i step in
the hot shower
for about an hour
giving myself
10 seconds to cry
before falling to the floor
pulling the curtain liner
praying to the faith
of my surrender

i hope it happens soon
i hope the water
can be the one to love me
enough to pull me under

the tornado inside
let’s the whirlwind of highs
project violet skies
that now only live
within the white noise
of heavens sunrise

i wanted to go out
the way you did

but sometimes
god laughs at the plans
you make out to die

i can’t cry
when i hold you
and i can’t feel
when i kiss you
because you’re only

in my daydream

only in my daydream

and i hate for us
to be apart at lengths we are
but i love the days
when i fall apart
because the tears create illusions

and that’s the only way
i see you

the clouds above my head
let the raindrops
fall onto the scars
of my trauma
so that they may
grow flowers big enough
to hide the pain

i use
all of the pain
i know
each time
the season changes

to repaint my soul

because i know
how much you hate
the same color
in various
shades of tone

it’s hard these days,
even after all these years
it’s hard
for me to sit directly
in front of a mirror
when all i see
in the reflection
of the glass’ tears
is the image
of you
replacing the body
of me

I tried to
pull all of

the sunshine

out of the sky
and all of

the water

out of the ocean
to pour into your veins

so that it may
get the blood

of our memories
flowing back into
the roots

of your heart
in hopes
that it could

bring the dead parts
of our petals

back to life

i have become angry
angry at how
the colors in the sky
are painted of you

and all the colors
you said
i reminded you of

have washed away from me
and into the earths skin
so that they may
form sheets of flowers

to remind the earth
of how your beauty
still lives within a world

that is no longer beautiful
to people
such as me