I am more than my thoughts
More than the mountains that
Move in my mind.
The ones that shift over time
That wreck me
Pin me down
Until I cannot climb them anymore.
Who lit the fire in my heart?
To stay with you
To never be apart
To mend me to your wellbeing,
To **** me when you're not seeing.
Why do I hurt
Why do I stall
Why do I think I feel nothing at all?
When really I feel everything all at once.
So intensely that I cannot recall
Why we were arguing
And just that you're wrong.
And why did my father have to betray me?
Why did my mother never come to save me?
Why did I wait and never call out—
Why did I hinder and let myself down?
How can such trauma at such a young age
Tear me down and do nothing but degrade
The human I am.
The Human I’ve become.

I am human

But how can I be when I cannot feel safe
Without someone else beside me who stays.
I do love myself and sometimes I feel great
But I need you too for some help along the way.
I'm shuddering now at the thoughts in my head;
The ones who are happy but wishing I were dead.
Who knows me better than I know myself?
But somehow you come back to every thought that I have.
I can never escape this,
I can never replace this.

As I sit outside and watch the daylight,
I am utterly alone.

Gray clouds hypnotize my eyes,
And I become entranced in the melancholic weather.
                                                                
I feel the frigid air on my skin
As people rush past me to get inside
Where the warmth is in abundance,
But I remain in the cold.

Gentle gusts of wind melt me down;
I feel my body going numb
But I won’t give in now--

I need to feel something.

If there is nothing within me,
Then what am I without?
Unsettling thoughts fill my skull
And I’m left deluged in my self-doubt.

Two halves make a whole,
But I am shattered into pieces.
Each piece was stolen by another
Which I can never get back.

Innocence is the elixir that we all crave.
But what happens when it’s ripped from you at a young age?
What happens when their hands roam your body freely
While you’re chained to the bed frame.

I’m begging you now for one embrace
To feel hands that are kind and not defiled with hate.
I don’t know who I am,
I just want to be saved…

As I sit outside and watch the daylight,
My emotions attack my heart.
I feel the blood running rampant within me.

I’m not going to fall apart.

My eyes were closed.
The rise and fall of my chest syncopated to the rise and fall of the sun.
That's when I felt it--
Each fingertip penetrating deep into my rib cage
Until my fresh heart was encapsulated in her hands.
I was entranced in her gaze while she watched me curiously;
As if she were waiting for my life to subside.
A slow hand lifted to her face with my heart drawing closer to her lips.
I watch as her pure white teeth sink in and she watches me as I writhe in sin.
Nothing but sheer pleasure is on her grin until it turns to a grimace.
She spits the blood back into my face
And launches my heart back into its cage
But it doesn't feel quite the same.
The bite wound will never repair itself, the tissue will never regenerate
Because she decided my shade of blood wasn't good enough anymore
And that she never liked the way it tasted to begin with.

I open my eyes to a dark room,
Yet I am engulfed more and more with each frantic blink.
My eyes should be adjusted but something isn't right this time.
His rugged hands have sewn these eyes open.

The needle passes through my skin like a knife through warmed butter
And I try to deter each swooping movement
But a strong foreign grip locks me into position;
There's not enough time in the night.

A scene replayed from long ago
Is etched into the brain that I cannot control.
It pains me to see this night return
As if fate had willed it to happen in the first place.

Memories are lost in translation
And these unnatural sensations are overpowering me.
The fingerprints trailed up and down my psyche
Until they stole my identity away.

He never paid the entrance fee
But I covered it for him, just this time.
I had no money to spare to the wickedness that greeted me,
But they said my innocence was enough.

Now I pace impatiently and grasp at false notions
That I could be revived
Or that you could tell the truth one time.
You've corrupted my entire entity and I was left to wash up the blood.

The sick part is that I love the taste too much to watch it go.
I'd rather be burned down with a thousand matches
Before I'd see her run free.
It's too sad to think about now so we better hurry.

Rush the blade across the flesh that surrounds my heart
And take it all for yourself as you did before--
As you'll do again.
It's not my cycle to break.

I set the pace of my breathing to match the healing of my heart;
It's painfully slow and I'm not sure how much more it can take.
I watch myself from outside the window
As my chest struggles to rise against your weight.

I'm lying down and she knows how difficult it is for me
Yet she takes another step until both feet are firmly planted on top of my ribcage.
Gravity crushes every glimmer of hope that I had to make it through this task alive.
Once she sees the light leave my eyes she begins to relieve the pressure.

The world around me is hard to discern.
My eyes are unable to frame each detail which engulfs my body,
But when I look at her it's like God himself has washed me clean
And I am able to make out the outline of something I once loved.

But I can't help but to writhe in discomfort as his arms wrap around her waist
While I diligently sweep the floor that they dance across.
My head is drawn down towards the ground in an attempt to spare myself--
It didn't work.

I tried.
Oh god, did I try,
But my limbs became too heavy to withstand the weight of you leaving me,
So I had to slip outside.

This heart feels foreign as it battles for its life.
I do not know her anymore.
Green eyes have become desaturated and all I can envision is a hollowed body.
Are you really doing okay?

If there is a god, or if magic was real I think I'd wish for her to be happy again.
I long to love myself and to feel vibrant in my own skin,
But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't sacrifice it all
Just to see her truly smile.

Time is elusive and I know this is a dangerous place to be seen in.
It's torturous to toy with the notion that somehow things could've turned out differently,
So I return back to the girl inside the window pane.
She hates me, but I'm not ready to let her go...

I set the pace of my breathing to match the healing of my heart;
It's sluggish and morbid, but it feels like a fresh start.

Submerged into a pool of glistening hope,
I float alone.
There is not an anchor in the world that could weigh me down,
Until he jumps in.

I gently sway over the waves that are cast my way
And I begin to feel a current.
It ***** me closer until it can swallow me whole;
There I am engulfed and my vision blurs.

Rock bottom is a cement pool with thirty kids around
And you’ve lost your goggles so you dive down deep
But you can’t see straight without them
So you fumble aimlessly until you run out of air—

That’s where he found me.

His eyes were clear and free from inhibition.
He saw my and struggle and offered his assistance,
But the problem was that I never asked for it.
I still got it anyways.

The panic set in when my lungs became plastered,
Water rushed in and I couldn’t swim any faster.
He tilted my head back and coated me with laughter
Until he knew that I could not swim away.

Two fish colliding in the ocean at dark,
One was a minnow and the other a shark.
I was thrashed in his teeth and my heart ripped apart,
But he was praised by his friends the next day.

I climbed out of the water and crawled into the mist.
Reality set in and I was alone.
My body was no longer mine as I traced his fingerprints up and down my thighs,
And all I could do was go home.