Nobody writes about the messy parts of love;
The ugly parts, the parts nobody wants to know.
But it’s necessary to know these things,
To not be fooled by a false perception
That love is magical and void of faults.

Nobody warned me that my first love
Would be my longest, and hardest.
They didn’t tell me that I would spend weeks
Crying over him, years waiting for him
Until I finally had enough.

Nobody told me that  I would fall in love
Multiple times with different types of people.'
That the ones I fell in love with
Would leave marks in my mind
And scars on my heart.

Nobody warned me that my second love
Would break my heart into a million pieces.
They didn’t tell me that he would leave the biggest scar;
That not even soap and water can wash off
The places he held me, kissed me, loved me.

Nobody told me that I would fall in love regardless of distance,
That I would find my best friend miles away,
And fall in love with an intensity that could burn down a forest.
Nobody told me that I would find almost-perfection
In the heart of a desert.

Nobody warned me that my third love,
The one that’s supposed to be the charm,
Wouldn’t last; that all our talk of forever
Would go down the drain
Because distance really does put a damper on things.

And lastly, nobody warned me that my current love
Would be so hung up over someone who doesn’t love him
With the intensity that I do.
Nobody told me that I would be so jealous,
And cry this much over someone who’s supposed to make me happy.

One day, I will find you,
And I will scream;
A child's words
From an adult mouth.
I will make you quiver
With the same fear
You instilled in me
Since I was three years old.
You will not
Be able to run.
No hiding allowed in this game.
Just take it.
I hope you cry
Silent cries;
Of fear and abuse,
Betrayal and torment.
And while you cry,
I will stand over you,
Shaming you,
With my hand over your mouth.
Be good for once!
Be good!
You're bad!
Always bad!
I will make you feel
A child's pain.
I will be in control.
You will not have the last word.

I look beyond the horizon.
The colors of the sky mesh together,
Like I mix ***** and lemonade,
Drinking away my heartache.

I feel numb on the inside.
I pretend to be happy on the outside.
Two cigarettes and a broken heart.

The stinging sensation burns a feeling of belonging.


Just like ***** and Tears.

There it was,
Waiting for me.
Dangling in the middle
Of the dark basement.

It called my name.
It whispered to me,
"Fake your smile, they won't know what you've been hiding."

I slipped the letter under the door,
The sweet remedy of self destruction, and the scent of freshly braided rope.
It's tempting strands called for me.

I slip the only obstacle standing between me and freedom over my neck,
And begin my walk to freedom.

One... Two... Three.
Jump.

im a mess,
lying on my bathroom floor,
its cold
and its wet
but that fact i feel that at all
makes me stay where i am
the cold reminds me
of an hour before
but even then
i still couldn't get that off my mind
even if i were in my bed wrapped warm and whole
i would never forget
her hands in yours
pulling you down a winding path
in the other direction of the what i
thought was our home
your eyes shone with glee
raking her up and down
in that short red dress
despite the cold whipping wind
snapping at my cheeks
that were freshly streaked
with all the promises you made
all the soft touches you gave
all the long nights we shared
in what i thought was our bed
in what i thought was our home
in what i thought was true love
in our love
but i was wrong
and now
like the time before i met you
im a mess once more