I keep having dreams
of when we were kids,
but we were never kids.

Golden on the tip of my tongue.
Still summer.
We are golden in the slow of time- rolling of the hip.
I love you too much. You and your slow moments.
Hot windows croaking birds 74 degrees and no wind.
**** on our pants, on our breath, in your hair.

Sweat on eyebrows, slick on our skin burning the car as smoke fills our lungs. Earthy tastes and red eyes.

I miss you, I miss you so much

A shadow holds me in his grip and seeks the bones that he must find. The grazes of ghostly fingers on myself remind me of my ending youth and the ticking time that is left.

I’ve disappeared into the morning fog as the people I love have begun to stare straight through me They strain to look at me although I vanish upon them catching a small glimpse- I am acid to the cornea causing burning blindness and hatred.

These bones are brittle and the wind has picked up, the sky is darkening as if to rain and the rainbow day is done. However, the rainbow days were spent as a child whisked to the side to be plucked like a fruit all of the brightness and sweets taken, leaving me dull, laughter drops from me like a stone.

I attempt to concentrate on the slivers of light peering through the bars of my own psychological prison cell, but such magnification did not set my heart on afire.

Rain droplets ******* skin, unraveling at the ripples as 3 lightning bolts fork through the houses, 7 claps of thunder, 12 bursts of laughter in the house next door and a thousand tears rolling down my cheeks. I suddenly realize that my head was severed from my body days ago while lying sleepless on the worn couch.

Each season the garden dies, i die with each, until i die no more- although his death and mine were not the same, we still rot underneath the dirt in worms and earth as the city streets blacken and decompose.

The tears cling to the sleeve of my jacket mucus separating with a sticky pull and the dolls and smiles of my life are gone replaced by the headache and the row of cuts on my thighs.

I can feel the light touch of rain on my skin and the dripping of old raindrops into a flower ***
my mind is void of the unpleasantness a smile is permanent on my face
I feel my brain fog up with the fog that used to frighten me but I understand it now and the swaying of the trees the gray of the sky
the birds that fly above me
it’s beautiful breathtaking and saddening all at once.

I realize that this is how the world is to begin with
a mix of all these feelings and pain and joy
when all we want is just to be held
to be loved
to know that were important
but under this endless sky all we feel is small.

Waves taller than I was
cool atlantic ocean
grainy sand between my fingers
burying my toes.

Hot sunburns and salty hair
the beach bars where we used to eat off the kids meal
going back to your condo
sitting on your couch.

Thrown over his shoulders
covered in sand, the warm weight used to be fun but now it just scares me
you scare me.
My shoulders were kissed
sunscreen on my back
the lukewarm pools and marco polo races holding my breath until i thought my lungs would explode.

The water would rush back with the pull of the ocean our sundresses damp around our ankles, bruises over our mouths where you held them shut
The porch light was on to the condo my towel draped over your balcony, bathing suit bottoms in your bedroom.

Forgotten toys and to pairs of arm floaties because i was never good at swimming, you left your watch on the shoreline.
Crying because of the pain and the hatred and love
Never knowing if I would be cuddled or touched
but knowing i would be cuddled after being touched
those sunburnt spots caressed by you.
White caps peak as the sun rises, we’re cold with fevers and abuse, shaking as our feet are wet again with salty water and your watch pulled out to the sea, lost forever.

Old memories and dizzy songs from her childhood dance across the roof of her brain eyelashes dripping tears and hiccuping painful sobs. Hiding in the school bathroom not from bullies but her own fears. Blinking at the reflective yellow tiles she pushes away the yellow bathroom.

Water drips into the rusty ***** porcelain and the mirrors fog from humidity. Gasping for air and resemblance looking down to see that his hands aren’t there.

Fingers trembling and stepping out of the stall, one among over the sink washing the tears from her face and praying for a vacation, vacation from hell, mania, and psychosis infested cranial cavity and fog swirling swarming her.

Worrying about her fate again that a small breeze of nostalgia fluttered in her heart. Thinking a moment past she had someone in her room that she loved. A person of flesh to talk and hug.

She is lonely now. She could not be more different and she has lost the memory-self that come to the state of reality where she is in the high room alone.

Waking up at 2:26am. I am numb and the blankets are heavy against my skin. Twisting, turning, turning the music down, turning the music up. Staring at my window and the clock.

Wake up again, after a nightmare. Loneliness in my heart and how I longed to have somebody to understand next to me surrounded by the same floral sheets. There’s a rip in the sheets and I stick my foot in it, feeling the soft mattress. It’s 5am and the tears in my throat have caused it to run dry.

The world pounds at my eyelids, the sun licking the bottom of the world sky awakening. The pillow is hot, my blankets are heavy, I want to cry but I feel dizzy. I feel like i’m violating someone’s sleep, although i’m not sure who’s i’m violating.