i used to envision myself
gracing scenes of
your spotless minds
movie screens
in films wrapped in gold cellophane
directed in flickers of light
electrified by pain
enhanced by the vision of what
our love could be
switching to black & white projections
anytime i feel happy
to play onto the theme of
my own personal deflections
because even the actors know
i’m the happiest
when you’re without me

if the walls of my bedroom could talk
they’d say how i cry
to the moon
holding my breath
giving myself chest pain
convincing my brain
that it’s from the novacane
i force myself to take
because now & days
i numb myself
to be washed in your acid rain
because it still lives inside me
storming away
anytime i choose
to speak your name

you salt my gardens green
reviving the trees
in which eden
used to swing

calling out to me
to bring my own tears
from the emerald sea
i give them to you

to control

for my gardens may know
how i have
lost my soul
far too long ago

i can feel myself
being swallowed
by the red sea
the salt water
fills my eyes
and i can no longer see

this happens every time

i am stuck
in the whirlpool
of my own anxiety

i try to kick my feet
but i only tangle them more
in the sea ****
that lies beneath

my mother always warned me
about what to do
if a stranger ever tries
to come up
and talk to you

but she never warned me of how

the body you lay with
the second soul
you choose to bear
can become a stranger
at the drop of a star
as well

my beloved
you don’t seem to see
how you’ve taken everything from me
leaving my secrets
spilled out in blue ink
like orchid oil tears
the sweet aroma of fears
extracted by you
fills my world
and i can no longer think