Removed me
from
                    the world,
Taking everything
Everything I had.
Now each day
I start and end
In nothingness,
Wretched
Without
friends,
Harmony,
Warmth.
I want to begin
With Goodbye and
Never return.

Upon opening my eyes
I saw that there was nothing left.
No tenuous threads of plans
Nothing familiar
Just a distance
Leaving me wholly untouched,
As the world writhes
United with love and expectation.
My only possession
A counterfeit
Joy.
Absent participation.
Loveless but loving.
Burning underground
Bound by sleep.
An existence
exchanged for hours.
This day,
Like every other
Ending without
consequence
Every breath, a defeat
With nothing to show.
Your embrace —
My fondest memory.
I died a thousand deaths
To let you go.

She was my sun
I was lucky to cast
shadows
Against her brilliance
Her warm fingertips,
rays of light
Upon my skin.
Bathing me with glory
Resplendent
Morning light.
A universe of harmony
Sown over my
chaos black soul.
Each word now fading
As the light.
Back to a sunless
Existence —
Ugly reality in my veins.
Colder for having known
Her.
An unlikely conjunction
Unforgotten.
I search the sky
Each day
Knowing she won't return.

This midnight hour,
Burning in the brightness of my hell.
You left your mark.
Settled our terms.
Defined our tragedy,
(Ridiculous for all to see).
Cut to ribbons.
And left
Love to hang its head in shame.
Soon we'll mean less than nothing to each other.
How did it come to this?

"Most people aren't happy you know."
a statement
earnest in its desperation
a broken bond
t r i c k l i n g
from your throat
inane
and
wheezing
I'm not like you
I'm a cold, dead species
the hollow son
a shadow on the wall
I'm a tourist in your ******* world
neither
among you
nor
of you
sinfully removed
dancing on the tips of spears
above the pantomime
sick
and free
and cruelly
brash
tho.
above the door
the sign reads...

I don't know how it happened.
This leviathan,
Dismissed so casually.
All glory —
Now fading and unknown.
Promises emptily rescinded,
Without consequence.
Without care.
The woman only known in my arms.
Now happy without this tender embrace.
One of us in ruins.
One of us reborn.
All passion and fury denied...
Rendered in pity,
Shameful and frail.
Once a lion,
Once a titan,
Once a myth!
Now a fool.
You are the hunger I never knew.
The night rain.
The stars.
What is left without you?
Only disgrace,
Only mourning.
Empty breath.

I regret nothing.

We like to pretend life was better
But the past was just as cruel.
People were not kinder,
The world — no more innocent,
We just had more light in our hearts.

We are finite.
Each of us,
Limited — In light,
                    In heart,
                    In purpose.
We are ants,
Scurrying
Between raindrops.
Lost in hives,
Lost in war,
Lost in consciousness.
We are a ticking clock.
We are dying love.
Clinging — to hope,
                     to family,
                     to possessions.
Terrified of the truth.
That there is no order.
That there is no meaning.
That there is only fear.

I want to let go —
To leave this pain
                this emptiness
behind.

In contrast to my heart —
The days are warm
Sunrays wreak kind destruction
Upon just and unjust
Without favour
          or consideration.

The sickly light bathes us all
Without mercy
Exposing those
         who wish to remain hidden.

Winter in my heart, Summer eternally.

Though I scream & drag
life into broken lungs
There is no breath to be
found within. These
empty moments tick
without consequence
or meaning. Living is a
state of mind without
desire we pluck rose
petals for the ******.

What we knew
As love,
Now only sickens
Our hearts.
Our memory.
We are fallen,
Graceless.
Sacrificial lambs —
Hungry
For
Our
Fate.

I wish I could explain
The tide
Of pain,
That swept aside
The spark of youth
Burning bright
It dimmed the truth.
A darkness
Consuming hope and care
Leaving only hate,
Despair.
A splinter
Buried in my skin
Rotting all that's good
Within.
Now what remains
Is just a husk,
Emptiness
from dawn to dusk.
I wish I could explain
This fate
But even now
It's just too late.

Sorry. I fell back into
decay.
All silence hides its meaning
Words would fail,
If you knew them.
Your hand will slip from mine.
Boredom will excuse you.
As will I.
Under sapped skies
I watched them leave,
Each more precious than
The last.
I'm never going back.
They made their peace
By lying through their teeth.
Roses in the hospital,
Promises only last so long.

the steps I took
to hide myself, in caves
in darkest woods.
Here lies the long forgotten
Wolf.

I fell through the cracks,
Of existence —
Behind shadows
Past the burning stars.
Knowing
The silent comfort of
Liquid black finality.

This appointment for you to ****
dissect the scattered patterns
                  sinking in my skull
Do I struggle
against intrusion?
alien footsteps
in fear, desperation, in woe
My burning tears seen as weakness
madness —
an irresponsible lie
I'm stronger, I'm gentler than
you can understand.
Golden moon and Stars aglow
A monster
mitigating my own pain

disappointing all that I know.

Sleep
my abandon,
Where I run with wolves
in the forest.
Where I am King and nothing.
In slumber
free from torment
At peace
Until the dawn.
I see oblivion
when I close my eyes.
If I know happiness
It is there,
Godly
Among the nothingness.
Hoping to remain.

I can't undo the past,
I won't take steps
To forget our time together.
I won't make new mistakes,
To fake a life of meaning.
I won't demonize your heart,
To justify my pain.
I won't bawl and **** and fight
To feel alive again.
I won't.
I can't.
This love
Was beautiful.
It cannot be undone.

Inner decay,
My defence no longer intact
Barriers broken.
Compassion tangled up
With the oldest revelation of pain.
Unrecognisable to my former incarnation,
I was a lover.
Desirable. Unstoppable.
Before the rot set in.
You wouldn't know me now,
If I am still "me".
I miss the love given
So easily.
I miss the gaze you gave me in that
Smoky nightclub.
I miss being held like I had value,
Golden against your heart.
To feel loved —
It's just a memory.

My love burned away,
Like wax.
Leaving just the wick.
A psyche left exposed,
A soul now raw and sick.
Though complications ended,
The days left in-between.
I live among the shades
Passing by unseen.

Waiting.
This sweet ****** cycle,
Into dust—
Into dust!
Endless.

SPEAK or you'll be forgotten.
Creation without thought
without merit.
express without care
kisses void on
yesterday's love
(without question).
your ugly youth,
Clutching at straws
Stained by inexperience
desperate to be
misunderstood
there's nothing raw
within you.
Just play the game
Mouthing words
you couldn't understand.

I wish
I found it easy
To cut my losses
Instead of my wrists.

Is it worse
to hope or
know that
hope is hopeless?

I have no fear of death.
            no heart to break.
            nothing to spoil.
            no love to fake.
There are no repercussions.
      I have nothing to lose.
              
                                   I should be free.

On every leaf,
Of every tree
And beautiful in memory.
A girl in black
Shared her love with me —
Secrets dark and true.
In each word,
I see remain
Nothing greater than her name.
Written, sweetly still.
In empty voices,
All around
Her gentle voice can still be found.
Reaching, softly still.
On every wave,
Of every sea
And beautiful in memory.
A girl in black
Shared her love with me —
Secrets dark and true.

In you I knew love.
Not the tired fumblings of ecstasy.
Not unreal in expectation.
Never staged,
Unrealistic.
But something new —
Handmade,
Resplendent.
Warmth, shelter, nourishment.
Fever, passion, majesty.
Acceptance, forgiveness, rebirth.
Endless gifts!
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways.

All things move toward their end.
Now without you.
In mourning,
A final lesson.
Your happiness is my true desire.
I'll be here.
Always.
Remember me,
My love.

There is love in
my shadows
Tucked away,
In my dusky soul.
Resplendent
In its legend.
Written in
another
Tongue.
It's there.
Among the Ruins.

The promise
of emptiness
Is no reward for
the miles you
Walked
on daggers.

Silence — our silence,
Unspooling,
Gone now, and ****** with the wolves.
Dethroned,
Without importance.

Friday night
Used to bring delight,
Revelry
Now only stings
with loneliness
You, swimming
In your lover's arms
As I break.
Let it out,
They say.
Why?
It only pours down
the drain,
Rushing like doom
Dragging me further
into darkness.
Each morning
I wake to find you gone.
Pain circling,
Hungry to feast
Upon me
Again.

I saw roses in bloom
Yet only remember the thorns.

I'm trying to be a good and patient man.
Purpose-built in her honour.
Each missing aspect,
Quantified by necessity.
To reconstruct
This urgent self.
Block by block.
Measure for measure.
A lie,
Built on truth.
Beauty,
Born of ash.
Love,
Stacked on sorrow.

My words are wearing thin.
Each night, I write
Only to leave nothing
Behind.
*Erase the past,
Remove the future.

This regret,
This division.
Love's exit wound.
A fragmented heart —
Good but now damaged,
Weary.
Buckled under the weight
Of sweet intention.
Perfect vows.
Empty exhalations
In crystal air.
Beautiful in their impotence.
Hurried
last
gasps.
Needles in skin.
Pricking tenderly,
A gentle torment.
Like lips on skin.

It's easy to forget,
To become lost.
To sidestep this wound,
To smile,
To subvert,
To walk away.
To reject the pain of being a man.
To choose my monstrous shadow,
A cocoon.
Pale and absent.
Without consequence.
Without emotion.
Without need.
To stride across burning bridges.
Impervious.
And
never
look
back.

My actions have a name —
Social Suicide
A cannibalistic act.
Burrowing deep
into the earth
Where the dead lay twitching.
Unhook myself from the past,
The people I knew,
Counted as friends.
They never grieved my loss,
Superficial love kills quickly.
Ain't it funny?
Can't sleep anymore,
I just wander in the dark
Till morn.
The moon and stars
Looking down,
they won't miss me either.

My heaven
is knowing you exist,
And that you once loved me.
My hell
is all that followed.

To give away love,
Is like letting blood.
Drop by drop
An ocean is formed.
Tho I will not remain,
To gaze
upon
the waves.